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Fifty Shades of Grey--Chapter 1 [SPORKERS: GEHAYI and KET MAKURA] - The Sporkings of Das Mervin and Company

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April 6th, 2012


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gehayi
09:34 pm - Fifty Shades of Grey--Chapter 1 [SPORKERS: GEHAYI and KET MAKURA]
Dedication | Table of Contents | Chapter 2



Chapter One


GEHAYI: I had only seen Ket in sporkings with Mervin before this. But shortly after I said that I would spork this atrocious book, Mervin came to me and said, “I told Ket about this and she’s furious. And she would love a crack at it. So I was thinking, if you’d like to spork it together.” And I thought that would be a good idea, because…well, it might help to have a second sporker when my head exploded. And so here we are. Hello, Ket. Nice to meet you.

KET: Pleasure is mine, Gehayi! Really, “furious” is a tame way to put it; I absolutely lost my shit.

GEHAYI: And she’s not kidding. This book enraged us both. And we didn’t expect that. Not these levels of fury, at any rate. Let’s get into why we hate this vomitous mess. Ket, why do you hate this withered testicle of a gerbil?

KET: All right, personal history time! Anyone who’s read other sporkings I’ve done will probably not be shocked to find out that I’m into BDSM. What you might not know is that I was in the Lifestyle for a while. As a Submissive. Yes, really. While I’m not in it now for reasons that will surely come up during the sporking, I know that there are healthy, happy Total Power Exchange relationships. But too often, they’re written as abusive, as predatory, and hey, let’s call a spade a spade here—as rape. And this…this piece of died-up shit here? Is all three of those things. And that just pisses me right the fuck off.

GEHAYI: I don’t blame you one bit.

KET: And your turn! Why does this waste of filespace piss you off, Gehayi?

GEHAYI: Those of you who have been reading the sporkings for a while know that I’m an editor, and that many of the things I edit are romances. Now, I have MAJOR issues with rape, stalking and controlling another person against his or her will being presented as romantic. All of these things are rife in the romance genre and I HATE that, because people are idiots and will believe that if an author SAYS it is romantic, the author must be right.

I’m an oddball in that I will tell the author that X is not acceptable and that we don’t want to send the message that rape and stalking are signs of love. But all too often, both are sugar-coated, so that you read about a man being “overwhelmed with passion” and “taking” a woman as she vainly tries to fight him off, or about a boy stalking someone he has exchanged one word with: “Hello.” And if you repeat something often enough, people begin to believe that is not only the way that it is, but the way that it SHOULD be.

This kind of drivel—which, fortunately, is not the only thing written in the genre but is far too common—causes damage. It tells women that stalking is love, that rape is love, that physical and mental degradation which they loathe and want no part of are love. It’s just the man’s way, and they need to accept that.

It is a vile, contemptible, anti-woman message and the fact that this piece of shit, like most romance novels, was written by a woman just makes the message that much worse.

The fact that I have a couple of friends in the BDSM lifestyle and that their information directly contradicts, oh, THE ENTIRE BOOK, plus the fact that the Suethor couldn’t be arsed to do one scrap of research is just the rancid icing on a very ugly cake.

*sighing* I suppose there’s no point in stalling. Let’s get going.



At rise, Anastasia Steele, called Ana, is scowling at herself in the mirror; she’s having a bad hair day because she went to sleep when it was still wet. She gets points for having such a day and for screwing up her hair herself. She also gets points for genuinely sounding as if she looks ordinary, for she describes herself as a “pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face.

Unfortunately, she loses points for bitching about someone else immediately after in the first paragraph.

damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal.

KET: *skims the first chapter* What the ass am I reading?

GEHAYI: Something straight off of FF.net. Present tense, descriptions of everything (especially clothes), hatred of blondes, and, of course, a dull protagonist with no self-esteem. Generic Suethor slime.

KET: The present tense is so annoying.

GEHAYI: Get used to it. The Suethor LAAAHVES it. She thinks it adds immediacy. Never mind that present tense is very difficult to use successfully.

And, by the way, Ana isn’t just annoyed with Kate for the moment. No. After that comment in the first paragraph, Ana complains about this young woman for the entire second paragraph:

Kate is my roommate, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu.

GEHAYI: That’s the second time that Ana has said this. I think that Ana honestly believes that Kate deliberately chose to get sick JUST to inconvenience her.

Therefore, she cannot attend the interview she’d arranged to do, with some mega-industrialist tycoon I’ve never heard of, for the student newspaper.

GEHAYI: Actually, this makes sense. If you’re seriously ill with a contagious disease and you don’t absolutely have to work, stay home. The most logical thing to do would be to notify the tycoon’s receptionist and ask for a rain check, if you hadn’t set one up already.

So I have been volunteered.

GEHAYI: Any reason why Kate didn’t ask someone who works for the student newspaper to fill in for her? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

This, really, is where the plot falls apart. The whole book is based on the idea that a) Kate cannot ask someone who works on the student newspaper to do the interview for her, instead of a girl who has no interest in journalism and b) that it would take six months to reschedule an appointment with this man, instead of having a rain check set up in advance.

KET: Not only that, it also implies that this guy, who is apparently granting the interview because he works with the school, is perfectly fine with being a rude asshole.

GEHAYI: And that Kate would just put up with this bullying instead of talking to the faculty advisor for the paper and telling him or her how unprofessional and rude this man was. Publicity cuts both ways, y’know.

KET: And if the interview were so important to ME and my career, I’d haul my ass down there, no matter if I were dying from the plague.

GEHAYI: Although frankly, if I were Grey, I wouldn’t WANT someone with the flu in my office. I’d consider that a perfectly legitimate excuse and reschedule.

KET: Oh, absolutely. Which would mean a simple phone call to reschedule. Boom. Book plot collapses like a house of cards.

GEHAYI: And then we have Not-Bella putting on her martyr act.

I have final exams to cram for, one essay to finish, and I’m supposed to be working this afternoon, but no – today I have to drive a hundred and sixty-five miles to downtown Seattle

GEHAYI: No, you DON’T have to.

KET: No shit!

GEHAYI: You could say, “No, I have other commitments,” which you obviously do.

KET: And you have no life.

GEHAYI: I think…and it’s an awful thing to think, but I’ve seen this before…that the author is writing Ana as someone “who cain’t say no” because she’s secretly a sub in search of a dom, so she can’t POSSIBLY stand up for herself, inside or outside the bedroom.

KET: And she has no prior attraction to men.

GEHAYI: Or women. Or sheep, for that matter.

KET: Right. She went from asexual to all a-fire with lust.

GEHAYI: And she spends half her time telling him no, she doesn’t want to do X. So I question whether she’s so much Christian Grey-sexual as she is too intimidated to refuse. Which brings us back to rape again.

KET: I would, except she was in lust with him from like, word one.

GEHAYI: Even when she doesn’t REALIZE it. Because he is just that sexy. Supposedly.

KET: Supposedly. Me, I would have been thinking, “If this douchebag doesn’t shut up, I’m gonna punch him in the beanbag.” And bear in mind, I LIKE dominant men.

GEHAYI: Dominant doesn’t have to mean douche. Pity the Suethor can’t grasp that.

KET: Oh, absolutely. Dominant shouldn’t mean douche.

in order to meet the enigmatic CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

GEHAYI: Notice the abbreviation “Inc.” That means that Grey Enterprises Holdings is a corporation. Please remember this, because, in a few pages, the author won’t.

As an exceptional entrepreneur and major benefactor of our University, his time is extraordinarily precious – much more precious than mine – but he has granted Kate an interview.

KET: Oh, puke.

GEHAYI: I’m very glad that his time is an entrepreneur, and a beneficent one at that. Most people don’t have such hard-working and charitable time. Mister Grey can be proud. Also, is it me, or does the “exceptional entrepreneur” phrase sound like it just stumbled out of a shareholder report?

KET: Or a board meeting.

GEHAYI: Back to what passes for the story. Kate is curled up on the couch feeling miserable. She tells Ana that it took her nine months to get Grey to consent to this interview. So…she started campaigning for this back in September, then? She’s also convinced that it would take six months to get Grey to reschedule, and since Kate and Ana are about to graduate, that’s not workable.

As Kate pleads, Ana focuses on Kate’s appearance and rather clearly expresses jealousy.

How does she do it? Even ill she looks gamine and gorgeous, strawberry blonde hair in place and green eyes bright, although now red-rimmed and runny. I ignore my pang of unwelcome sympathy.

GEHAYI: Yes, how dare she lie there being blonde and beautiful and ill!

And while I would call someone with strawberry blonde hair a redhead, I really think that “blonde” is the key word here. Ana does not like blonde women, especially beautiful ones.

KET: She also was mentally unkind to the blonde secretaries.

GEHAYI: She was, and we will deal with THAT, because they were nothing but nice to her.

KET: Right. Not warm and fuzzy, maybe, but professionally polite.

