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April 16th, 2011

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08:14 pm - [GEHAYI] Hells Angel: Intro and Chapter 1
Table of Contents | Chapter 2

Hells Angel

I recently found another story by Touch of the Wind called "Hells Angel." I originally found it on Fanfiction.net, but it has since been taken down from there. So the link will take you to another archive, Twisting the Hellmouth. However, I copied the story from FFnet.

The first thing I noticed was the missing apostrophe. I was inclined to blame Fanfiction.net for that until I found this banner, apparently by Touch of the Wind, displaying the incorrect punctuation in all its dubious glory:

The second thing I noticed was the summary:

Xover with Buffy/Angel. When Edward leaves in New Moon Bella becomes the new obsession of Angelus. Recently resouled Series 2 Angelus brings his family together and plans to add Bella to the family. Read warnings.

And instantly I Pauled out in RAGE. Because I love the Buffyverse.

Most of you have probably heard of it or seen the episodes. For those of you who haven’t, the TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a spin-off from a movie of the same name. Both focus on the Slayer--the one girl in all the world who is called to fight vampires and other monsters. Starting in 1996, a fifteen-year-old cheerleader in Los Angeles, Buffy Anne Summers, became the Slayer. After fighting and defeating a large number of vampires at a dance--burning down her school’s gym in the process--Buffy was expelled. Buffy then told her parents about the vampires and her destiny as a Slayer. Her parents, horrified that their daughter seemed to have lost her mind, put her in a mental institution, where she remained for a couple of weeks until she convinced the doctors that her belief in vampires was a momentary aberration. Shortly after that, her parents divorced and Buffy moved to Sunnydale with her mother...a charming little town with a Hellmouth right under the high school. And from September 1996 to May 2003, Buffy and her friends and allies protected Sunnydale and the world from vampires, demons, monsters, science run amok, hellgods, friends corrupted by power, and the First Evil that ever existed.

Sounds like a simple Monster of the Week premise, right?

Except for one thing: BtVS is awesome.

This show, like "Supernatural," is the anti-Twilight. It’s all about the importance of being human and using what abilities you have to help people responsibly. It says that friends can be family and that friendship can be your salvation. It says that families (both those of blood and those forged by friendship) matter. It says that you don’t take abuse from the guy or girl that you like...even if he or she doesn’t understand that it IS abuse. It says that women have worth above and beyond who is attracted to them, that power is not and never should be an end in itself, that ordinary people without any powers can be mind-bogglingly heroic and that if there’s a conflict between the love of your life and the well-being of the world, then even if it breaks your heart, YOU CHOOSE THE WORLD.

It’s also worth noting that Buffyverse vampires have very little in common with Meyerverse vampires. Buffy herself explained just what they are in the second-season episode "Lie to Me" to a young man who was dying and who saw vampirism as a way out:

Ford: "I'm in. I will become immortal."

Buffy: "Well, I’ve got a news flash for you, brain trust. That’s not how it works. You die, and a demon sets up shop in your old house, and it walks, and it talks, and it remembers your life, but it's not you."

Buffyverse vampires typically have no souls (there are three exceptions to this rule; more on that later) and no consciences. In the words of one vampire, Drusilla, “We can love—but not wisely.” Vampiric love becomes obsessive and generally damaging, either physically or psychologically. And Buffyverse vampires don’t usually care about the friends or families they left behind; even retaining some shreds of affection for a parent or sibling for a few months post-Turning would be unusual…and wouldn’t work very well.

And finally, there are the three vampires who do have souls. One, Spike, chose to go out and get his soul restored at the end of the sixth season. We don’t have to worry about him for now, as this mess of a story happens before those events.

The second is Darla, whom a law firm whose senior partners are powerful demons--yeah, I know, it’s redundant--resurrected as a human. She found living with a soul almost unendurable ("Dirty, filthy soul!"), and it took her a long time to come to terms with being human again. It didn’t help that her resurrected form was identical to the body she’d had before she was turned. You see, when Darla was alive in the 17th century, she was a prostitute. And when she was turned in 1609, she was dying of syphilis. Like ensouled Spike, we don’t have to worry about ensouled Darla, because Darla was resurrected as a human during the fifth season of BtVS and the second season of "Angel," which is three years after the "Series 2" (read: Season 2 of BtVS) Angelus that she mentioned.

The third, Angelus--otherwise known as "the Scourge of Europe" and "the Demon With the Face of an Angel"--was a sadistic psychopath who, after raping and murdering a daughter of the Kalderesh gypsy clan in 1898, was cursed with a soul by her relatives. Overwhelmed with guilt and the horrors of the memories that he visited on people, he became both broody and spent a great deal of time trying to help people in an attempt to atone for his sins. But--and this is important--whenever he lost his soul, and that happened several times in the course of both BtVS and "Angel," Angel became Angelus once again...a complete monster who butchered people for fun, who relished playing mind games that that maimed bodies, minds and psyches and who, on several occasions, nearly brought about the end of the world.

So the summary automatically MAKES NO SENSE. You cannot talk about a “recently resouled Angelus” because Angelus-with-a-soul is Angel. Once the human soul is restored, the demonic personality is suppressed and Angel--the serious, sad one who is trying to atone for his sins--is in control.

Or, y’know, that’s the way it would be if the story followed anything approaching canon. That Touch of Satan seems to think that Angelus can have a soul and still be his horrific self. Um...NO. THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS. Jossverse canon established this. Multiple times, in fact.

Also, no one in his or her right mind would want to be the target of Angelus’s obsession. With Angelus, you’re in organized serial killer territory. If you are lucky, he’ll merely torture you to death. If you’re not, he’ll break your mind so thoroughly that you’ll be insane for the rest of eternity. He’ll drive you to do the thing that you loathe the most. He will laugh at your pain and your grief, and will mock you for being so weak as to suffer.

And he will see all of the torment he’s visiting on you as both entertainment and a form of art.

So right away, this story is starting from three very twisted premises that contradict canon--that Angelus can have his soul and still be Angelus, that the obsessive regard of the most evil vampire who ever existed in the Buffyverse is a good thing, and that a human becoming a vampire in the Buffyverse is an ascension and not a tragedy.

I love alternate universes. But there are AUs...and then there’s tossing canon out of the window. This makes no SENSE.

So strap in, everyone. This is going to be painful.

Chapter One

The first chapter starts this way

A/N: This is a BuffyxTwilight Idea

A/N: This is a BuffyxTwilight Idea

This is a formatting issue on www.fanfiction.net. Sometimes it repeats the first line of the fic. Other times, it puts the chapter title at the bottom. Granted, I’m told it’s easily fixed, but nevertheless, Touch of the Wind is not to blame for this.


For Angel/Buffy: AngelusDarla, AngelusDrusilla, AngelusSpike, AngelusBella, SpikeDrusilla, SpikeBella, SpikeDarla, DarlaDrusilla, DarlaBella.

