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March 15th, 2011

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07:46 am - Eclipse - Table of Contents

By Stephenie Meyer

Alternate Title: Everyone’s a Little Bit Rapist

Bella’s back and she’s got 50% more plot! And what’s any number times zero, kids? Boy, you all are smart little tots. While there is supposedly a plot in here about a Mystery Vampire Puppet Master running around creating newborn vampires to take out Bella Swan—or it would be a mystery if we were all as stupid as our protagonists and had just forgotten all about Victoria like they have—it’s really not about that at all. It’s about Meyer trying to shoehorn a love triangle into her book to pander to herself and her fans and drag this nonsense out even more than it already has been. Unfortunately, Meyer doesn’t understand what the definition of a love triangle is. Hint, Meyer—it’s not a love triangle when two of the three sides really aren’t interested in the third. Our resident Bag Of Punching gets yet another name: Dick Head. Edward’s levels of control and abuse skyrocket, and Bella is faced with her most terrible moral crisis yet: To werewolf or not to werewolf? How on earth will this terrible crisis be solved?! Spoiler: She doesn’t werewolf.

Table of Contents

Dedications and Opening Quote
Chapter 1 – Ultimatum (Part I)
Chapter 1 – Ultimatum (Part II)
Chapter 2 – Evasion (Part I)
Chapter 2 – Evasion (Part II)
Chapter 3 – Motives
Chapter 4 – Nature
Chapter 5 – Imprint
Chapter 6 – Switzerland (Part I)
Chapter 6 – Switzerland (Part II)
Chapter 7 – Unhappy Ending (Part I)
Chapter 7 – Unhappy Ending (Part II)
Chapter 7 – Unhappy Ending (Part III)
Chapter 8 – Temper (Part I)
Chapter 8 – Temper (Part II)
Chapter 9 – Target
Chapter 10 – Scent
Chapter 11 – Legends
Chapter 12 – Time
Chapter 13 – Newborn
Chapter 14 – Declaration
Chapter 15 – Wager
Chapter 16 – Epoch
Chapter 17 – Alliance
Chapter 18 – Instruction
Chapter 19 – Selfish
Chapter 20 – Compromise (Part I)
Chapter 20 – Compromise (Part II)
Chapter 21 – Trails (Part I)
Chapter 21 – Trails (Part II)
Chapter 22 – Fire and Ice (Part I)
Chapter 22 – Fire and Ice (Part II)
Chapter 23 – Monster (Part I)
Chapter 23 – Monster (Part II)
Chapter 23 – Monster Redux
Chapter 24 – Snap Decision
Chapter 25 – Mirror (Part I)
Chapter 25 – Mirror (Part II)
Chapter 26 – Ethics (Part I)
Chapter 26 – Ethics (Part II)
Chapter 27 – Needs
Epilogue: Choice
Frequently Asked Questions
Final Thoughts
15 Reasons to See Eclipse (And One Reason Not To)

(15 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:March 15th, 2011 02:34 pm (UTC)

It's here. It's finally here.

*finally thinks*

Dear lord, RUN!
[User Picture]
Date:March 15th, 2011 07:39 pm (UTC)
Somehow I am really excited that you'll recap this.
[User Picture]
Date:March 15th, 2011 10:46 pm (UTC)
Hurrah! I love starting my day with your sporkings.

I'm confused though - I swear I once read Eclipse and Breaking Dawn sporks/recaps here, long before you started on Twilight. Did you have links to someone else's sporks (Mrs. Hyde's maybe?), or am I thinking of a different journal entirely?
[User Picture]
Date:March 15th, 2011 10:51 pm (UTC)
Good luck, Mervin! :D
[User Picture]
Date:March 15th, 2011 11:49 pm (UTC)
Hurray! More sporkings!

Good luck, Mervin! We're behind you all the way!
[User Picture]
Date:March 16th, 2011 01:51 am (UTC)
Good luck to you, brave Mervin. I'm looking forward to your recaps, but to be honest I'm dreading diving back into this book. This was the toughest Twilight book for me, because there's just so much that makes me angry. For at least the first half there's something in just about every chapter that shoots me into eye-bleeding, gut-wrenching rage. The spark plugs...the imprinting...that part when Bella heads home after visiting Jake and the silver Volvo is just following her, everywhere, until she finally goes home and he's up in her bedroom, waiting for her....