GEHAYI: Yes. But she projected everything negative onto them. A polite smile? “THEY ARE LAUGHING AT ME.”

KET: She should know better, working in retail. Customer service breaks you. You smile politely all the time. Even when you’re not at work. It’s not necessarily real; it’s just present.

GEHAYI: Back to the story. Kate gives Ana a sheaf of questions and her mini-disc recorder, telling her to just make notes. Ana says that she doesn’t know anything about him, but Kate tells her that the questions will ensure that she gets through this all right. I think that this is meant to imply that Ana should read the questions before the interview to familiarize herself with the subject of the interview.

SPOILERS—she doesn’t do that, because if she did, she and The Douchebag couldn’t have what the Suethor clearly believes is a Meet Cute.

KET: And later on, she bitches at Kate that she wasn’t told he was so young and cute. You…clearly didn’t ask her any questions about this guy, either. Whose fault is that? And you said you don’t have a personal laptop. Okay. You’re in college; you will need one to write papers. You couldn’t use your college’s library computers to look him up, either? Anything?

GEHAYI: After chirping cheerily that she made some soup for Kate to heat up, we get Ana being a martyr again:

I stare at her fondly. Only for you, Kate, would I do this.

GEHAYI: But we’re not done yet. Oh, no. As Ana walks out the door, she continues to fuss that she can’t imagine how Kate convinced her to do this, though she admits that Kate has a knack for talking people into things. Ana tells us that Kate will be a wonderful reporter, apparently because of this knack. “She’s articulate, strong, persuasive, argumentative, beautiful – and she’s my dearest, dearest friend.

Up till now, Ana has just been catty, insecure and insincere with a dollop of martyrdom.

KET: And most importantly: none of these seem to be presented as flaws. The insecurity is supposed to be “endearing.” The only real “flaw” is her clumsiness.

GEHAYI: Now we get the first “did not do the research” bit in the story—about four pages in.

The roads are clear as I set off from Vancouver, WA toward Portland and the I-5. It’s early, and I don’t have to be in Seattle until two this afternoon.

GEHAYI: A) You’re not supposed to use postal codes in place of state names in formal writing. It’s “Vancouver, Washington” in a book. It’s “Vancouver, WA” on an envelope. See the difference? You’re also supposed to have a comma after the state name. “The roads are clear as I set off from Vancouver, Washington, toward Portland and the I-5.” That is correct. What you wrote isn’t.

B) If she’s driving toward Portland, she’s going in the wrong direction. Portland, Oregon, is SOUTH of Vancouver. Seattle and the I-5 are north—two hours and thirty-nine minutes away. Going to Portland and then turning around going back the way you came? That adds nearly a half hour to your drive time. Good job, genius.

KET: In changing your 11% so you wouldn’t get sued, author, you could have changed it to a location you actually know.

GEHAYI: Or, I don’t know, USED GOOGLE MAPS. It would have taken about two minutes. I know, because that’s what I did.

KET: You know, that is one of the things that bugs me the most about books (and fics) like this; lazy writing. Most of the “Victorian” stuff in the Sweeney Todd stores by Gethsemane? That took me two seconds of Google to find wrong. Why is it so hard for people to use Google?! Hell, I’d even take Wikipedia at this point, and it’s regarded as the root of all evil when it comes to genuine research and writing!

GEHAYI: I don’t know. I do know that romance writing as a genre tends to have issues with research and accuracy. I cannot tell you how many authors I’ve seen who respond to complaints about inaccuracy that they’re not writing textbooks. Because clearly accuracy would have to be dull, right?

KET: As opposed to, “I know the author got that wrong and it’s breaking my suspension of disbelief.”

GEHAYI: Yep. I don’t get it.

KET: If something takes too much research for you, don’t write it. That’s why I don’t write historical fantasy like I want to. The amount of research needed makes my head spin, and I know I would end up getting a piece of clothing or something wrong, and people would kill me.

GEHAYI: After some blather about how much she loves driving Kate’s Mercedes fast, we arrive at the corporate headquarters in Seattle. Ana tells us that it is “a huge twentystory office building.” I think it’s meant to tower over everything else in a phallic way.

The problem is that Columbia Center in Seattle is seventy-six stories high. The second tallest is 1201 Third Avenue—formerly the Washington Mutual Center—which is fifty-five stories high. At twenty stories, this one wouldn’t even make the list of the top twenty-four.

KET: No kidding. Twenty stories is not that tall.

GEHAYI: But Ana seems to think it is. I’m going to interpret this as meaning that Christian Grey has a much smaller dick than he lets on. Granted, he HIMSELF is a huge dick, but that’s not the same thing.

KET: We can assume that Ana has never seen another dick, so she has no real idea whether or not his is actually huge.

GEHAYI: His first name should be Dick, seriously.

KET: Richard Cranium.

GEHAYI: Also, yes, she did write “twentystory.” Get used to this. The Suethor seems completely confused by how to write compound words—even those that, in the UK, don’t normally use hyphens. She alternates between not using them at all and jamming multiple words together. And she does this in just about every sentence. I’m not going to be bitching about that very much, because if I did, we would never get done. And if we don’t get done, Ket will slaughter me with her spatula.

Back to the horror. Ana arrives at the office building only fifteen minutes before the interview. So the side quest to Portland didn’t save any time? What are the odds!

KET: I just thought of something: Does Ana ever say what she is going to college for?

GEHAYI: English Literature.

KET: Oh, of course. Because she is reading all of those classic books. That’s another Mary Sue trait; having “refined” tastes in books, movies, or music.

GEHAYI: She mentions her favorites. Shakespeare, Austen, the Brontës, Thomas Hardy. Not that there’s anything wrong with liking those authors, but it sounds so Bella Swan that I could spit, to say nothing of the fact that English Literature was Meyer’s major in college as well. Oh, and now we get to the parade of blondes and Ana’s issues with them.

Behind the solid sandstone desk, a very attractive, groomed, blonde young woman smiles pleasantly at me. She’s wearing the sharpest charcoal suit jacket and white shirt I have ever seen. She looks immaculate.

GEHAYI: That’s an odd way of putting it. “Immaculately groomed” or “immaculately turned out,” I could understand. But just “immaculate”? What, you were expecting her to be filthy?

KET: All it’s doing is making me uncomfortable, and it's all the more obvious how low her self-esteem is, when this “white knight” shows up for her.

GEHAYI: Agreed. Yet at the same time, I can’t like her, because every minute, she’s whining or saying something insincere.

KET: No. She’s catty and dishonest, and while I’m sure some of her cattiness is BECAUSE she is so insecure, it doesn’t make her likable.

GEHAYI: So after we get a description of her clothes and the secretary smiling politely, which, as stated above, Ana interprets as a sign that the secretary is amused by her and is therefore laughing at her, this happens:

She hands me a security pass that has VISITOR very firmly stamped on the front. I can’t help my smirk. Surely it’s obvious that I’m just visiting. I don’t fit in here at all.

GEHAYI: Ah, the dumbassery with the VISITOR badge. Ana is all “oh, you are just being cruel to give me a visitor badge, for clearly I do not fit in here, woe is me, I don’t need a badge to demonstrate that…” What are you, twelve?

KET: No shit. Why are you taking that personally, stupid? Especially when you, specifically, aren’t even the person expected!

GEHAYI: Seriously, they should have asked for a couple of forms of ID to confirm that she was who she said she was. And his office should not have been accessible by general elevator. She should have had to have a visitor’s key card to even get into the lobby of his office. And she should have had to show that badge of hers to Security.

KET: For all they knew, she would have come in and shot him.

GEHAYI: In which case she would deserve a medal, but yes.

KET: And the book would have been so much better. Also, the first chapter is boring. The interview with him is boring, even with his dickishness.

GEHAYI: True. But it never gets any better. This is pretty much it, folks—Ana the Whiny and Christian D. Grey-man. And the D is for Dick.

KET: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!

GEHAYI: Aside from one line, I’m going to skip over a lot of this, because from the time that Ana gets to the lobby of Christian’s office to the time she’s ushered in, nothing happens. She whines about how she would rather be anonymous in a group or huddled in the library with a book. She makes a snide comment about the flawlessly clad blondes working in this building: “What is it with all the immaculate blondes? It’s like Stepford here.” And there’s a half page—I’m not kidding—in which she and one of the blondes discuss whether she wants and/or will get a glass of water.

KET: And it’s just to be nasty to the first blonde we see, I might add, because she didn’t offer Ana anything.

GEHAYI: Also, way to imply that the three blonde women—who have been perfectly polite in a professional way—are robots created for the sexual pleasure of a man, rather than human beings. Some of us actually read The Stepford Wives, Suethor. It was an indictment of that attitude.

KET: I love that the “brainless but beautiful” secretary stereotype is still alive and strong.