The slashes are absent because the Pit of Voles hates punctuation. However, aside from the pairings with Bella and the Spike/Darla, this is pretty much canon. And you could argue for Spike/Darla, in fact.

For Twilight: EdwardBella, EmmettRosalie, CarlisleEsme, and JasperAlice.

Again, canon.

Next, she restates the summary as an “outline.” It’s word for word the same, so I’m not posting it again. Instead, I’m skipping straight to the warnings:

Warnings: Will contain strong language, sexual situations of het, slash and fem slash. The sexual situations will be marked out clearly so you can skip past those if you want to. Also Character Deaths.

Sexual situations that you can skip past. In other words, they have no impact on either plot or characterization. WHY ARE YOU INCLUDING THEM, THEN?

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Including knowledge of canon. Or common sense.


She was stunning; her pain was so raw and fresh. Angelus smiled from the bushes where he was hiding. He could see her through her kitchen window. She had her red locks tied back in a pony tail, revealing her smooth white neck. He could practically feel her blood in his mouth. Her blood smelt divine.

Leaving aside the whole “Bella is suddenly a redhead” thing, this is a spot-on description of Angelus as he focuses on blood and pain. This would be good...

Except that in this story, he’s the romantic lead.

Dwell on that.

Are you guys starting to get creeped out? Because I am, and it’s only the first paragraph.

There was one car in the drive, the girl's,

Uh, no. Bella doesn’t have a car. She has a truck.


which meant she was alone.

Human beings are incapable of walking to each others’ houses, you know. Or of using any kind of transportation that doesn’t involve a car. Or being dropped off at a house by a driver. None of this ever happens in the world as we know it.


Angelus walked towards the door and knocked.

Oddly restrained for Angelus, but since he has to get her to invite him in--this being Buffyverse--I'll let that go for now.

He could hear the shuffle of her feet as she walked towards the door. All a mechanical movement for her.

Speaking as someone who has difficulty with her legs, walking IS a mechanical movement for most able-bodied people in the sense that they don’t have to think about it.

Unless Touched by a Vampire is talking about Bella actually being a robot that looks like a teenaged girl. Because that would explain a lot, actually.


He would often see that Jacob boy come and visit her, and she would automatically let him in.

According to this, there are five ways of using the word “would”. None of them make any sense here.

1) The word would is used for unreal or imagined situations:
  • ‘I would love to visit New York.’

  • ‘She would like to be professional footballer.’

  • ‘We would go, but we are too busy.’

I’ll get back to this one.

2) Would and wouldn’t are the past tense of will and won't. Let’s look at an example of this using direct and reported speech:
  • Andrew: ‘I will be late.’(direct speech)

  • ‘Andrew said that he would be late.’(reported speech)

Nope. This isn’t a question of reported speech vs. direct speech.

3) Would is used again for unreal or hypothetical situations in the 2nd and 3rd conditionals:
  • 2nd Conditional: ‘If I won the lottery, I would travel the world.’

  • 3rd Conditional: ‘If I had worked harder, I would have passed the test.’

There are no conditions in this sentence—“if THIS, then THAT”—so this doesn’t apply.

4) Wouldn’t (would not) is used to show that someone refused to do something:
  • ‘I asked him if I could borrow his car, but he wouldn’t lend it to me.’

No refusal is involved.

5) Would can be used to talk about actions that repeated in the past. It is used in the same context as used to:
  • ‘In the summer we would always go camping.’

This doesn't apply. Angelus's statement is very clearly about a continuing situation, not about something that Jacob and Bella used to do.

Really, there aren’t a lot of ways for Angelus to use the term “would” and be talking about something that he has seen in the past on multiple occasions. The correct grammar would be:

He HAD OFTEN SEEN that Jacob boy come and visit her, and she ALWAYS automatically let him in.

So why did I say I’d talk later about unreal or imagined situations? Because the Suethor has her own special timeline. More on the details later, but I’ll mention the one bit that’s relevant here.

In canon, Bella gets dumped right after her birthday, which is in September. She starts talking to Jacob as of January 17, 2006—four months later.

According to the Suethor, Wardo dumped Bella in April and Angelus came by in June. Two months later.

Which maps to November. AND BELLA WASN’T TALKING TO ANYONE IN NOVEMBER--LEAST OF ALL JACOB. Jacob has been to her house exactly ONCE at that point—with Billy in Twilight, back when Jacob was being Dances With Plot. Bella didn’t even notice that he existed then; she was too busy lying her face off to Billy about where Charlie was.

And Jacob only enters Bella’s house once after that--when Alice Cullen arrives to make trouble. The rest of the time...he drops her off at the Swan residence a few times. He goes for the occasional walk with her. But most of the time, Bella visits Jacob at La Push.

Not only that, but we’re talking about characters that aren’t in the same time period. Even allowing for the Suethor’s altered timeline, it would be June 2005 in this story--two years after Sunnydale was destroyed. But we’re dealing with Angelus from the second season of BtVS.

Second-season Angelus first appeared on January 19, 1998...when Bella was ten-going-on-eleven. And Angelus can’t be from any later than May 20, 1998--when the second part of the second-season finale aired--when Willow Rosenberg, computer nerd and talented witch, restores Angelus’s soul and Buffy, in order to stop the demon Acathla from devouring and destroying the world, has to send the newly-resouled Angel to Hell a minute later.

So Angelus wasn’t around in June of 1998 because a) the second season was over, b) Angel had his soul back, banishing Angelus and c) Angel was physically in Hell.

This might be a situation where the “unreal or imagined” bit might apply--except that Angelus thinks he really saw Jacob. Which means that the Suethor believes that Angelus witnessed canonical visits between Jacob and Bella--visits that never happened--and that Angelus being there is plausible.

Isn’t it amazing how much one little word can tell you?


EXPLODING CANONS: 5 (I’m counting Jacob not being around for Bella yet and the three reasons that second-season Angelus can’t be here as four different reasons.)

Anyway. Back to Bella and Angelus.

The door opened and before him stood his newest girl.

This makes it sound as if Angelus has a collection of girls. He doesn’t. Exactly two people could be called his girls--Darla, the vampire who sired him, and Drusilla, the one female vampire whom he sired. (Angelus also sired a guy named Penn, who later became a serial killer. Angelus must have been so proud.)

Drusilla is a prime example of why you don’t want Angelus paying attention to you. Here’s Angel telling Buffy about her in the episode “Lie to Me”:

Angel: I did a lot of unconscionable things when I became a vampire. Drusilla was the worst. She was…an obsession of mine. She was pure, and sweet and chaste.

Buffy: You made her a vampire.

Angel: First I drove her insane. Killed everyone she loved, visited every mental torture on her I could devise. She eventually fled to a convent, and the day she took her holy orders, I turned her into a demon.

That should be “took her final vows”; only priests (Catholic and Episcopalian) take holy orders. But the meaning is clear enough. Angelus turned this woman whose mind and faith he’d broken forever so that she would suffer eternally. No mercy. No peace. Not even that of the grave.

