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September 9th, 2011


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das_mervin
10:52 pm - [GEHAYI AND DAS MERVIN] Breaking Free - Table of Contents
Breaking Free

By laughingdork101

Alternate Title: Lies, Stalking, Self-Hatred, and Other Signs of Love

SPORKERS: GEHAYI AND DAS MERVIN

GEHAYI: Hi, guys.

Well, we have another crossover. Obviously, it is not the Twilight/Charmed one by Touch of the Wind; I gave up on that once I realized that 90% of the second chapter of the fic was copied, word for word, from the first chapter of Twilight. (Amazingly, not one of her reviewers—who are all dedicated Twifans—noticed this.)

So that meant that I had to go and find another Twilight crossover. But…I just couldn’t find anything sufficiently WTF to warrant sporkage and sufficiently unusual to catch your attention.

And then I discovered this tale, which features a pairing in which the two parties are about as well-matched as rotten fish and melted chocolate. It is a tale of Twu Wuv, of stalking and soul mates, of people taking forever to grasp the mind-bogglingly obvious, of massive, massive Character Derailment…and of not getting the point of either series.

This is the story of the true, the epic, the destined and eternal romance between Edward Cullen…

…and Castiel.

Yes. The Angel of the Lord.

Who, in this tale, regards himself as a vile and despicable monster, unworthy of love.

I wish I were kidding.

MERVIN: You know, the only crossover ship between these two canons that would piss me off more than Castiel/Bella is probably Castiel/Edward. Doubly so now that I am not only shipping Dean/Cas more than ever, but also want a hot piece of Castaladriel’s evil sadistic ass. Hope you don’t mind if I join you, Gehayi.

GEHAYI: Mind? Oh, hell no! You’re more than welcome. Pull up a chair, grab some popcorn, and turn on MST3K for inspiration. Let the sporking begin.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 – Thinking twice
Chapter 2 – Something more
Chapter 3 – Stalker? Should we tell mom and dad?
Chapter 4 – Saving you
Chapter 5 – Don't do this to me
Chapter 6 – Enemies
Chapter 7 – Finally getting it
Chapter 8 – Bubbles and Sunshine
Chapter 9 – You're mine, forever
Chapter 10 – Sleep once more
Chapter 11 – Tempers, get the best of you
Chapter 12 – Monstrous
Chapter 13 – No matter what


(29 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:blonde_sarcasm
Date:September 10th, 2011 06:48 am (UTC)
(Link)
"This is the story of the true, the epic, the destined and eternal romance between Edward Cullen…

…and Castiel."

...

...Whaaaaaat?

I don't even-

...

"Who, in this tale, regards himself as a vile and despicable monster, unworthy of love."

...Whaaaaaat?
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:September 10th, 2011 07:35 pm (UTC)
(Link)
It never gets any more logical than that, either.
[User Picture]
From:quicksilvermad
Date:September 10th, 2011 10:44 am (UTC)
(Link)
A BASIN FOR ALL MY TEARS

THIS IS PHYSICALLY PAINFUL

I HAVE ABANDONED USE OF PUNCTUATION AND PROPER GRAMMAR

I HOPE YOU ARE BOTH VERY HAPPY WITH YOURSELVES
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:September 10th, 2011 07:30 pm (UTC)

On Castiel's Day

(Link)
THIS IS PHYSICALLY PAINFUL

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

I HAVE ABANDONED USE OF PUNCTUATION AND PROPER GRAMMAR

SO DID THE SUETHOR.

I HOPE YOU ARE BOTH VERY HAPPY WITH YOURSELVES

With apologies to both Shakespeare and Henry V:

This day is call'd the eve of 9/11,
That heinous day that fills hearts with despair.
But she that outlives this spork, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when 9/10 is nam'd,
And rouse her at the name of Castiel.
She that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast her neighbours,
And say 'On 9/10 did I weep for Castiel.'
Then will she speak of grief and soul-deep scars,
And say 'These wounds I got from Edward/Castiel .'
The old forget; yet, should all be forgotten,
We'll remember (though we may wish we did not)
What battles began this day. Then shall our names,
Familiar on the Net as sporkers all--
Das Mervin, Mrs. Hyde, Ket Makura, Guardian's Song,
Gehayi and Zelda Queen, Sttq and Lurkythespork
Lisaerin, Midoriri and Mancalledtrue,
Erikalyndis and HCB Chibi, Pulchraverba, Doodsnapefreak,
Hoppytoad79 and all those who do group sporks--
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.