GEHAYI: Yes. And it’s being promulgated by a woman, too, which makes it so much WORSE. Misogynistic women just make my head hurt. They should know better. They shouldn’t be buying this crap.

KET: Hating other women does not make you progressive. It doesn’t make you cool. It makes you part of the problem.

GEHAYI: Yes. And it’s clear from the text that these women haven’t done ANYTHING to incur this sort of reaction. Ana is, frankly, intimidated by their looks and their attire, and she says so repeatedly. They don’t criticize her, they don’t mock her, they don’t behave haughtily…and she reacts to them as if they are all out to get her.

KET: Not to mention her friend who, while she admittedly was stupid to ask her to do the interview, was not rude or nasty to her.

GEHAYI: True! And what was her reaction to Kate? Rage because SHE didn’t tell Kate “no.” Oh, and feeling sorry for Kate because Kate was sick, and not wanting to feel that way.

KET: What a friend.

GEHAYI: Especially your “dearest, dearest friend.”

KET: Glad she’s not my friend.

GEHAYI: Next up, we have a British writer making a very blatant mistake—one about as obvious as an American writing in a contemporary British setting and having an English character say, “I don’t think that the U.K. has national health insurance, does it?”

Perhaps Mr. Grey insists on all his employees being blonde. I’m wondering idly if that’s legal,

GEHAYI: Now, there are not a lot of non-white characters in this book. While it’s possible for any woman to dye her hair, it seems to me that Ana’s rather implying that all of Mr. Grey’s employees are white, blonde women. And most Americans, I think, have heard of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Businesses state on applications that they are equal opportunity employers. Not allowing for equal opportunity in education and business violates federal law.

By having Ana speculate that Grey only hires white blonde women—and seeing nothing wrong with this, to the point where she doesn’t even know if it’s illegal—you, Suethor, have stated that your protagonist is a racist and that she approves of the possible racism of Grey. Congrats. And considering that she HAS a job? She should know that it would be illegal. And yes, this is a British writer. I don’t care. Do. The. Research!

KET: She could still observe that he only hires blondes, but she should know that it’s illegal to specifically require your employees to be white and blond.

Here’s another observation, but for later: The only non-white character we meet, her friend the photographer, is the bad guy. He’s the one that forces a kiss on her.

GEHAYI: Oh, no, no. There is another non-white character. He appears in the second half of that sentence.

when the office door opens and a tall, elegantly dressed, attractive AfricanAmerican man with short dreads exits.

KET: Oh, that’s right. But he’s on screen for four seconds. “Hello, Token! Goodbye, Token!”

GEHAYI: Yes, and we don’t know if he works there. He appears onscreen just long enough to ask Grey to play golf with him. Because all rich men play golf, don’t you know.

So we have one non-white villain to serve as a foil to the white male lead’s character and try to show off how awesome he is and one non-white guy who exists to highlight an aspect of the white male lead’s character and show off how awesome he is. If there were a Bechdel test for characters of color, this book would fail.

KET: Hard.

GEHAYI: After the black guy leaves, Blonde Number Two—no, really, that’s what the author calls her—tells Ana the Odious that she can go in now. She makes a point of telling Ana that she doesn’t have to knock before she goes in. I bet that’s unusual for Grey; he’d love to make women ask for permission to do anything, including walking into his office. Never mind that doing so would be part of his secretaries’ jobs.

KET: It kinda doesn’t make sense anyway; why would you just bust into someone’s office without knocking? Especially someone so busy. I can only imagine it’s so our “hero” can bitch at whomever interrupts them.

GEHAYI: Yes. Knocking COULD just be common courtesy—but here it’s about control.

KET: As is the rest of the book.

GEHAYI: So then we get our lolclumsy moment. It is worthy of Meyer.

I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head first into the office.

Double crap – me and my two left feet! I am on my hands and knees in the doorway to Mr. Grey’s office, and gentle hands are around me helping me to stand.


KET: Ugh. That was painful.

GEHAYI: Hands are AROUND her? So I’m guessing that he grabbed her by the waist, effectively copping a feel. And…er…wouldn’t it be easier for her to get up if he offered her a hand to pull her to her feet, rather than grabbing her waist and pulling her toward him? I’m surprised she isn’t feeling an erection pressing against her hip or her butt.

KET: That wouldn’t look as good on the cover of a Harlequin Romance, though. So, no.

GEHAYI: As opposed to the chain-mail necktie on the cover?

KET: It was the alternate cover.

GEHAYI: Then Grey asks her—for the first time—if she wants to sit down. As they shake hands, Ana experiences “an odd exhilarating shiver.” She decides this must be static. Well, of course. Doesn’t every woman experience exhilaration when she shuffles across the carpet and gets a tiny jolt of electricity?

KET: It’s why I scuff my feet on the carpet for an hour before sexy times.

GEHAYI: And then we get our first description of the guy. He sounds like a cross between Wardo and Fanon Lucius Malfoy.

So young – and attractive, very attractive. He’s tall, dressed in a fine gray suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly dark copper colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes that regard me shrewdly. It takes a moment for me to find my voice.

KET: Sorry, but “unruly” hair does not strike me as “hot, young professional.” It strikes me as, “give me a comb so I can make you look like an adult, boy.”

GEHAYI: Let’s see. Tall, impeccably dressed, attractive, filthy rich with grey eyes, and into what the author thinks is BDSM. Sounds like Fanon Lucius to me. And yes, tell me that the control freak here wouldn’t have put straightener or hairspray on his hair to make it, well, ruly.

KET: *raises hand* I’m a fan of Lucius Malfoy, even the fanon version. This loser here does not push my thrill buttons.

GEHAYI: Lucius never thrilled me, but I have read good stories with him. I agree that this creep isn’t pushing any buttons with me, either.

KET: It doesn’t help either that all I can picture is Robert Pattinson trying to be a Dom.

GEHAYI: Also, apparently Alice Cullen decorated his office.

His office is way too big for just one man. In front of the floor-to-ceiling windows, there’s a huge modern dark-wood desk that six people could comfortably eat around. It matches the coffee table by the couch. Everything else is white – ceiling, floors, and walls – except, on the wall by the door, where a mosaic of small paintings hang, thirty-six of them arranged in a square. They are exquisite – a series of mundane, forgotten objects painted in such precise detail they look like photographs. Displayed together, they are breathtaking.

GEHAYI: Six people. Hey, almost enough people for a Cullen family dinner!

KET: …oh, great. That gave me the mental image of all of the Cullenses circled around that desk, feeding on someone laid out on top of it. “Vegetarian,” my ass.

GEHAYI: Actually, I can picture them feeding on Awful Ana. Like Belial, she can’t get out of her own way.

Grey mentions that the paintings that Ana is looking at are by a local artist named Trouton. Now, there is an artist named Trouton who has done a lot of work in Canada and Washington—Lycia Trouton. What the author didn’t realize was that Lycia Trouton, who has worked in bog oak, bronze and—surprisingly—embroidered linen, is a SCULPTOR.

KET: So this is either really lazy research, or the author pulled a name out of her ass and didn’t realize there was a real artist wit the name.

GEHAYI: I can’t actually find anything that says she did any research for this book. I’m going with “name of an artist she heard about but didn’t bother to research.”

KET: Yeah, that’s the most likely.

GEHAYI: Ana spends six paragraphs setting up her disc recorder and then asking Grey if he minds if she uses it. We also finally learn what the interview is for. It’s going to be in the graduation issue of the college newspaper, because Grey is going to be handing out the degrees. All of them, apparently.

Oh, and remember a few minutes ago when she said he was about thirty? Now he’s twenty-eight.

KET: I think the author is mixing up high school graduation with college degrees.

GEHAYI: So do I. Another instance of the British author needing an American picker. She doesn’t seem to have any concept of how college graduation ceremonies work in America.

KET: No, no, she doesn’t.

GEHAYI: Ana then asks the first question: “To what do you owe your success?” He looks disappointed that she’s asking this, which I’m sure is an act. This gives Grey an excuse to blather about himself for a few paragraphs, after all.

Let’s take this line by line, shall we?

Business is all about people, Miss Steele, and I’m very good at judging people.

KET: Just not good at talking to them.

GEHAYI: Oh, he can talk to people as if they are things or robots that need instructions to function perfectly. He just hasn’t mastered talking to people as if they are human.

I know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what doesn’t, what inspires them, and how to incentivize them.

GEHAYI: But not how to use the English language, as there is a perfectly good word for what you mean: “motivate.” The sentence does not require a neologism.

KET: But then he wouldn’t look smart.

GEHAYI: This man couldn’t look smart next to Bella. Pretentious and arrogant, yes. Intelligent, no.

I employ an exceptional team, and I reward them well.

KET: (Grey): With my dick.

GEHAYI: (Grey): And my riding crop.

KET: (Grey): At the same time.

GEHAYI: Do you suppose he ever gets them mixed up?