And now Angelus is interesting in making Bella "his girl."

This should be horrifying. Five’ll get you ten that it’s not.

"Hello. How can I help you?" Bella asked



looking at him with her big brown eyes. There was no spark in them, barely any life.


"I was out walking with my daughter Drusilla, but she ran off from me. Could I use your phone to ring the police?" Angelus asked in his Irish brogue.

Unless the kid has been missing for 48 hours, I don't think that calling the police will do one scrap of good. And Bella, the daughter of a cop, should know this.


Also? No one would be fooled by Angelus's brogue. Yes, he's supposed to be Irish. No, David Boreanaz--yes, the same guy who now plays FBI agent Seeley Booth on Bones--cannot fake an Irish brogue to save his life. Anyone hearing it would think, "Oh, man, you CANNOT do accents!"

"Oh, of course, sir." Bella said and stepped back. "Please come in."

A comma takes the place of a period--or a full stop, if you prefer that term--after dialogue followed by dialogue attribution. Examples of dialogue attribution: “Bella said” or “he replied.” This is a common mistake by inexperienced writers who don’t read enough and who therefore haven’t picked up on the fact that this is wrong.

Anyway, I’ve counted all the times that periods are used in place of commas in this scene—eleven times. I’m just going to put the count here. Otherwise, I’ll be complaining about the same thing every other sentence, which would be very annoying.


"Thank you, and what would your name be?" Angelus asked.

"Bella Swan." She said as she led him to the phone.

Oh, yes, please let the strange man you’ve never seen before into your house and tell him your first and last names. That’s SO intelligent.

And why aren’t you wondering why he doesn’t call 911 on his cell phone? Or why he doesn’t call his daughter’s phone and ask her where she is? The entire horror genre has been transformed by the fact that it is now virtually impossible for a person to be all alone and unable to get to a phone for help.


"Angelus Aurelius." Angelus said with a wolfish smile at her.

NO. The Order of Aurelius exists in Buffyverse, yes. It’s a cult of vampires that worship pure demons called the Old Ones...your average Eldritch Abominations. But here’s the thing—Angelus never belonged to it. Darla, his sire, was a member of the cult--and she left it to be with him. I really don’t see Angelus claiming the cult’s name as his...especially since he always thought that the cult was foolish. He didn’t have any problems using demons against humans, but worship them? Please.


So, after some small talk, Angelus fakes a phone call, then sneaks through the house and creeps up on Bella as she stirs spaghetti sauce.

He stalked up behind her and placed his hands on her hips. Bella stopped stirring, startled at the touch. She looked over her shoulder and saw Angelus looking at her, his eyes now yellow.

Yes, yellow eyes indicate that a vampire does not eat humans in the Twilight series. However, this is yellow-eyed Angelus from Buffyverse:

Not someone you’d mistake for a fangless sparklepire, is he? Buffyverse vamps shift to what is known as “game face” when they’re hunting—or feeding. The game face is the face of the demon within.

No one--not even Bella Swan--could think that yellow-eyed Angelus was harmless. Even if you don’t know that he’s a torturer, serial rapist and serial killer, he looks like a predator. And he is.

But does the Suethor’s version of Bella realize that she’s in trouble? Well...sort of. In a muted way.

"What?" Bella said as she tried to move away, but Angelus's strong grip on her stopped her from moving from her spot.

You’re pressed against a hot stove. A man you don’t know is grabbing you by the hips so hard that you can’t move. He has an inhuman face and fangs. And your reaction to this menace?

Dull Surprise!

"I can't help it, love. You are so beautiful; your pain is so fresh." Angelus said, and Bella's struggles became more pronounced.

"Let go!" Bella shouted, but it was no use; no-one could hear her.

Yes. Because, as has already been stated, no one else is home. It’s a little hard for anyone to hear you when no one else is around!

"But you're mine, darling, and soon you will see so too." Angelus said, holding Bella in a tight grip.

"Let me go!" Bella screamed. Angelus moved one hand to her mouth and kept her quiet. No-one may be able to hear her, but with his advanced hearing, he did not care for her screams at the moment.

“Might” is the past tense of “may.” Seriously, 90% of the confusion can be eliminated if people just remember that. Since we’re in past tense in this story, the logical thing to do is to use the word “might.”


Reluctantly, I give the Suethor points for remembering that vampires have super-hearing and that, as a result, a human screaming close to a vampire's ears would not be all that pleasant.

Angelus morphed his visage into his demonic form

He already DID that. Hence the yellow eyes. Is this fanfic stuck on repeat?


and bit down into her neck. He felt her stiffen and slump in his hold. When he heard her heartbeat slow to nearly a stop, he pulled out and cut his wrist, bringing it to her mouth.

Uh, no. A Buffyverse vampire doesn’t cut his wrist when preparing to sire another vampire; he or she would bite the wrist and then offer the punctured wrist to his or her victim.I suppose a vamp could use a knife, but given that Buffyverse vampires have knife-like fangs, why bother?


Bella unconsciously latched onto it

She unconsciously latched onto it? Gee, could that possibly be because she is currently UNCONSCIOUS?


and drank the lukewarm (because he had just fed) liquid into her system, sealing her fate.

That parenthetical statement is so important, isn’t it? It’s not as if we were here when he fed...oh. Wait.


Angelus smiled and held his girl closer.

It was at that movement that someone walked in from behind him. He turned and saw Drusilla glide into the kitchen.

Are you sure you don’t mean “moment” rather than “movement”?


Oh, and how nice of Dru to walk into the kitchen behind Angelus and then go out and glide back in again once he was watching.


And by the way, Dru—how did you get in here? You weren’t invited in by Bella! In Buffyverse, that means that you’d be running into a force field! That was a fairly important plot point on several occasions.


"Daddy, she's perfect." Drusilla purred out.

I’ve heard of people purring words before…but purring out?

Oh, and trust me, Dru. She's anything but perfect.

"I know Dru, she is." Angelus said smiling at his now eldest daughter.

You know Dru—but you don’t know jack. At least, you don’t know jack about where to put commas.


(I’m not counting “eldest” as an error. You can have one person being the eldest of two. Granted, “his elder daughter” would be more acceptable to a purist, but “eldest” is acceptable.)

"Let's get her home." Angelus said as he pulled his wrist away from the now dead girl in his arms. Inside her, Angelus's blood was transforming her into a vampire.

In spite of all the flaws and all the timeline problems, this really is not a bad scene. Granted, Bella has the emotional range of a paper clip, but that’s canon, so there’s nothing we can do about that. Angelus is pretty much in character, and from what little we see of her, so is Dru.

That is about to change DRASTICALLY.


The line of zeroes indicates a scene break. Fanfiction.net will not print a line of three asterisks. Did I mention that FFnet has SEVERE issues with correct punctuation?

A Guide to FFnet’s War on Punctuation.