This story shall the snarky Netizens teach each n00b;
And this day--this ghastly day--shall ne'er go by
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we mocking few, we band of siblings;
For he/she that snarks at ill today with me
Shall be my sibling; be she vile or he despised,
This day shall be ennobled;
And canon_sues, deleterius, pottersues
Shall think themselves accurs'd this tale's outside their purview,
And hold their purple sporks cheap whilst any speaks
That survived Ed/Castiel upon 9/10.


(Note who might be confused: I listed all the known sporkers in das_sporking's tag list. Mervin and I are the only ones sporking this monstrosity, however.)

Edited at 2011-09-10 07:32 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
From:sos_sporkers
Date:June 28th, 2012 05:25 am (UTC)

Re: On Castiel's Day

(Link)
...HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS BEFORE?

MY LOVE FOR YOU KNOWS NO BOUNDS. *BOWS DOWN IN AWE*
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:June 28th, 2012 01:23 pm (UTC)

Re: On Castiel's Day

(Link)
Thank you! (And filking the St. Crispin's Day speech was FUN.)
[User Picture]
From:amadris
Date:September 10th, 2011 11:15 am (UTC)
(Link)


I AM TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:September 10th, 2011 06:49 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I AM TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE

SO ARE WE.
[User Picture]
From:angel_renoir
Date:September 10th, 2011 12:24 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Edward and Castiel? Okay... Let's see how horrifyingly terrible the story is.

Off-topic remark, but I have to ask who or what is "Castaladriel" and how is he different from the normal Castiel?
[User Picture]
From:das_mervin
Date:September 10th, 2011 02:07 pm (UTC)
(Link)
You have no idea. Believe me.

Okay, let's see if I can explain this in a short way. Do not ask me for any back story otherwise I'll be explaining all of Season Six of "Supernatural"...

Castiel = Usual Angel of the Lord that we know and love
Castaladriel = Castiel as well, except now he has sucked up and absorbed all of the millions of souls in Purgatory and they have officially driven him insane and, drunk on the power they give him, he declares himself God and I dubbed him Castaladriel rather than the preferred "Godstiel" because his final line after telling everyone that he is God is, "And so you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord, or I will destroy you all." So he went "ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR."

And there you go. One of them is normal. The other is bugfuck insane.
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:September 10th, 2011 06:48 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Edward and Castiel? Okay... Let's see how horrifyingly terrible the story is.

There is no way to describe how horrible it is without going into a rant as long as the story itself, alas. I think, however, that the word "HORRIBIFUCKUS" might apply.

This is an icon of Castaladriel by kayjay. Does that help?
[User Picture]
From:blonde_sarcasm
Date:September 10th, 2011 10:13 pm (UTC)
(Link)
You and Das Mervin's icons... O.O Castiel's a badass... But a completely insane one, at that.
[User Picture]
From:xxburningsoulxx
Date:September 10th, 2011 07:12 pm (UTC)
(Link)


[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:September 10th, 2011 07:35 pm (UTC)
(Link)
That's the face I made when I first saw this story, yes.
[User Picture]
From:sttq
Date:September 10th, 2011 07:53 pm (UTC)

Guh?

(Link)
I... I thought I'd seen everything in terms of batshit insane pairings, but... *gawps*

Damn, you poor things. Both of you.
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:September 10th, 2011 10:08 pm (UTC)

Re: Guh?

(Link)
I know. I couldn't believe it when I saw it, either. And I have seen and read Hogwarts Castle/Giant Squid fic.

Damn, you poor things. Both of you.

Thank you. We appreciate the sympathy.
[User Picture]
From:blonde_sarcasm
Date:September 10th, 2011 10:14 pm (UTC)

Re: Guh?

(Link)
"And I have seen and read Hogwarts Castle/Giant Squid fic."

WELL, IT MAKES MORE SENSE THAN CASTIEL AND WARDO!!!
[User Picture]
From:sttq
Date:September 11th, 2011 10:58 am (UTC)

Re: Guh?

(Link)
And I have seen and read Hogwarts Castle/Giant Squid fic.