KET: He starts whacking away at some poor underling with his penis, leaving mushroom-shaped bruises for days…

GEHAYI: Do you think it’s big enough to leave a bruise? This guy is overcompensation personified.

KET: Maybe like a spaghetti strand with a mushroom cap.

My belief is to achieve success in any scheme one has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail.

KET: Subtle! Did you catch it, Gehayi? Did you catch the BDSM reference? I know it’s subtle.

GEHAYI: Yes, fully as subtle as anything that Meyer or Fitzpatrick has ever done. Incidentally, isn’t that called micromanaging? And isn’t that generally considered a BAD idea in business? The kind of thing that causes problems?

KET: It’s also time-consuming. How can you get your own work done when you’re too busy breathing down your employees’ necks? As a manager, I gotta say, I hate that shit; I’d rather have an employee to whom I can give tasks and trust to do her job well.

I work hard, very hard to do that. I make decisions based on logic and facts.

KET: As opposed to the position of the stars and the direction of your cheese.

GEHAYI: So you’re going to intimidate, humiliate and stalk this girl based on logic, not on lust or your sick desire to bully and abuse women and call the abuse BDSM. You know, I don’t recall Mister Spock or Data supporting such behavior.

KET: Gehayi, my blood pressure is already shooting up.

GEHAYI: You have my sympathy, believe me.

I have a natural gut instinct that can spot and nurture a good solid idea and good people.

KET: *cough* Bullshit.

GEHAYI: Um…Suethor? Logic and instinct =/= the same.

The bottom line is, it’s always down to good people.

KET: Which you can spot from two miles away like a sniper.

GEHAYI: And didn’t he just claim to be responsible for all good ideas, for inspiring and motivating his people, for rewarding them, and for micromanaging them because he doesn’t trust them to do their jobs well? He’s pretty much taken credit for everything good that they do and claimed that they wouldn’t do any of it without him.

KET: He has the Holy Penis of God. When he sticks it in ya, you become good enough to work for him!

GEHAYI: I think you have a point. His employees are certainly screwed.

Ana feels, correctly, that he is being arrogant and says that maybe he’s just been lucky. This pisses off Grey, who says that he doesn’t believe in luck or chance, and that the harder he works, the luckier he is. Hard-working people NEVER go bankrupt, lose their jobs or homes, or suffer catastrophic illness, y’know. It’s all down to hard work. If you’re unlucky, it’s all your own fault. You should have worked harder!

Can you say, “victim blaming”?

Oh, and he also says that it’s all down to having the right people and “directing their energies accordingly.” Because they couldn’t figure out how to direct their energies themselves. Of course not. They’re just stupid employees who don’t work hard enough; if they did, wouldn’t THEY own the company?

KET: Does that mean that really lazy people have their limited energies directed towards…I dunno, filing or something?

GEHAYI: Probably. Oh, and he also quotes Harvey Firestone: “The growth and development of people is the highest calling of leadership…

KET: Oh, please. You don’t care about anyone but yourself, you wanker.

GEHAYI: Firestone also said that fundamental honesty was a keystone of business. This creep is NEVER honest. He is manipulative, controlling and sometimes threatening.

KET: And beyond that, he is just assy.

GEHAYI: I do think that that is the perfect description.

Ana tells him bluntly that he is a control freak. He smarms back that he exercises control in ALL things. I think that he’s trying to flirt, but Ana knows nothing of this thing called sex or that the Internet is for porn, so she’s just unnerved. Attracted, but unnerved. I think that this is the sanest she is in the entire book.

KET: Enjoy it; it doesn’t last long.

“Besides, immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things,” he continues, his voice soft.

KET: Fucking what?

GEHAYI: If you think you can control things, you can? Great. I’m going to start thinking that I can control this Suethor and will her to drop dead.

KET: *puts fingers to temples* Gehayi. I think I can make you bring me a cheese pizza.

GEHAYI: Sure, why not? You’re not in my state, but— *sings* “I believe I can fly!”

On a more serious note, I hate this “if you can think it, you can do it” thing, because it gets thrown at women (in terms of beauty) and disabled people (in terms of overcoming handicaps) ALL THE TIME. And I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work like that. Yes, confidence and determination can overcome a lot. Both got me walking again. Neither can make me break the one-minute mile.

KET: No. Thinking is not doing. This is why I hate "magic/prayer will do things for you." No. Magic or prayer will help. You need to do the work yourself.

GEHAYI: And it’s a way of blaming people, too. You’re not rich? You’re not powerful? Well, you’ve no one to blame but yourself! If you just thought positively… Oh, and also, if you tell yourself that you were born to control things, you gain power!

KET: Screw gaining power through hard work; it’s all about birth, like in the times of sovereignty!

GEHAYI: This guy would have loved living in the era when kings ruled by divine right. Well, if he were a king, he would have loved it. Being a peasant, not so much.

KET: Of course he wouldn’t be a peasant. How dare you doubt his birthright.

GEHAYI: I’m Scottish. We even rebelled against our own kings, let alone the foreign by-divine-right guys.

KET: …my ancestors were royalty. I’m afraid we’re going to have to fight to the death now. *draws spatula*

GEHAYI: *wields the Orthopedic Cane of Ordinariness*



Several fencing matches later…



GEHAYI: The creep then boasts that…oh, well, just take a look.

“I employ over forty thousand people, Miss Steele. That gives me a certain sense of responsibility – power, if you will. If I were to decide I was no longer interested in the telecommunications business and sell up, twenty thousand people would struggle to make their mortgage payments after a month or so.”

KET: So, you employee forty thousand people and you oversee it all. No board, nothing. Seriously? And besides that, if you sold up, the new company would just employ them. Do you have any idea how many people forty thousand is? The town I grew up in had less than that!

GEHAYI: He is totally getting off on the idea that people would go broke without him, too.

KET: Of course. More control issues.

GEHAYI: And I just looked up something about corporations in Washington state. ONE company is named as employing that many workers. Microsoft employs 93,000 workers in Redmond, its corporate headquarters, and about 40,000 workers in Puget Sound.

KET: I doubt this prick’s company can compare to Microsoft. I mean, come on. MICROSOFT.

GEHAYI: To put that in perspective: “Some 950 biotechnology companies operate in the state, employing some 28,000 workers.” Nine hundred and fifty companies have 28,000 workers TOTAL.

KET: If this was four thousand people, rather than forty thousand, I would have let it slide.

GEHAYI: But instead, it’s just another fuckup. So Ana asked the question that you asked earlier…doesn’t he have a board to answer to?

“I own my company. I don’t have to answer to a board.” He raises an eyebrow at me.

KET: That’s…that’s not how it works with such a large company.

GEHAYI: To quote from Investopedia: “A corporation is created (incorporated) by a group of shareholders who have ownership of the corporation, represented by their holding of common stock. Shareholders elect a board of directors (generally receiving one vote per share) who appoint and oversee management of the corporation.”

YOUR COMPANY IS INCORPORATED. ERGO, IT IS A CORPORATION. THAT MEANS YOU HAVE A BOARD. IT’S A REQUIREMENT.

KET: Is the company incorporated, did he ever say that? What is the name of the company?

GEHAYI: The name of the company is Grey Holdings Enterprises Inc.

KET: Then this is another case of Not Doing The Research. And here’s another point: A 40K-strong employee company would be massive. It would be insane to think one man could handle every decision on his own.

GEHAYI: Not in practical terms, he couldn’t. This guy is so Objectivist it’s not funny.

KET: Also, just in terms of the character, I so love how he raises an eyebrow at her for daring imply he answer to anybody, because he’s CHRISTIAN GREY, MOTHERFUCKER, and didn’t he just tell you that he was literally born to control fucking everything?

GEHAYI: So Ana blushes when he makes his proclamation that he doesn’t have to answer to a board, feeling that she would know this if she had researched—not realizing that she is more knowledgeable than this asshole.

KET: And the author.

GEHAYI: She then asks if he has any interests other than his business.

“I have varied interests, Miss Steele.” A ghost of a smile touches his lips. “Very varied.”

GEHAYI: And he’s staring at her and grinning. Ana, again, does not get it. A five-year-old would know he was making a pass, but she doesn’t.

KET: Which makes her seem a bit mentally challenged.

GEHAYI: Or insanely naive. Also, he smiles and she stops breathing. O HAI THAR, BELLA.

KET: I’ve never stopped breathing because someone smiled at me. Am I just not romantic?

GEHAYI: I don’t know. I’m sure that someone has done it—this is the Internet. I think, though, that it’s romance novel shorthand for, “This is true love. I cannot control it, I am being swept away.” Apparently, love turns your brain into an amoeba, so that automatic functions…don’t.

KET: *scratches head* I know that love makes you stupid, but it shouldn’t make you lose control of your bodily processes.

GEHAYI: Also, the implication of the trope seems to be that if the woman COULD control herself and COULD think, that would be a bad thing.