3 months later, at a Mall in New York after dusk (pictures of outfits provided at the bottom)

Brace yourselves, folks. We are now in “Shopping With Alice, Part Deux.” Because when you’re a blood-drinking and predatory demon sired by a sadistic psychopath who keeps trying to destroy the world, you want to shop till you drop!

Bella stood, flipping through some clothes in the store. Bella had her red haired curled perfectly,

Her red-haired WHAT curled perfectly? And again, why is Bella described as a redhead? Because her canon says that she’s definitely not. I quote from the first chapter of Twilight:

Maybe, if I looked like a girl from Phoenix should, I could work this to my advantage. But physically, I'd never fit in anywhere. I should be tan, sporty, blond — a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps — all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun.

Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine.

I don’t even LIKE these books and I know that Bella is not a redhead! Why doesn’t the author?


her make up was light around her lips and dark around her eyes.

Unless her makeup is poisonous and she’s going to use it to commit murder, I don’t CARE. This is not only irrelevant, it’s fucking boring!

Then we get the clothes descriptions, because it would be impossible for us to read about people shopping without knowing what they were wearing. Suethors will spend entire chapters describing clothes, because that uses up time that they could be spending on characterization and plot, and both of those things demand actual work.

She had a black short sleeved top on with white circles all over it. A black belt surrounded her middle.

Vampire! Bella has a black belt...in ANNOYING ME.

She wore a black flowing skirt that fell to just above her knees. She was wearing high-heeled shoes, something she would never have worn before her turning, that were black and open toed.

Now, FFnet disabled the links to the images that the Suethor had in mind—you can’t post any URLs there. But I found the actual links and the pictures. This is the outfit she pictured for Bella:

It’s an Anne Klein skirt with Georgette trim. It’s not available from Macy’s right now, but if you do a Google images search for “Anne Klein skirt with Georgette trim,” that picture comes up.

"Can I have it?" Bella lifted her head when she heard Dru's dreamy voice call to her.

Bella thinks that Drusilla’s voice is dreamy, folks. Bella/Drusilla is not one of the pairings in this, but I think it ought to be.

Drusilla was wearing a dress that Angelus had bought her;

Angelus doesn’t buy stuff unless he absolutely has to. If it’s rare or has to be shipped from a long distance, fine. If not, stealing is fine…unless it would attract undue attention and therefore delay or inconvenience him.

it was a long sleeved, knee length navy blue dress. It was tighter at the top but then flowed brilliantly at the bottom. She had her hair straight thanks to Bella and was wearing a blue beret and a peach coloured sash around her neck.

Again, no image, but it’s described as “Lauren by Ralph Lauren Matte Jersey Ballet-Neck Dress.” If you search for that, the image comes up.

And why am I mentioning this when I’ve admitted that I find clothes a boring topic? Well, you see…this is how Drusilla normally dresses:

The Billy Idol-wannabe with her is her vampire boyfriend Spike.

Yeah. I don’t see her wearing the Suethor’s outfit…oh, ever. Seriously, I don’t think that she wore much that wasn’t flowing and ankle-length and—most of the time—quasi-Victorian.


"Of course, Dru." Bella said, referring to the long black coat Dru was holding in one hand, in the other hand she held a bag that had Miss Edith poking out.

Miss Edith being Dru’s favorite doll. Dru has and plays with a lot of dolls, but we never hear names for any of the others—only for this one. Miss Edith looks like this:

Dru smiled happily and handed it to their personal helper (a minion).

Er…no. The Fearsome Foursome never bothered much with minions. Some Buffyverse vampires did—in fact, some started cults of minions. But Angelus, Darla and Drusilla? Not their thing. There were humans they used for certain tasks. There were lesser vampires they used for certain tasks. And then the tasks were done, and—time to have a demon vaporize the lesser vamp while they had some tasty snacks.

(I’m leaving Spike out of it, as Spike, at one point, employed two Fyarl demons to work for him. I’m not sure that you can pay a minion a salary, but that's still closer to having minions than the other three came.)

I get the feeling that Touched By A Vampire thinks of the world as divided between vampires and servants. Obviously, there must be lower-class beings—especially lower-class humans—for upper-class vamps to feel superior to, or what’s the point of being undead?


"Where's Darla?" Bella asked, looking for the blonde.

"Grandmother is with Daddy and my Dark Prince." Dru giggled as she spun around, gaining some curious looks from other shoppers.

Wait…there are other people around?

See, after Darla was turned into a vampire a second time (this time by Drusilla, and if the idea of Darla’s vampiric “granddaughter” turning her “grandmother” weirds you out, it weirded out a number of people in their canon, too), she and Dru “went shopping.” That is, they went to a clothing store, picked up clothes they liked and slaughtered everyone in the store. And Darla wasn’t any different the second time around as a vampire than she was the first time.

So logically, Darla, Dru and Bella should be committing mass murder as they “shop.” They should be intimidating and sensual and trying to trick the humans into thinking that somehow this situation is survivable. Because they are vampires. In Buffyverse terms, predatory demons animating the corpses of their victims. They ENJOY butchery.

Also, only one vampire in canon was ever called “Dark Prince”—and that was Dracula. The vampire that Drusilla is talking about has two canonical aliases at this point—“William the Bloody” and “Spike.”


"Spike is shopping?" Bella asked her 'sister'.

"Mhm." Drusilla made a noise that gave neither a positive or negative answer.

Thank you so much for telling us that Dru isn’t really Bella’s sister and that “Mhm” isn’t a positive or a negative sound. We never would have guessed otherwise.


Also, what the hell is Spike doing with Angelus? He betrayed him in the second season of BtVS because he didn’t want Angelus to destroy the world! And before that, he could barely stand to be around Angelus because Angelus kept competing with Spike for Dru!


Remembering a book she wanted to purchase, she turned to Drusilla and pulled the taller woman towards her.

"Dru, I'm going to go and find a book." Bella said and gave Dru a chaste kiss before walking off,

(Vampire!Bella:) Don’t worry, honey, I won’t be long.

but not before giving the minion a glare warning him to watch over Dru.

Yes, the physically powerful, telepathic, clairvoyant, precognitive vampire who can heal faster than any human, read auras and hypnotize her opponents AND who has killed at least one Slayer at this point completely needs a human to protect her. Why? Probably because the minion is a maaaaaan.


Bella walked gracefully, drawing many appreciative glances from men and a few women.

Not lolclumsy anymore, then. Pity. It was one of the few traits Bella had that I could relate to.

SNIP as Bella—followed by a minion who not only doesn’t get a name but who also doesn’t get a personal pronoun—goes to the bookstore, gets Random Unnamed Book, buys the book like a human would, and then asks the minion where everyone is. Dru, Spike and Angelus are in the ladies’ section of the store Bella just left, which amuses me no end. Darla is waiting for Bella outside of that store. Er…shouldn’t Bella’s vampiric vision have told her that Darla was standing there? It’s not like it’s easy to miss Darla at the best of times.


