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July 9th, 2010

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08:10 pm - New Moon - Table of Contents
New Moon

By Stephenie Meyer

Alternate Title: As the Stereotypical Indian Turns (Into a Werewolf)

So, the first one didn’t slay you, huh? Well, Meyer’s not gonna take THAT lying down! Bella sure will, though. But did you expect anything less? This installment features pretty much nothing but our dearest Bella wailing to whoever will listen—mostly the audience—about how much pain she’s in and how life is not fair because why can’t she have her sparklepire and eat it, too? On top of all that, we get oodles of abuse, ridiculous delusions that are never explained and full of more plotholes than even Twilight had, a new set of villains that are not-so-thinly-veiled metaphors for Catholics, and a healthy dose of racism. Oh, and remember Dances With Plot? He gets a new name: Bag Of Punching! Marvel as Bella takes an innocent young boy and maliciously manipulates his feelings for her just so she can feel better about her ex-boyfriend! Don’t you just love Bella Swan.

Table of Contents

Dedications and Opening Quote
Chapter 1 – Party
Chapter 2 – Stitches (Part I)
Chapter 2 – Stitches (Part II)
New Moon Aside: Narcotics, sporked by gehayi
Chapter 3 – The End (Part I)
Chapter 3 – The End (Part II), sporked by hcb_chibi and zelda_queen
Chapter 4 – Waking Up (Part I)
Chapter 4 – Waking Up (Part II)
Chapter 5 – Cheater
Chapter 6 – Friends
Chapter 7 – Repetition
Chapter 8 – Adrenaline
Chapter 9 – Third Wheel (Part I)
Chapter 9 – Third Wheel (Part II)
Chapter 10 – The Meadow
Chapter 11 – Cult
New Moon Aside: Old Quil
Chapter 12 – Intruder
Chapter 13 – Killer
Chapter 14 – Family
Chapter 15 – Pressure
Chapter 16 – Paris
Chapter 17 – Visitor (Part I)
Chapter 17 – Visitor (Part II)
Chapter 17 – Visitor (Part III)
Chapter 18 – The Funeral (Part I)
Chapter 18 – The Funeral (Part II)
Chapter 18 – The Funeral (Part III)
New Moon Aside: Rosalie, sporked by Mrs. Hyde and Severus Snape
New Moon Aside: Miscalculation, sporked by lisaerin
Chapter 19 – Race (Part I)
Chapter 19 – Race (Part II)
Chapter 20 – Volterra
Chapter 21 – Verdict
Chapter 22 – Flight
Chapter 23 – The Truth (Part I)
Chapter 23 – The Truth (Part II)
Chapter 23 – The Truth (Part III)
Chapter 24 – Vote (Part I)
Chapter 24 – Vote (Part II)
Epilogue: Treaty
New Moon Aside: Scholarship (Part I), sporked by gehayi
New Moon Aside: Scholarship (Part II), sporked by gehayi
New Moon Aside: Jacob Black (Part I), sporked by gehayi
New Moon Aside: Jacob Black (Part II), sporked by gehayi
New Moon Aside: The Alternate Universe (Part I), sporked by gehayi
New Moon Aside: The Alternate Universe (Part II), sporked by gehayi
New Moon Aside: The Alternate Universe (Part III), sporked by gehayi
Frequently Asked Questions
The Story Behind New Moon
Final Thoughts
Das Mervin’s Spitefics
15 Reasons to See New Moon (And One Reason Not To)

(13 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:July 10th, 2010 03:38 pm (UTC)
Yay, you finally started the "New Moon" spork! I like your alternate title. :) Too bad that Jacob's new nickname will prove to be prophetic.

By the way, have you seen Spoony's review of the film version of "New Moon?" Not only is is hilarious, he completely lambasts Bella's behavior.
[User Picture]
Date:July 10th, 2010 04:38 pm (UTC)
Yep! It's going up now, I'm already starting chapter two. Thanks on the alternate title. :D I hope they keep being funny. Jacob's name changes, like, every single book. It's insane.

Yes! I have also seen his review of Eclipse, and it's great, he agrees with every single opinion I have on it. I love his reviews--they make me laugh so hard.
Date:July 13th, 2010 11:51 am (UTC)
I love Spoony's take on these movies! Has he done any on the first one of the Twilight Plothole?
[User Picture]
Date:August 17th, 2010 04:59 am (UTC)
No, I don't think he's done the first movie.
[User Picture]
Date:September 14th, 2010 06:19 pm (UTC)
I found Spoony's "Eclipse" review but for some reason I can't find the "New Moon" one.
[User Picture]
Date:September 14th, 2010 06:22 pm (UTC)
Ask, and ye shall receive.

That is actually the first thing I ever saw from him. Seriously. First video of his I ever watched. I am so late to the party when it comes to these things.
[User Picture]
Date:September 14th, 2010 07:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

*shall now go watch*
[User Picture]
Date:July 11th, 2010 09:05 pm (UTC)
Fuck yeah! Looking forward to this! :-D
Date:July 27th, 2010 04:58 am (UTC)
I really love your Twilight-sporkings. Keep up the good work!
Date:August 1st, 2011 01:15 pm (UTC)
part 3 of chapter 23 won't work, thought I'd give you a heads up
[User Picture]
Date:October 25th, 2013 10:48 pm (UTC)
a new set of villains that are not-so-thinly-veiled metaphors for Catholics
^ Those poor Catholics :< Meyer, why must you pick on religion?
*locks the Volturi in a room and makes them listen to Librivox's volunteers reading The Divine Comedy* It gets unbearable due to bad dramatic readers after the first section.

Poor Jacob :< Meyer, why must you pick on all the likable characters?
[User Picture]
Date:March 18th, 2014 11:08 pm (UTC)
Merv, I have a question? Where are all the spitefics featured? Are the in the Twilight spitefics community? Also can, I become a member of that one?
[User Picture]
Date:July 18th, 2015 09:04 am (UTC)

Perfect Theme For This Book

Thankfully, even though my mum and sister like this series (Though thankfully neither of them are Twihards-it's a guilty pleasure) I have not seen the movie for this. But unless it plays this, I don't want to, either:

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