After some pointless banter which is probably intended to be funny, Grey reveals that he flies and sails and “indulges in various physical pursuits.” I’m pretty sure that sex does not count as a hobby. He also tells Ana that he’s very rich—because she didn’t know that already—and that his hobbies are “expensive and absorbing.

KET: Which means that the author couldn’t be assed to think of hobbies for him.

GEHAYI: “HI. I AM FILTHY RICH. DID YOU KNOW THAT? BECAUSE I AM. AND MY HOBBIES ARE EXPENSIVE. BECAUSE I AM RICH. DID I TELL YOU THAT I’M RICH?”

So. Very. Wardo.

KET: That will show even more later, but we’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.

GEHAYI: Ana then asks him why he is in manufacturing. He says…well, it makes no sense.

“I like to build things. I like to know how things work: what makes things tick, how to construct and deconstruct. And I have a love of ships. What can I say?”

KET: But he owns a telecommunications company.

GEHAYI: Oh, not JUST a telecommunications company. We’ll get to that, and soon. In the meantime, though, I’d like to know what being a CEO of a corporation has to do with making things, sailing, and taking things apart.

KET: You know, considering how much of a creeper this guy is, everything he’s said with regards to control, and his obvious sexual passes at her, the idea that one of his hobbies is taking things apart really…yeah. He wants to live inside Ana’s skin.

GEHAYI: He also informs Ana that the people who know him well say that he has no heart. He appears to be proud of this.

KET: *digs out knife* Let’s find out if that’s true, shall we?

GEHAYI: *retrieves battle axe from shelf she put it on after her Protectors of the Plot Continuum days* I’ll cut his head off, you cut his heart out, okay?

KET: And then we’ll put his head on a pike!

BOTH: *pause and smile blissfully, envisioning this*

GEHAYI: *sighing* But alas, this does not happen in the book. Instead, there is more blathering. Ana asks him about his friends. He stalls on that question. I guess he doesn’t want to admit that he doesn’t have any. Also, his telecommunications-manufacturing corporation invests in farming techniques as well. He’s interested in feeding the world’s poor.

KET: Of course he is. What a saint.

GEHAYI: No, I can see why he would like that. Whether or not people eat is all down to him. And he can stop it any time he wants to.

KET: He actually has some sort of trauma related to it, and it comes up later, I know that much. I’m sure the reveal as to why will be ~thrilling~.

GEHAYI: My reason sounds more probable than the canonical one.

KET: I actually don’t know what the canonical one is yet, but you’re probably right.

GEHAYI: Ana then asks him what his philosophy is. Want to take this one, Ket?

“I don’t have a philosophy as such. Maybe a guiding principle – Carnegie’s: ‘A man who acquires the ability to take full possession of his own mind may take possession of anything else to which he is justly entitled.’ I’m very singular, driven. I like control – of myself and those around me.”

KET: I think this was the first time that I involuntarily made a fist while reading this chapter (though not the last). Do you not understand what justly entitled means, you fucking ass-sucker? It doesn’t mean you have the right to control everyone around you.

GEHAYI: But since he’s interpreting “justly entitled” as “it’s mine if I can take it,” I don’t think he cares.

KET: I don’t think he does either. It makes the quote so fucking creepy.

GEHAYI: Ana is getting very embarrassed and very freaked out, and she just wants the interview to end already.

KET: Which is such a good sign for your future relationship.

GEHAYI: She goes on to the next batch of questions, which are all personal. How much did being adopted affect you? How old were you when you were adopted? Have you had to sacrifice family life for work? Are you gay? “I should very well say so, old fruit!

The last one is the one that he doesn’t deflect. This is when he gets VERY angry, because how dare a woman think that he is gay? What a nice little dollop of prejudice to add on top of the implied racism we’ve already gotten!

KET: God forbid he’s gay, after all. Better close your mouth, Grey—that’s one of the ways the Gay gets inside of you!

GEHAYI: You know, I think I just found a nickname for him. What do you think of Gaston?

KET: Oh, I like that. And it fits.

GEHAYI: Thank you.

Gaston then starts interrogating Ana. Aren’t these your questions? Are you a colleague of Kate Kavanagh? Did you volunteer to do this?

KET: Which is so unbelievably harassing and unprofessional that if she had a brain in her skull she would have ended the interview right then.

GEHAYI: Also, he seems to have forgotten that the disc recorder is recording his words and tone. She’d have a great case. Really, he sounds as if he believes that Ana was deliberately sent to trap him into admitting that he’s as queer as a three-pound note.

KET: HEAVENS ABOVE, ACCUSED OF BEIN’ GAY. LORDY, I MAY GET THE VAPORS!

GEHAYI: Once he finds out that Kate is her roommate and is sick, he switches tactics. He wants to know ALL about Ana. For example, what’s she doing after she graduates. His company has a great internship program. Would she be interested in that? OH NO, HE IS NOT BRIBING HER NOT TO SAY HE IS GAY AT ALL.

KET: What good would an English Lit major do him as an intern anyway? I could see if she were, say, business or office admin or…anything even remotely related.

GEHAYI: But if he gives her a job, then he has power over her and could probably get her in trouble for spreading undesirable rumors.

KET: Or, if he’s that rich, he can buy her off without offering her a job.

GEHAYI: Oh, obviously. And he tries to, later. Anyway, Ana says that she doesn’t think she’d fit in, because she is being Bella-ish and is very conscious of being clumsy, scruffy and brunette. Grey does NOT get why she keeps saying no. BECAUSE YOU CREEP HER OUT.

KET: YOU ALSO CREEP US OUT. BECAUSE YOU’RE A CREEP.

GEHAYI: Then he offers to show her around. That’s NEVER a good idea in fiction. If a rich bastard offers to show you around his company, he’ll end up shoving you off of a catwalk into a vat of toxic waste. After that, it’s all over but the funeral or your new career as a grotesque supervillain.

KET: Either push you into toxic waste, or shove you out a window, a la Batman Returns. Either way, it’s about time you start thinking of an alias.

GEHAYI: Anyway, Ana frustrates that I-do-not-know-what by saying that she has a long drive home and that she’s sure he’s far too busy. You just KNOW that Gaston is standing there, wondering why his attempts to charm her aren’t working.

KET: Sadly, it’s not because our heroine has Belle’s wit.

GEHAYI: No. In a way, she has more in common with Nora Gray from Hush, Hush. She admits that Gaston is handsome—but he also unsettles and embarrasses her, and she wants to get away.

KET: If someone unsettles and embarrasses you, it’s a good sign to walk away. There is a reason why you are having those feelings.

GEHAYI: So she’s finally ready to leave, and he holds out his hand for her to shake. She doesn’t take it until he says, “Until we meet again, Miss Steele.” Which SHE says sounds like a challenge or a threat.

KET: STALKER. Seriously, I half-expected him to laugh evilly while lightning strikes outside the window and thunder crashes.

GEHAYI: So she shakes his hand to get the fuck out of there and gets another shock of static electricity, though this time she is sure that it’s just her nerves.

KET: Or Gaston here has a wool carpet.

GEHAYI: And once she decides to leave, he doesn’t just let her go. Oh, no.

Olivia leaps up and retrieves my jacket, which Grey takes from her before she can hand it to me. He holds it up and, feeling ridiculously self-conscious, I shrug it on. Grey places his hands for a moment on my shoulders. I gasp at the contact. If he notices my reaction, he gives nothing away.

GEHAYI: I’d be gasping, too. NOT for romantic reasons. I don’t like having my shoulders touched.

KET: I do, but I don’t like strange people—especially strange men—grabbing me. It’s an invitation for an elbow in the groin.

GEHAYI: Nod nod. And it’s a good way of forcing you to not move too much.

And then he follows her out to the elevator. Can you believe this?

His long index finger presses the button summoning the elevator, and we stand waiting – awkwardly on my part, coolly self-possessed on his. The doors open, and I hurry in desperate to escape. I really need to get out of here. When I turn to look at him, he’s leaning against the doorway beside the elevator with one hand on the wall. He really is very, very good-looking. It’s distracting. His burning gray eyes gaze at me.

KET: Oh, kill me.

GEHAYI: “I HURRY IN, DESPERATE TO ESCAPE. I REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.”

KET: “BUT HE IS SO GOOD-LOOKING, REALLY. SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCT, WHAT’S THAT?”

GEHAYI: MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIS LOOKS. You can’t look at good-looking people when you’re dead.

KET: Ah, but she doesn’t care about that—he’s the only person she’s ever found attractive, remember?

GEHAYI: You know, she strikes me as an asexual who’s trying to convince herself that she’s just a late bloomer and that look, she thinks he’s handsome, see how normal she is, see how typical she is, SEE?

KET: That would have made a more interesting story. Unfortunately, I think the point here is to show how special and amazing this man—and their later relationship—is.

GEHAYI: If “special and amazing” mean “creepy and controlling,” that would fit.