The minion also displays a piece of fanon that irritates the life out of me, calling the vampires “Master Angelus,” “Mistress Darla,” “Master Spike” and “Lady Drusilla.” NONE OF THEM WAS EVER CALLED THIS. It seems to stem from two convictions by Suethors—that Everything’s Better With Aristocrats and that the vampires who were recurring characters were “master vampires,” superior to the normal run of vampires whom Buffy and the Scoobies killed in their spare time. “Master vampires” were, according to fanon, either very old and very strong vampires or were the progeny of very old and very strong vampires.

In fact, the only thing that a vampire had to do to be considered a master of another group of vampires was be the dominant vamp—generally the oldest and the most powerful. And most vampire groups weren’t very big. Being the boss of three or four other vampires wasn’t a major deal in either BtVS or “Angel.”

Finally, exactly one vampire—just one—was called “the Master” (shades of Doctor Who!) and he was killed by Buffy in Season 1 of BtVS.

I’m beginning to wonder if Touch of the Wind ever saw Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She may only know it from fanfic, in which case I’d expect her to get a lot wrong.


Anyway, the minion—whose name, we now learn, is Jeremy—refers to Bella as “Lady Bella,” which point I gag and decide to call her “Belladonna.” It means the same thing, and it’s pure poison. That fits.

Bella tells him to get her purchases from Dru’s minion, Harold and take them and her book to “the car.” I presume she means her car, since, as we will later learn, the vampires have four cars and the minions have one all to themselves.

Then she goes to catch up with Darla. Hoo boy.

Bella walked to the store and smiled at Darla, who stood outside.

Darla, dear, you shouldn’t be standing anywhere. You died in the first season of Buffy. Angel staked you!. At this point—the second season of Buffy—you are DUST!


Darla's hair was tied up into an elegant bun. She was wearing black jeans with heeled boots and a black long sleeved top and a red cardigan with black flowers on it; it was very beautiful outfit on her grandsire.

Again, no longer available from Macy’s. They’re called “Lucky Brand Jeans with Rose-Print Cardigan,” though.

And what’s wrong with that outfit? Nothing, per se. But…this is Darla. And Darla likes to show off her breasts—either by wearing tight clothes in the winter or by showing off her cleavage the rest of the year. She likes both a LOT.

In every era, too.


I mention this particularly since the Suethor called Darla Bella’s “grandsire.” Um…doesn’t that mean grandfather?

And "it was very beautiful outfit" is missing an indefinite article.


"Get everything you need, Dear?" Darla asked, linking arms with her Grandchilde.

And we get the second piece of annoying fanon—the notion that, just as the vampire who makes a vampire is called a sire, the vampire who is created is called a “childe.” Yes, with an E. This idea was around even during the first runs of Buffy and Angel, despite the fact that the whole “childe” and “childre” thing seems to be from the LARP Vampire: the Masquerade.

Again, it’s something that only crops up in fanfic—the people who actually watched the shows knew that it was bullshit.

And what’s with the Random Capitalization?



We then get the obligatory “drooling over vampires” paragraph. Bottom line—they’re all gorgeous, and they all use their looks to their advantage. This is actually canonical. I swoon with shock.

But then we get a description of, and I am not kidding here, their cars in the parking lot.

They each had a car (except Drusilla). Angelus's was a black Viper; no one was allowed to drive it but him. Bella had a black Porsche; she was given it after her first kill. Spike had a black Desoto that had a few modifications on it, magical ones. Drusilla usually rode with him. Darla had a black jaguar.

I bet she calls her pet Baby.


Here come the pictures. Brace yourselves. There are a lot of them.

Angelus’s car first (according to the Suethor). I couldn’t find a picture of a 2001 black Dodge Viper RT10, so I found a picture of a 2000 version instead:

Spike’s car (according to the Suethor, you should just imagine it being black):

Darla’s Jaguar (according to the Suethor):

Bella’s car (according to the Suethor): A 2001 black Porsche Carrerra.

I have to say, I’m not impressed. The Viper, the Porsche and the Jaguar all look like automotive twins. All the cars in the world and they pick three that look exactly alike—and in a boring color, at that?

Bella often joked that their theme was black; between them all, they had 25 cars of which 3 were not black.

Why the hell do they need so many cars? It's not as if the five of them can drive twenty-five cars simultaneously!

Also, either vampires are unoriginal or they all suffer from a near-total inability to see color. Given some of Darla’s and Dru’s canonically colorful outfits, I’m going with unoriginal. Must be that darn soullessness.

They all climbed into the cars.

As opposed to climbing onto the car roofs, as so many people do when they drive.


Their purchases were in the Land Rover that the minions, Jeremy, Harold, Annette and Caitlin would drive in.

Again, this is the picture that the Suethor came up with:

Wouldn’t there be more room in the trunk of the DeSoto? Oh, never mind.

Then we learn in what order the vampires leave the parking lot—because that’s vitally important—followed by the fact that they’re all speeders. Apparently no New York City cop would dare to stop them. Why? Well, they just WOULDN’T, okay? Oh, and the men drive faster. Again, no explanation why.


And finally, two last bits of incorrect canon:

Bella smiled happily and put her stereo on; Trapt came blasting out of the speakers. Bella began to sing along and lost herself in the speed and feelings through the links from her Sire, Grandsire, and siblings.

First, two more counts for random capitalization:


Second, Buffyverse vampires don’t sense each others’ feelings through a telepathic link. Hell, if they could do that, they’d never be able to kill or betray each other, which they do ALL THE TIME. Dru is the one canonically psychic vampire I can recall, and her utterances were generally cryptic and confusing—even to her.

Also, Spike is not Bella’s vampiric sibling. He was sired ONSCREEN by Drusilla. Spike has referred to Angelus as his sire, but that’s more in a “you’re like a father to me” kind of compliment.


But we’re not done yet, folks! Here come the author’s notes:


Some categories may be added to as the story goes on.

This refers to this posting of the story at Twisting the Hellmouth. It’s labeled “crossover,” “action,” “comedy,” “horror,” “romance,” “femslash,” “sexuality” (that would be “het” at most archives), and “slash.”

Please notice—“alternate universe”? NEVER MENTIONED.

I’m going to hold her to that.


Twilight Book- September to February (the prom was a Valentine's Day Prom)

According to the Twilight timeline, Bella moved to Forks on January 17, 2005 and went to the prom with Edward in May.


I’m willing to cut her some slack here. Judging from some of Touch of the Wind’s spelling—like “no-one” instead of “no one” and “knee length” instead of “knee-length”—I think she’s English. That may be causing the confusion. Proms are more an American thing, and she may not realize that there’s a difference between a prom and any other kind of dance.

However, there is no excuse for what follows.

Edward Leaves in New Moon- April

Hello? Did you miss all of the blank pages in Chapter 4 of New Moon after Edward dumped Bella in the forest? The ones labeled OCTOBER, NOVEMBER, DECEMBER and JANUARY? The ones indicating that Bella’s life is empty without Wardo? The ones that spell out the damned timeline?