I think I need to lie down.
[User Picture]
Date:March 20th, 2011 06:32 am (UTC)
Oh, goody! It's here! I have been waiting on pins and needles for this part, because your in-depth and thorough sporkings of Twilight and New Moon have been so spot on and jarringly EYE OPENING to the intensely high levels of fuckery this series possesses.

I used to be a casual fan at first, then I began re-reading the novels and each time I re-read, I got the increasing feeling that Something Was Not Right. And lo and behold, you've put more perfectly into words exactly what was Not Right more beautifully and accurately than I ever could. Cheers for that, mate! :)

So, good luck and good wishes to THIS PART, because from here...it only Gets Worse. :|
[User Picture]
Date:April 5th, 2011 05:18 pm (UTC)
If it wouldn't likely be considered cruel and unusual and banned under the Geneva Conventions, I'd say we should lock you in a room with the books so life wouldn't interfere with you posting at least one shredded chapter per day. Because no day is truly complete without you Paul'ing out at least once. ;p
[User Picture]
Date:May 8th, 2011 05:02 pm (UTC)
Chap-ter 7! Chap-ter 7! Please, please serve us chapter 7! My doctor says I'm not getting enough snark in my diet and if I don't start getting some soon I might end up in the hospital with only days to live. ;D
[User Picture]
Date:November 9th, 2011 09:51 pm (UTC)
You know what, after reading your sporkings and watching parts of the movies with my sister and housemate, I've determined that Noo Mewn and Eclipse should have about 85% gutted out of them, then been slapped together as one book. That way, we could introduce the werewolves and the Volturi against the backdrop of Victoria's assault. With no Cullens around, Bella would be stuck as a stranger in a strange land while a crazed vampire and her army try to kill her. This would give her plenty of legitimate and plot-related dangerous situations to be in so she could coax out Imaginary Edward, it would give Jacob a reason to protect her, and it would give Edward a reason to come back to her. Bella would see first-hand what would happen to her if/when she turns, and would be able to appreciate exactly what Edward's position is on the whole thing.

Of course, none of that happened and Bella just stands by and watches while the "plot" happens before her eyes.

Edited at 2011-12-30 12:43 am (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:January 7th, 2012 08:05 am (UTC)
Woah. That is a really cool idea. But then again... it would mean we wouldn't have the opportunity for that glorious tent scene, and we can't have that, oh no!
[User Picture]
Date:April 12th, 2014 08:46 am (UTC)
Hi. Are there no asides for this one, or are they just going to be sporked on a later date like most of the Twilight and New Moon asides? If it's the latter, can I spork one? I mean, it's ok, if you don't want me to, I just thought I'd ask.

Edited at 2014-04-12 09:08 am (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:April 12th, 2014 01:38 pm (UTC)
No, there were no asides for Eclipse. The novella Bree Tanner was originally going to be an aside for Eclipse, but it turned out to be much longer than Meyer intended and so she published it separately--and I recapped that, of course.
[User Picture]
Date:April 12th, 2014 02:20 pm (UTC)
And I read it, of course. I think it was the first one of your Twilight recaps, that I read. I stopped midway into Twilight to read Bree (the recaps I mean), because I remember liking it more than I liked Twilight. It had some glaring problems obviously, like Bree being a total dumbass, and Meyer's thrope of the girl giving up on life, after her boyfriend is dead. despite the fact that she knew him for 3 days, just about (you know, the same as Bella); like all of Meyer's work, but I was still under the impression that was semi-mediocre, at least. After reading your recap however, I realised this book was crap too.

Edited at 2014-04-12 02:22 pm (UTC)
From:Charsi Kashya
Date:July 21st, 2014 11:04 pm (UTC)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoXvzTgzHH8 Eclipse as an RPG video, quite funny.

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