That? That is precisely the story that popped into my head when I saw the vamp/angel pairing. And I thought, 'Even mollusk-on-building BDSM isn't worse than this.' Christ.
[User Picture]
From:kseenaa
Date:September 10th, 2011 09:24 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Holy shit. Now there is a pairing made in Hades! o.O
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:September 10th, 2011 10:08 pm (UTC)
(Link)
That would explain much of this story, actually.
[User Picture]
From:linneakou
Date:September 11th, 2011 01:06 am (UTC)
(Link)
[User Picture]
From:1ofthestrange1s
Date:September 11th, 2011 02:23 pm (UTC)

/ALL MY CREYZ

(Link)
Why. Why why why why why?!!!
title or description


To conceive of that pairing, to think that it could be a feasible plausible couple to even have anything to do with putting the two together I just haaablllargmmmfssstttiggggle!
From:southerngaelic
Date:September 11th, 2011 05:32 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I may have let out a short bark of horrified laughter before going silent.

This
I cannot
What
HOW
WHY
[User Picture]
From:axilet
Date:September 12th, 2011 12:51 pm (UTC)
(Link)
CASTIEL/EDWARD?!!!

*screams in horror*

NO EFFING WAY!

I mean, who better to teach humanity to an inhuman angel of the Lord...then a narcissistic, speciest vampire? Yeah, that's totally the candidate of choice.

*boggles some more*
[User Picture]
From:madforbeyond
Date:August 9th, 2012 10:37 pm (UTC)
(Link)
This.

...I...

...PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A TROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From:(Anonymous)
Date:March 29th, 2013 05:09 am (UTC)

Reviews

(Link)
I was looking at the reviews for this, and who should I come across reviewing? Why none other than that Suethor we all know and hate, Touch of the Wind! Nothing but good things to say, of course. Doesn't really surprise me, but I had a good laugh at it and thought you might like to hear that little tid bit of info! Love your Sporkings by the way!
[User Picture]
From:demon_sprite
Date:July 18th, 2013 02:01 am (UTC)
(Link)
Would it be too much to hope that Dean makes an appearance to rescue his angel from the clutches of the evil sparklepire?

On a more serious note, and I am not just saying this because I am a hardcore Destiel shipper, but Castiel/Edward would not work on many levels, one of them being that Castiel loves humanity while Edward looks down on humanity. It just boggles my mind.
[User Picture]
From:delyhisb
Date:May 7th, 2015 09:25 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Are you kidding me?! This pairing is just... HOW DOES IT WORK??

*explodes*
[User Picture]
From:essayofthoughts
Date:September 15th, 2015 10:42 am (UTC)

Plot Bunny

(Link)
As a result of reading this poor sporking and the accursed fic:

Why not try a crossover which twists Supernatural canon so angels have got involved before, such as with the Romanians, and during the newborn armies incident (and are what made the Volturi go, "Uh, guys? Please stop. We don't want heavenly involvement because they will track us all down and KILL US.") and that is how Jasper knows what angels are and is hella scared of them. Stuff happens the Cullens and Bella, shallow as they are, find Castiel far too prettiful, and are easily killed by him and a few other angels. Over the course of the story its revealed the reason they targeted them is because usually they don't care unless there is total havoc, but Edward the prat decided to pray in the hope that Bella wouldn't lose her soul (HAH) on being turned into a vampire, attracting the attention of angels who looked into all their pasts and just went "Dear dad, you monsters." and killed them all. Even Carlisle.

Maybe not Emmett (and Rose because he'd be sad without her and she can be given one of her less sucky personalities with the others gone). But all of them for their "slip ups" and pride and narcissism, and Bella's uncaringness for the rest of humanity and Jasper's outright fucking crazy, and Carlisle for standing by and letting it happen and taking back in judge-jury-and-executioner Edward.

I mean I don't know (or care for) either canon well enough to write it, so it might not work, but tbh, I like the idea of Jasper not leaving because of other vampires he sorta liked but because "oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck we're all gonna die" and legging it. Meyer does glorify cowardice after all. And prettifulness. And also irony of angels being summoned by Edward praying for someone's soul and and angels going "THESE SOULLESS MONSTERS" and killing them all for it.

... Sorry, that got rambly. But yeah.

Edited at 2015-09-15 10:42 am (UTC)

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