Angelus Turns Bella- Early June

Nice trick, considering that, as I’ve already said, Bella in New Moon is in 2006 and second-season Angelus died on May 20, 1998 (the day the second part of the finale aired).

And there’s no way to make the timelines work in a non-AU setting. If Bella’s in June of 1998—well, Angelus is gone, since Angel had his soul restored a month ago. And Angel is physically in Hell, so he’s in no position to turn anybody.

If it’s June of 2006, Wardo has been back since March, so Bella is no longer depressed. Also, June of 2006 takes us into Chapters 7 to 27 of Eclipse…and Chapter 27 has a happy Bella planning her wedding to Corpsified Wardo. And Angel—well, the last time we saw Angel and the remnants of his crew on live-action TV, the four of them were facing the boundless armies of Hell in an alleyway. And that was aired on May 19, 2004.

(I know that comics followed the story after that, but I have no clue what the continuity is like. For most of us, BtVS and “Angel” ended when the shows were cancelled, and the comic books are just author-sanctioned fanfic.)

Three different ways the timelines can’t work. I’m giving this three Exploding Canons.


Family of Aurelius:-

The Order of Aurelius wasn’t a family, you dip! They were a religious cult—vampires who worshipped demons! And Angel wasn’t a member!


Darla sired Angelus (Darla was not staked in Season 1)

Oh, no. You don’t get to say that. This is a crossover , NOT an AU.

Angelus sired Penn first (he will make an appearance but won't be a main character), he sired Drusilla second, and William last.

As stated previously, Angelus didn’t sire Spike at all. Drusilla did.


William is his most favoured out of William and Penn.

Considering that Angelus ditched Penn a couple of centuries ago, yeah.

Drusilla and Bella will be treated differently because they will have different needs.

And Angelus is so sensitive to what people need, after all.

Spike and Angelus will both be called Master by minions because they are both Master Vampires.

Being a “master vampire” in the sense that TotW is using it—rather than the canonical “boss of a small group of vamps” sense—is straight out of Anita Blake. Be nice if she could keep her canons straight, wouldn’t it?


And two more counts for random capitalization:


And that’s it. She just repeats the bit about Angelus’s surname being Aurelius and the titles of the vampires. Then she provides a slew of links that don’t work.

Tally for this chapter:


Eight more chapters of this “vampires are wonderful!” drivel to go.

Pray for me.

Table of Contents | Chapter 2

Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated

(80 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 04:06 am (UTC)
Anyway, the minion—whose name, we now learn, is Jeremy—refers to Bella as “Lady Bella,” which point I gag and decide to call her “Belladonna.”

I'm now picturing Jeremy the Minion as Jeremy Clarkson, who will spend the entire time ranting about Bella's choice in cars.

It improves things considerably.

Bella smiled happily and put her stereo on; Trapt came blasting out of the speakers. Bella began to sing along and lost herself in the speed and feelings through the links from her Sire, Grandsire, and siblings.

Is she thinking of werewolves or something? Because not only do Buffyverse vampires not do this, neither do Twilight vampires! Yeah, Edward can read minds, but he's the big exception!

Also, Spike is not Bella’s vampiric sibling. He was sired ONSCREEN by Drusilla. Spike has referred to Angelus as his sire, but that’s more in a “you’re like a father to me” kind of compliment.

I always assumed it was a case of Drusilla being too insane to provide much guidance and mentoring, and Angelus providing most of that. But yeah, by vampire family rules, Spike would be Bella's nephew, not brother.

Darla sired Angelus (Darla was not staked in Season 1)

AU! Two tiny little letters that make it understandable why certain characters are mysteriously not dead, some past events seem not to have happened, and the whole thing is completely out of order! It's not that hard to type!

Spike and Angelus will both be called Master by minions because they are both Master Vampires.

So Angelus and Spike both get to be Master Vampires (complete with Significant Capitalization), but neither Drusilla nor Darla does? Why? Until Bella comes along, Spike is the youngest of the group, while Darla's the one that started it all. And in terms of being smart, capable, powerful, and dominant, Darla could beat Spike with both arms tied behind her back. And if they went with 'Mistress' instead of 'Master', Darla would probably just smirk knowingly and enjoy it. Drusilla, I can see not being allowed to, because she's insane, but if anyone's going to be a special Master Vampire, Darla's the first choice!
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 06:04 am (UTC)
Top Gear! I didn't even THINK of that! And yes, he would completely bitch about Bella liking Porsches. (Of course, since he finds Porsches "uninspired" and "of a fundamentally flawed design," I think they're PERFECT for Bella.)

Is she thinking of werewolves or something? Because not only do Buffyverse vampires not do this, neither do Twilight vampires!

I think this is a mixture of Twilight werewolves and something that happened in very rare cases with Buffyverse vampires. Occasionally, a vampire could sense if someone he or she sired was in the city. However, the sensing was more on the level of "hunch," was anything but reliable, didn't happen with every vampire that sired someone, and only worked one way.

I can see a Suethor deciding that, "Well, it sounds a LITTLE like Twilight werewolves; no one will EVER know the difference," and turning an occasional and unreliable hunch into full-blown two-way mind-reading that cannot be turned off.

AU! Two tiny little letters that make it understandable why certain characters are mysteriously not dead, some past events seem not to have happened, and the whole thing is completely out of order! It's not that hard to type!

I know! And she never, ever types them! I'd give her more leeway if she'd posted this in the "alternate universe" genre.

Why? Until Bella comes along, Spike is the youngest of the group, while Darla's the one that started it all. And in terms of being smart, capable, powerful, and dominant, Darla could beat Spike with both arms tied behind her back. And if they went with 'Mistress' instead of 'Master', Darla would probably just smirk knowingly and enjoy it. Drusilla, I can see not being allowed to, because she's insane, but if anyone's going to be a special Master Vampire, Darla's the first choice!

I agree completely! Darla is smart, powerful, devious, cunning and downright dangerous. AND she is very much the boss of her little family. She deserves the title of "Master Vampire" if anyone does.

But there's one problem. Darla's a woman.

A canonically powerful and impressive woman who is sharing a story with Bella Swan--who is both Meyer's Mary Sue and Touch of the Wind's stand-in. And that, really, is the problem.

To quote Pat Pflieger's paper, "Too Good To Be True: 150 Years of Mary Sue":

Put simply, Mary Sue is more: more charming, more belligerent, more understanding, more beautiful, more graceful, more eccentric, more spiritual, more klutzy. She has better hair, better clothes, better weapons, better brains, better sex, and better karma than anyone else. Even next to the strong and interesting heroines of twentieth-century media and fiction, she stands out. She is singular; she is impossible to ignore.