KET: I beginning to doubt your commitment to the creepymotion.

GEHAYI: I wouldn’t mind his commitment—provided it was involuntary.

KET: Heh.

GEHAYI: And…final thoughts.

KET: Oh, we are off to a ripping good start.

GEHAYI: This is worse than I thought it would be. I was expecting dullness. I was expecting pretentiousness and mediocrity. I did not think it would be anywhere near as hateful as it was, or that I would come to loathe both leads in one chapter.

KET: And it only gets so much worse.

GEHAYI: Gaston really should be the antagonist, not the romantic lead. He would be a perfectly good villain in a woman-in-jeopardy film. This guy is fucking EVIL. And he’s being marketed as someone worth loving. And it would be nice if Ana could improve, or at least become less mediocre, over time.

KET: If she kicks his ass later in the book, it will become good.

GEHAYI: There need to be spitefics. There need to be many, many spitefics.

KET: I’m picturing my own. It has no substance, though. It’s really just me destroying him.

GEHAYI: That is a nice picture. I like that picture.



Dedication | Table of Contents | Chapter 2

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[User Picture]
From:illyriasacolyte
Date:April 7th, 2012 03:35 am (UTC)
(Link)
Oh Jesus. Anastasia Steele? It sounds like she's a princess who does porn on the side. While Miss Beautiful Swan will always be the ultimate Sue name, this is definitely trying to compete. And the dude's name is Christian Grey? Oh my god, this is such a porno!

I hate writing in present tense (like a LOT; I know I can't use it) but I'm not averse to reading in it. Hunger Games, for example, uses it to great effect (most of the time).

Don't people tend to look down on this Social Darwinism stuff nowadays? Hasn't it fallen out of favor yet? Didn't that happen when like, the Victorian era ended?

Hell, I’d even take Wikipedia at this point, and it’s regarded as the root of all evil when it comes to genuine research and writing!
Not anymore it isn't. While it still isn't a credible source for most colleges, many high school teachers will look the other way. Most who don't will still suggest it as a way to find other, more reputable sources. It's not the fount of information people like to think it is, but its not the Devil anymore either.

She alternates between not using them at all and jamming multiple words together
So what you're saying is that her editor was solely for decorative purposes. And seriously? She did it for African American? This woman is a troll, isn't she? She is dear god tell me she is she has to be a troll.

Edited at 2012-04-07 03:37 am (UTC)
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 7th, 2012 03:54 am (UTC)
(Link)
I don't think she actually HAD an editor for The Writer's Coffee Shop version, and that's the version we're using. The Alfred P. Knopf version, sadly, isn't searchable at Amazon; I've already looked. So I can't tell you if the material is comparable or not. (Though at least one person who says she's seen both claims that they're virtually identical.)

And yes, seriously, she did it for African-American.

Anastasia Steele? It sounds like she's a princess who does porn on the side.

Not to mention that if you read it last name first, first name last, her name becomes an instruction: "Steal Anastasia."

Present tense can be done to good effect. I prefer narrative past for longer works, but I've written in present tense for short stories and poetry. And yes, The Hunger Games used present tense well, as a rule. This book, however, does not use it well. AT ALL.

Don't people tend to look down on this Social Darwinism stuff nowadays? Hasn't it fallen out of favor yet? Didn't that happen when like, the Victorian era ended?

I think that this is what happens when a Twihard has to make a character seem superior to all humans in a world where vampires don't exist. For the premise to work, Gaston has to be superior to everyone so that he can recognize the sheer glory that is Not-Bella; otherwise, he's just a pretentious prick and Ana is an idiot for not spotting this.
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:rebelatnight
Date:April 7th, 2012 04:06 am (UTC)
(Link)
I heard about this 'work' and I'll admit that published fanfiction is one of my Berserk Buttons. Not really sure as to why, but I hate the concept (even if it's a legally grey *snerk* area).

So when I heard that this existed, my first thought was 'Man, this is going to be worse than Twilight'

Good luck! Can't wait to see the rest of the sporking!
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 7th, 2012 04:29 am (UTC)
(Link)
I don't mind published fanfiction--authors have been doing that since a Roman named Publius Vergilius Maro wrote a long poem about a minor character from Homer's Iliad called Aeneas--but I DO demand that the author bring something new to the table and not just re-hash someone else's work. This is a re-hash. It is a regurgitation of a re-hash. There is nothing new here at all.

And yes. This is at least as bad as Twilight. I can say that, and we're barely five chapters in.
[User Picture]
From:lilypeters
Date:April 7th, 2012 04:24 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thomas Hardy

...But I thought Hardy was very, very critical of behavior the Suethor is showing as romantic in the book! Grey sounds like Alec from Tess of the D'Urbervilles as well, if you ask me, and Alec was a creepy stalker too. Hardy, as narrator, clearly did not condone his behavior. (I'm a huge Hardy fan.) That's what Tess of the D'Urbervilles was all about--how sexual double standards hurt women!

...Sorry for the rant.

~Lily~
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 7th, 2012 04:34 am (UTC)
(Link)
...But I thought Hardy was very, very critical of behavior the Suethor is showing as romantic in the book! Grey sounds like Alec from Tess of the D'Urbervilles as well, if you ask me, and Alec was a creepy stalker too. Hardy, as narrator, clearly did not condone his behavior.

I know. I know. But the Suethor does not seem to comprehend what loving behavior actually is. Ana becomes annoyed when people are kind or sympathetic; conversely, when Not-Wardo chews her out, she feels as if she's getting what she deserves.

And, like Meyer, she doesn't understand when authors are portraying things that aren't romantic. Hold onto your rant about Tess. You're going to need to rant in a few chapters. BELIEVE me.


[User Picture]
From:mancalledtrue
Date:April 7th, 2012 04:36 am (UTC)
(Link)
For the record, the book I'm writing right now is written in the present tense. I don't appreciate hearing it dismissed out of hand. The Sandman Slim books by Richard Kadrey are written in the present tense and beat this book until it squeals like a pig.

Other than that, however, I must agree with you - this is the sort of scum that makes it clear Twilight's impact on our culture is uniformly negative.
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 7th, 2012 04:49 am (UTC)
(Link)
As I said, although I prefer the narrative past for long stories, present tense can be done with excellent effect. This book, however, does not handle present tense well. The author doesn't seem to realize that she can refer to things that happened in the past by using past tense verbs. She doesn't seem to realize that she doesn't have to mention every little thing that happens in the present, either. The present tense is not being used well here. (But then, very little is.)

And I'm afraid I've never heard of the Sandman Slim books. What are they about? If they're good, I'll put them on reserve at the library.
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[User Picture]
From:quicksilvermad
Date:April 7th, 2012 04:40 am (UTC)
(Link)
KET: She should know better, working in retail. Customer service breaks you. You smile politely all the time. Even when you’re not at work. It’s not necessarily real; it’s just present.

You also develop a weird way of answering the phone with the exact same intonation and creepy cheerful voice every single time. Sometimes I will still answer the phone ready to spout off something like: "This is Suncoast located in the Potomac Mills Mall, how can I help you today?" or "C & W Used Books, Woodbridge, how can I help?" OR "This is Macy's of Manassas, jewelry department, how can I assist you today?"

Every. Time.

I worked all three of those jobs during the holiday season. Macy's was the worst.

KET: Richard Cranium.

This is right up there with the "Nostrildamus" thing someone wrote in a fix to describe Dale, the all-seeing-eye of the Walking Dead fandom.

He’s tall, dressed in a fine gray suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly dark copper colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes that regard me shrewdly.

Is it just me, or does that sentence lead you to believe that his tie has "unruly dark copper[-]colored hair?" "He's tall and dressed in a fine grey suit with a white shirt and black tie. His hair was blah blah blah blah." Fixed it. Whatever.

On a more serious note, I hate this “if you can think it, you can do it” thing

I once had a "friend" tell me that I should stop taking my depression medication and just "stop being sad." It was something that she often told me and it never mattered how many times I explained that depression isn't sadness, it's depression or how many times I told her that you can't think your way out of feeling like you're nothing just by telling yourself otherwise. Or how I should just pray and "let God handle it." My mom got one of the worst ones once: "if you're depressed, that means you're not a good enough Christian. You need to pray for yourself."

Bullshit.

“I own my company. I don’t have to answer to a board.” He raises an eyebrow at me.

IF TONY STARK HAS TO ANSWER TO HIS BOARD OF DIRECTORS, THEN YOU DO, TOO. And Tony Stark is freaking Iron Man, so there.

KET: And then we’ll put his head on a pike!

Oh, man, the Lannisters would eat this douche alive… I'd love to see Tyrion verbally trounce him and hand him over to Jaime for the beheading part.

I’m very singular, driven. I like control – of myself and those around me.

Okay, so this right here is a prime example of a narcissistic personality disorder. In just what I've read about this character so far, he meets quite a few points on Hare's Psychopathy Checklist.