Consequently, just as the Sue is upgraded to ridiculous and sometimes godlike levels, the canonically awesome women get downgraded. If the Suethor considers them more or less safe, the Sue may befriend or adopt them, albeit in a patronizing way. If they are powerful, independent and dangerous in canon, the Suethor may turn them into her Sue's protectors or guardians; this demonstrates the Sue's importance while preventing them from actually doing anything that would take attention away from the Sue. They may voice the Suethor's opinion about how wonderful the Sue is. They will never, EVER demonstrate any of the awesomeness that they possess in canon; awesomeness is reserved for the Sue, not the ensemble cast.

And sadly, it makes a terrible kind of sense. The last thing that a Suethor wants her Little Miss Bertha Better-Than-You to run into is a canonically awesome woman--because she's competition. If the canonically awesome woman were depicted as she is in her book, movie or TV show, she would demonstrate to the readers that the Sue is NOT all that and a bag of chips.

Some call this "unconscious misogyny." But I have to say, I've seen this happen with Gary Stus and canonically awesome guys as well.

Sorry for rambling.

Edited at 2011-04-17 06:04 am (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 05:02 am (UTC)
I love your sporkings - not only are they funny, but super-detailed, thorough and often educational. :D

Also, this makes me interested in checking out "Buffy". I've heard so much about it.

And again, why is Bella described as a redhead?

So I took a look at the review page for this story, and one of the reviewers points out that Bella is a brunette. The author's response?

"I know she's a brunette, but I prefer her with red hair....pretend she dyed it..."

Pretty consistent, as far as suethors go, I gotta say.
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 05:21 am (UTC)
So given a choice between just living with a character not having the hair color she prefers, throwing in a sentence or so of explanation in the actual story, or choosing to indulge the fantasy pictures in her head without giving the audience any clue about what's going on, she went for the third option?
Date:April 17th, 2011 10:10 am (UTC)
Hell, I'm only culturally aware of BtVS and even *I* know about Angelus/Angel. Hell, one vampire calls him 'the most disgusting creature I've ever met.' That should give someone an idea of how horrible he is, that even other vampires find him repulsively evil.

It's like Bad-Touched by the Wind is on a personal mission to 'correct' every supernatural-themed show which makes the 'mistake' of saying that humanity will always prevail, and it's worth fighting for.

....I wonder if she's written a crossover with 'The Vampire Diaries' yet. That would be interesting, considering 'Twilight' is canonically fiction in that universe. ("Why don't you sparkle?" "Because I live in the real world")
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 12:28 pm (UTC)
It's like Bad-Touched by the Wind is on a personal mission to 'correct' every supernatural-themed show which makes the 'mistake' of saying that humanity will always prevail, and it's worth fighting for.

I think she is. And not just supernaturally-themed shows; science fiction and police procedurals, too. Here are all the canons she's written:

Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter
Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel
Criminal Minds
CSI Las Vegas
Dark Angel
Doctor Who and Torchwood
Harry Potter
House, M.D.
Law and Order: Special Victims Unit
Lord of the Rings
Queer As Folk (US and UK versions)
Southern Vampire Mysteries (I think that's the Sookie Stackhouse series, the one True Blood is based on)

And most of these are crossed with Twilight.

Calling her "That Touch of Satan" is beginning to feel more than appropriate.

I've already called dibs on another one of these. It looks like I won't run out of canons I know for some time, either.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) - Expand
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 10:22 am (UTC)
Hate to bring in Twilight all the time, but seriously... this is Meyer writing to a T. She looks up cars, clothes, there is no logic, there is Sueness and no characterization. JESUS.
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 12:37 pm (UTC)
The Suethor claims to be nineteen and English...and yet I have a much easier time believing that this is Meyer writing bad fanfic of her crappy series. Especially since Meyer has said that she wrote one of the stories on her website in the hopes of entering it into a Twilight fanfic contest and winning.
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 11:29 am (UTC)
What? What!? WHAT!

I just.

I don't think the author has seen Buffy at all.

Mainly because you have Angelus approaching Bella's house, Drusilla just waltzing into the house (which she couldn't, even if Bella was dead because Charlie lives there) and them all going shopping in a mall.

And yet there's no mention of this all happening at night.

I think the author has forgotten the teeny tiny fact that Buffy-verse vampires burst into flames when they get hit by the sun.

Not to mention the fact that in 2006, judging by the comics, Angel was in LA which was in hell at that point. Literal hell.

I think he's got rather better things to be doing than following Bella around.

Like, having a soul and saving the world.
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 12:33 pm (UTC)
Drusilla just waltzing into the house (which she couldn't, even if Bella was dead because Charlie lives there)

I know! Vampires having to be invited into a house? Why would that happen?

And there's NEVER a mention of anything happening at night. NEVER.

Not to mention the fact that in 2006, judging by the comics, Angel was in LA which was in hell at that point. Literal hell.

I don't know the comics, but yes, I would think that saving the world would take precedence over panting after Bella Swan. She'd probably disagree, though. Why save the world for a bunch of stupid humans?
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 11:35 am (UTC)
*brain explodes*

Darla and Dru would *never* pay for something when they could just *take* it!
But then, the Cullens pay for stuff all the time, so maybe that's a Meyerification of the characters.

And can someone tell me *why* they needed FIVE cars to go shopping? Oh they didn't, I hear you so. Yeah, that was just a convenient way of showing how awesome their cars are even though, in canon, they never cared about money- they just took what they wanted. Spike lived in a CRYPT ffs.

Gah. Just... gah. But at least your sporking was entertaining. :D
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 12:45 pm (UTC)
The Meyerification of the vampires gets worse, as you will see. Touch of the Wind seems incapable of imagining vampires that are not filthy rich and Cullenesque. Oh, and total show-offs.

I'm pretty sure that the Suethor would be appalled to learn that Spike ever lived in a crypt, too.

And thanks! I'm glad it was entertaining!
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 01:32 pm (UTC)
I just have to say that you're being very brave tackling this piece of, well, work :)

And another thing - I thought that 'childe' came from RPG Vampire: the Masquerade and was just replicated in the LARP parties ;)

Very interesting analysis - I enjoy the pictures and admire the amount of real work that goes into this :)
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 01:51 pm (UTC)
Most of the sources I checked said that "childe" came from the LARP, so that's what I went with. I'm sorry I got it wrong.

Either way, I still want to know who thought it would be cool to stick an E on the end of "child" in Vampire: the Masquerade, because I would like to dump several tons of the Oxford English Dictionary on his or her head. (The OED comes in a twenty-volume set.)

And thank you.

[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 02:10 pm (UTC)
There is so much wrong with this, it ain't even funny.... Geezes christ! Both as a vampire-LARPER who uses the rules from Vampire The Masquerade AND a long time Buffy-fan.... This is down right painful. She has cut Angelus balls off..... AND Spikes balls off... Not to mention she fucks with my favourite character from the show, Drusilla. I am not amused... *fumes*
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 02:56 pm (UTC)
I'd like to reassure you, but...it gets worse. Painfully, insultingly worse. This thing had me wishing on many occasions that I could cast fire spells like Harry Dresden in my icon--because there were many, many times that being able to make something other than my head explode would have been a relief.
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 06:23 pm (UTC)
I guess this calls for more glorification, I see here. :/

Do. Not. Want.

I need to watch Buffy but I'm too busy watching True Blood. XD

I lol'd at Belladonna. Makes perfect sense. XD

[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 09:20 pm (UTC)
Actually, I think this Suethor calls for more Glorificus. (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

How IS True Blood?
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 09:31 pm (UTC)
I can't read this trash.

Not your sporking, oh god no - that's just perfectly snarky and anti-Sueriffic.

The Suethor's 'work' (as much as taking a shit on a word processor and calling it writing can be deemed work) is just so gut-wrenchingly god-awful that I'm unable to focus on the sporking because the bolded text keeps drawing my eye back toward that rotting mass of fappage Touch of Satan felt like showing off to the world. It's just so...Meyer-ish that every time I see it the urge to kill rises, and that's not healthy - either for me or for either woman involved.

Assuming Meyer and Touch of Satan are women...or even human.

That, and it gives me flashbacks to my own time as a fanfiction writers, and believe me when I say no one wants that.

So I leave you with this semi-related comment:

"The Touch of Satan: softens your hands while you do the dishes."
[User Picture]
Date:April 17th, 2011 09:53 pm (UTC)
I'm honestly not convinced that That Touch of Satan ISN'T Meyer. The style is exactly the same, mirroring Meyer's anti-human, anti-female, hybristophiliac tripe so well that it's creepy. It's like the Uncanny Valley of fanfic.

"The Touch of Satan: softens your hands while you do the dishes."


"What do you get when you fall from grace?/You only get cast into perdition..."
[User Picture]
Date:April 18th, 2011 09:07 am (UTC)
Oh. My. Frag.
When you first mentioned that Bella gets paired with "one of the Buffyverse’s most evil and sadistic monsters", my first half-thought was "The Mayor? No way!" (that "indulging Electra complex" thing got me for half a moment). Angelus was my second guess, but in some way it was even less believable. I mean - why would anyone want to have Angelus as a love interest, unless one was seriously in the head and wanted to exploit his destructive tendencies? (disturbing it may be, at least it's logical). If she wanted a tender and compassionate guy, Angel was there for the taking! (well, technically he wasn't, but when did that ever stop the fangirls?). My best guess is, that she wanted to have not only him, but also his little vampire gang, which would be pretty much out if she went with Angel, so she decided to have Angelus instead and overlook all the killing/raping/abusing stuff. Which is scary as all hell o_O

David Boreanaz--yes, the same guy who now plays FBI agent Seeley Booth on Bones--cannot fake an Irish brogue to save his life.

Well, he tends to do the "barely comprehensible mumbling" thing a lot. I haven't watched "Bones", so I don't know if it's his idea of faking an Irish brogue or just his manner of speech in general. And if I remember correctly, there is one person in "Angel" who does an Irish brogue without missing a beat (probably due to a serious case of being Irish) and that's Doyle.
[User Picture]
Date:April 18th, 2011 12:09 pm (UTC)
Oh great. Another crappy Buffy/Twilight crossover that really doesn't work. :S Why can't this author even be bothered to look up plot synopses? Why? Oh right, that would make SENSE.


Has reminded me I need to find Buffy icons though :D Every cloud...
[User Picture]
Date:April 18th, 2011 08:43 pm (UTC)
Unfortunately, in areas such as this, that silver lining is actually a DC-9 coming the other way.

*is sucked into a turbine*
[User Picture]
Date:April 25th, 2011 05:00 pm (UTC)

Man, but I'm so pissed off already.

O-kay. The exact same premise that we got for Because God Commanded It. How wonderful.

Like I said, I haven't seen an episode of either Buffy or Angel in years, yet even I know that vampires in Jossverse are, generally speaking, total bastards, and that Angelus in particular was. A. Monster. I also know that, when he had his soul, he was a pre-eminent Good Guy. Geeze, Buffy even fell in love with him. *points a trembling finger at the fic* It doesn't work like that! Gah! And this maniac is supposed to be the love interest? Augh!

And why in Hell can't this girl keep her cannons straight? Yes, I know this is a crossover, but, as you say, the terms 'childe' and 'sire' are from Vampire: The Masquerade, which, like the shows, is way to awesome to be dragged into this dreck in any capacity. Wouldn't surprise me if we got instances of 'Prince' and 'Primogen' tossed at us next. *headdesk* Y'know, I'm inclined to agree with you. The Suethor got all her knowledge about Jossverse vampires from especially crappy ficcies. It's the only plausible explanation: no-one who is familiar with the real aspects of a cannon would make such heinous mistakes.

And another thing. Who in blazes does she think gives a damn about the exact outfits her characters wear and the exact cars they drive? To the point where she actually posts links that (should) lead to pictures of said outfits and cars? We. Don't. Effing. Care!

And finally, one of my very biggest pet peeves: crappy, meaningless sex scenes. Hopeless romantic that I am - my apologies - I tend to think of sex as an (not the, but an) expression of love. This can make sex scenes very important in terms of plot and character development, or, why not, character expression. Reading an announcement that they're easily skippable is enough to make me hate a fic before I've even started reading the damn thing. That? Is not good.

*looks up* Ehm... I'm sorry about the relentless rant. The more I get ticked off, the more I start to babble.

(On a side note, I'm sorry to hear about your legs. My mum has some rather serious problems with hers, and I know how unpleasant it can be. Hope you get better.)
[User Picture]
Date:April 25th, 2011 08:52 pm (UTC)

Re: Man, but I'm so pissed off already.

The exact same premise that we got for Because God Commanded It. How wonderful.

Basically, yes. She keeps writing the same story over and over again, just in different universes.

And finally, one of my very biggest pet peeves: crappy, meaningless sex scenes. Hopeless romantic that I am - my apologies - I tend to think of sex as an (not the, but an) expression of love. This can make sex scenes very important in terms of plot and character development, or, why not, character expression. Reading an announcement that they're easily skippable is enough to make me hate a fic before I've even started reading the damn thing. That? Is not good.

I'm not a romantic at all, but I agree--sex should be part of the plot, part of the characterization or both. If the scene is skippable, why is it in the story in the first place?

Thanks for the good wishes about my legs. I'm getting therapy for them right now; they've gone down 12 centimeters and 4 liters of fluid in a week. Lymphedema doesn't get better and go away; but the swelling is in remission, at least, and that is GOOD.
Date:January 13th, 2013 04:34 am (UTC)
"As opposed to climbing onto the car roofs, as so many people do when they drive."

How 'bout dancing on the hood while the car's still rolling? ;)

Anyone know how much of an overlap there is between hip-hop fans and Twilight fans?
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Date:April 21st, 2013 09:13 pm (UTC)
Not to complain about the spork at all, because it's amazing, but Spike WAS called dark prince once. Just not by Dru. In "Lies My Parents Told Me" Anne, William's mum, says "Who's my little dark prince?" after she has been turned. I know, nitpicking. Sorry :)

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