And in reading that last bit, he meets quite a few more.

Our purported protagonist is a psychopath.

I'm going to enjoy reading this—if anything it will be nice to be angry at something besides current events.
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 7th, 2012 05:08 am (UTC)
(Link)
I once had a "friend" tell me that I should stop taking my depression medication and just "stop being sad." It was something that she often told me and it never mattered how many times I explained that depression isn't sadness, it's depression or how many times I told her that you can't think your way out of feeling like you're nothing just by telling yourself otherwise.

Telling a depressive to stop taking her depression meds and just be happy is like telling a person with a broken leg that the best way to heal it is to run the Boston Marathon--without crutches, cane or cast.

Is it just me, or does that sentence lead you to believe that his tie has "unruly dark copper[-]colored hair?"

It's not just you. I can't believe I missed that, either.

IF TONY STARK HAS TO ANSWER TO HIS BOARD OF DIRECTORS, THEN YOU DO, TOO. And Tony Stark is freaking Iron Man, so there.

Pepper Potts needs to stride into Gaston's office and give him the chewing out of his life. (Hey, she yells at Tony. Frequently.) And then Tyrion Lannister can verbally eviscerate what's left. And Sansa Stark can shove him out of a window, since Sandor Clegane isn't here to stop her this time.

Our purported protagonist is a psychopath.

Oh, yes. We developed a count for this. You'll see it in a chapter or two.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) - Expand
[User Picture]
From:carakasla
Date:April 7th, 2012 06:13 am (UTC)
(Link)
KET: If something takes too much research for you, don’t write it. That’s why I don’t write historical fantasy like I want to. The amount of research needed makes my head spin, and I know I would end up getting a piece of clothing or something wrong, and people would kill me.

Maybe I'm a fairly lenient reader, but if I'm reading a historical fantasy and the writer got a piece of clothing wrong, I would brush it off, moreso if everything else was correct. If you got something easily check able and fairly large correct, then I'm not going to care that you mention powdered wigs when they went out of style a couple of decades before.

That said, for crying out loud, the suthor couldn't even check freaking mainstream MOVIES for how a college graduation works?! Sure, it's not perfect, Hollywood is known to fuck up the simplest things, but even that is better than going 'meh, I'm too lazy to research so I'm going off on a whim'.
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 7th, 2012 05:20 pm (UTC)
(Link)
That said, for crying out loud, the suthor couldn't even check freaking mainstream MOVIES for how a college graduation works?! Sure, it's not perfect, Hollywood is known to fuck up the simplest things, but even that is better than going 'meh, I'm too lazy to research so I'm going off on a whim'.

I agree, but she seems determined to emulate Meyer the Allergic to Research. By Chapter 4, we had to add a Did Not Do The Research count, because this was happening regularly.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) - Expand
[User Picture]
From:chibi_regalli
Date:April 7th, 2012 06:36 am (UTC)
(Link)
Yeaaah, if there was an interview THAT big and the person got sick, the paper would send another student to do that. They wouldn't just grab a random person.

Also, my mom's in college admin, and her office LOATHES it when the school paper wants to interview one of them, because they tend to be ridiculously antagonistic. My school paper's a lot less so, mind you, but my point is that if you're in a position where you'd be interviewed a lot (like, say, a CEO), especially by students looking for a story (like a CEO who's also a big donor for a college), you DON'T say that stuff, that's just ASKING for them to paint you in a negative light.

Gah. This is our romantic lead? He's an arrogant asshole, for starters!

Poor blondes. Poor, poor blondes. You guys don't deserve this.
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 7th, 2012 05:30 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Also, my mom's in college admin, and her office LOATHES it when the school paper wants to interview one of them, because they tend to be ridiculously antagonistic. My school paper's a lot less so, mind you, but my point is that if you're in a position where you'd be interviewed a lot (like, say, a CEO), especially by students looking for a story (like a CEO who's also a big donor for a college), you DON'T say that stuff, that's just ASKING for them to paint you in a negative light.

I didn't know any of that, but it makes a great deal of sense. And it makes Not-Wardo look like even more of an idiot.

Poor blondes. Poor, poor blondes. You guys don't deserve this.

They don't. And they come in for a lot of hatred in this book, as do beautiful women. The misogyny is painful.
[User Picture]
From:ianxfalcon
Date:April 7th, 2012 10:41 am (UTC)
(Link)
My God. When Grey explained his philosophy, all I could think about was this:

"Do you want to have control of your life? You have that power...you just have to learn how to use it. You can make up all the excuses you want; you're too tired....too old, too fat...too stupid! You know, I've heard them all. But if you want something...TAKE IT! You want that job? Well then TAKE IT! It's entirely up to you."

And you know what? When the supposed hero of a story makes you think of Jordan fucking Chase, something is really, really, REALLY wrong.

*hides under cover, weeping*

Edited at 2012-04-07 10:52 am (UTC)
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 7th, 2012 03:38 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I didn't know who Jordan Chase was...besides a loathsome swine who needs a good punch in the nose.

Then I found this on the Dexter Wiki:

[Jordan Chase] is the author of "Take It Now[,]" a motivational book and audio cassette that has gained him immense fame across the world.

He is [also] the founding member of The Group, a five-man organization that kidnapped, tortured, raped and killed various women during its existence.


And you're right. Grey has a lot of serial killer moments. A LOT.
[User Picture]
From:taekarado
Date:April 7th, 2012 11:19 am (UTC)
(Link)
my girlfriends nickname is ana. i am glad as hell that the only thing my ana has in common with this ana is low self esteem...and even then, my ana doesnt try to cover it up under cattiness and blank slateness.

good luck, ladies. youre gonna need it, i can tell.
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 7th, 2012 04:06 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you. I think we're gonna need plenty of luck.

Who is the My Little Pony in your icon?
[User Picture]
From:xxburningsoulxx
Date:April 7th, 2012 12:26 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Bleh. I can already tell it's gonna suck from here. Other than that, hope the booze works. XD Ya'll gonna need it.
One thing,though: Are ya'll sure that Grey isn't the other antagonist? I'm getting "creepy bald-headed villian with a white cat by his side" image.
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 7th, 2012 04:13 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Well, WE think that he'd make a wonderful antagonist, but unfortunately the Suethor doesn't agree. And she doesn't actually try to make this bloodworm's personality appealing, because she thinks that he's the most sexy and irresistible character ever. And lust trumps love in this thing. Every single time.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) - Expand
From:kermit_thefrog
Date:April 7th, 2012 03:38 pm (UTC)
(Link)
So all I have to do to become a best-selling author is write out all my most lurid, X-rated fantasies and get it published?

And on the way, forget everything I know about feminism and pretend that being dominated by a man is Every Woman's Dream?

....Well, looks like I'll never be a best-selling author this decade! AND I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

This kind of thing makes me lose faith in readers and have many uncharitable thoughts about the author herself....but it also gives me ideas about what kind of book I really *would* like to read and write. I'd love to see more themes like Intelligent, Self-Sufficient Female Protagonist meets Intelligent, Kind, Going Through a Rough Time Male Protagonist, and they work together to help each other out and change their society for the better.

Heck, ANYONE could write that without turning either character into a douchenozzle or a doormat.

But if Douchenozzle and Doormat are the new Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet....then God help us all.





Edited at 2012-04-07 03:41 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 7th, 2012 04:03 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Keep in mind that we're sporking the shitty stuff that sells. Good stuff sells, too. You might want to check out seanan_mcguire's post on inclusiveness in literature--a LOT of recommendations for good books came up in the comments. (And yes, she's that Seanan McGuire--the one who also writes the Newsflesh series as Mira Grant.

I honestly think that the only reason that Shades got any attention from the media is that the press releases about it emphasize the BDSM aspect. This appeared to stun a lot of reviewers and reporters who, it seems, spend no time on the Internet and who therefore were unaware that women read anything with sex in it. (No, really, I'm serious.)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) - Expand
[User Picture]
From:sttq
Date:April 7th, 2012 05:11 pm (UTC)
(Link)
...
You'd think that, after all the impossible crap we get in Twilight and its sequels, I'd be used to it, but I still can't get over how such massive research fail can get past an editor's or editors' radar. I don't care if it's a tiny little publishing company, this have no pardon.

You know, if this story was actually meant as an intentionally freaky and creepy exploration into the mind of a man with a superiority complex so gigantic that he really believed that he was justified in saying no one could function without him, who was constitutionally incapable of getting intimate with someone in a way that did not involve physical and mental abuse of the serious kind, and then found himself the perfect victim, who actually craved that abuse, and if all this was portrayed as Patently Not Healthy... then I'd respect it. And read the Hell out of it. As it stands, however... Well. Well.

And this is only the first chapter out of twenty-eight. I shudder to think of how this will evolve.

Another thing I tripped over: if this dude micro-manages the fuck out of forty thousand people non-stop - a laughable idea in itself - how does he find time for hobbies that are "absorbing"? How can he find the time to "find out how things work"? How come he can just leave his office to give a random college student the run of a twenty-story building? Wouldn't those things be a serious drain on his time? Conclusion: he is totally lying. He really has a whole slew of underlings who keep tabs on everything for him, but he's saying it's a one-man show just to further impress on his (moronic) intended victim how awesome he is. OH THAT'S RIGHT I'M ON TO YOU, GASTON.
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 7th, 2012 10:22 pm (UTC)
(Link)
You know, if this story was actually meant as an intentionally freaky and creepy exploration into the mind of a man with a superiority complex so gigantic that he really believed that he was justified in saying no one could function without him, who was constitutionally incapable of getting intimate with someone in a way that did not involve physical and mental abuse of the serious kind, and then found himself the perfect victim, who actually craved that abuse, and if all this was portrayed as Patently Not Healthy... then I'd respect it. And read the Hell out of it.

Yes. I know exactly what you mean. The premise could work as a psychological horror/murder mystery.

Unfortunately, the author thinks that this situation and characters are romantic. Like Meyer, she doesn't seem to grasp that she's written about a complete moron who is the type favored by an incipient serial killer.

And this is only the first chapter out of twenty-eight. I shudder to think of how this will evolve.

First out of twenty-six, so you won't have to deal with this monstrosity for quite that long.

Conclusion: he is totally lying. He really has a whole slew of underlings who keep tabs on everything for him, but he's saying it's a one-man show just to further impress on his (moronic) intended victim how awesome he is.

Hell, he already lied about his corporation not having a board of directions! So why wouldn't he also lie about how he runs his company?

I want to see Kate's article. She seems to have the modicum of a brain and doesn't even like Gaston unless the Suethor forces her to fangirl him. I bet that she rips him apart in print.
[User Picture]
From:detritius
Date:April 7th, 2012 05:28 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I hate to admit, I actually have stopped breathing when someone smiled at me. It wasn't a romantic thing, thought -- it was when I got to meet all the members of Halestorm, my favorite indie band, after a concert. I was already ridiculously excited from the concert, and then they were so cool and I was just incredibly starstuck. That was a pretty big deal for me, though. I can't imagine feeling the same way in an everyday interaction.

And wow. Gray just seems way too over-the-top to be real. I don't know why it's suddenly fashionable to write male love interests like one-episode TV villains. I don't even think it's because of Twilight -- Edward Cullen was a horrible person and a bad, bad boyfriend, but he didn't talk like he was twirling his mustache in every single scene. But Gray reads just like the cocky businessman who thinks he's untouchable until the protagonists uncover the ex-girlfriend/business rival/what have you that he had killed and drag him off to jail, and my brain still hasn't entirely accepted that no one showed up to salt and burn Patch at the end of Hush Hush. This is a disturbing trend, to say the least.
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 8th, 2012 12:43 am (UTC)
(Link)
I hate to admit, I actually have stopped breathing when someone smiled at me. It wasn't a romantic thing, thought -- it was when I got to meet all the members of Halestorm, my favorite indie band, after a concert. I was already ridiculously excited from the concert, and then they were so cool and I was just incredibly starstuck. That was a pretty big deal for me, though. I can't imagine feeling the same way in an everyday interaction.

Now, see, I could see that in a once-in-a-lifetime situation like that.

I can't imagine feeling the same way in an everyday interaction.

Neither can I . Fangirling someone that you've never heard of before, does not make sense. Neither does fangirling someone that you see every day. This just doesn't work any way that you look at it.

I don't know why it's suddenly fashionable to write male love interests like one-episode TV villains. I don't even think it's because of Twilight -- Edward Cullen was a horrible person and a bad, bad boyfriend, but he didn't talk like he was twirling his mustache in every single scene. But Gray reads just like the cocky businessman who thinks he's untouchable until the protagonists uncover the ex-girlfriend/business rival/what have you that he had killed and drag him off to jail, and my brain still hasn't entirely accepted that no one showed up to salt and burn Patch at the end of Hush Hush. This is a disturbing trend, to say the least.

I couldn't agree with you more. And I really wish that I knew what was causing this trend so that I could fight it more effectively.

(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
From:lollapalooza108
Date:April 7th, 2012 07:51 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Ohhhh boy.

Quick! Somebody get this author a copy of American Psycho, STAT!

If Christian Dick Grey starts ranting about Whitney Houston I will eat my shoes.

Hoooly shit. Great, now I can't get the image of Christian Bale running after Ana with a chainsaw. SERIOUSLY.

Also, WHITE PEOPLE.

:/
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 8th, 2012 12:51 am (UTC)
(Link)
Hoooly shit. Great, now I can't get the image of Christian Bale running after Ana with a chainsaw. SERIOUSLY.

Sadly, that will probably not happen, as it would be both cathartic and interesting.

Also, WHITE PEOPLE.

:/


I KNOW. I KNOW. IT FAILS SO HARD.

[User Picture]
From:sashocirrione
Date:April 7th, 2012 09:55 pm (UTC)
(Link)
A "solid sandstone desk"? What is this, The Flintstones? Also, wouldn't that leak sand whenever anything rubbed against it hard?

Hmmmm, 40,000 employees. So he micromanages 40,000 people? No.
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 8th, 2012 12:55 am (UTC)
(Link)
A "solid sandstone desk"? What is this, The Flintstones?

Good point.

I don't believe for a minute that Gaston micromanages 40,000 people, however. He just wishes that the could.

[User Picture]
From:zelda_queen
Date:April 7th, 2012 10:43 pm (UTC)
(Link)
With all of the creepy and misogyny and bitchiness from our lovely protagonist here, all I can wonder is why this opening chapter is SO GODDAMMED BORING! She couldn't be bothered to screw on a hastily constructed prologue/preface to PRETEND it's interesting? Gah!

(This is why I don't do well with harlequin or porn in general. I keep forgetting what I'm reading and start shouting "WHY ARE YOU FUSSING ABOUT CONTRIVED RELATIONSHIPS/ HAVING SEX AGAIN? GO HAVE A PLOT!")
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 8th, 2012 01:07 am (UTC)
(Link)
Well, the Suethor doesn't seem to believe in plot, conflict, or anything bad happening to her avatar. That gets in the way of anything interesting or entertaining happening.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) - Expand
[User Picture]
From:ldegnan
Date:April 8th, 2012 01:53 am (UTC)
(Link)
You, poor, poor souls. I was saving these for an emergency but I think you need them more than I do. *passes hidden supply of chocolate and Thai Lime & Chili Cashews* You're going to need it, if that introduction and this chapter are any indication.

Am I the only one who finds it amusing how the Suethor went out of her way to make the last names of her two 'protagonists', and I use the term loosely, match one another. Combine the two and you have 'steel grey', which is a color. 'OH LOOK AREN'T I OH SO CLEVER - THEY WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER!' Gag me.
Seriously, that's going the extra mile when it comes to Sue names - when you fact in how Ana's full name is already a gigantic Sue name in it's own right.

I have to echo your point about how the idea of just thinking you can do something will positively affect your chances at success is utter bullshit. My sister tries to pull that on me frequently in regards to my chronic Lyme Disease, saying that if I just tried harder all the exhaustion, brain and joint inflammation, chemical imbalances, mind numbing pain, and bugs in my system will just disappear - and is pretty much convinced that I will never amount to anything in life because I'm just 'not trying hard enough'. I can think about making myself healthy all I want, but it's not going to do a damn thing unless we find the right combination of drugs and herbal remedies to give my body a fighting chance.
It's the kind of attitude you see from people who have never experienced hardship, or who have had everything handed to them on a silver platter. They 'tried', even though very few of the people I see with this mentality actually earned the right to think that way through their own deeds, so why can other people? It's just so utterly naive that I can't help but shake my head at the absurdity of it.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:April 8th, 2012 04:41 am (UTC)
(Link)
Ooh, thank you for the snacks. We're gonna need 'em!

-Ket
[User Picture]
From:melpomene_ll
Date:April 8th, 2012 02:22 am (UTC)

Spitefic

(Link)
"I'll see you out, shall I?"

The words were barely out of Mr. Grey's mouth when Olivia jumped in. "No need, sir. I'll show her out. I'm sure you're far too busy." Before he could answer, she scooped up my arm in hers and led me out of the room.

We stood awkwardly by the elevator. I wasn't sure what to say. 'Thanks' seemed off--Mr. Grey hadn't been planning anything dangerous, after all. 'I can see myself out from here'? Yeah, because they'd really let me wander around on the boss's floor alone and unsupervised.

Fortunately, Olivia stepped in. "You want to be careful with him," she said as the elevator doors opened.

I faltered stepping into the elevator and she caught me before I fell. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"He's, well..." She dropped her voice. "He's what you might call a 'pure sadist'."

I frowned. "Like, into whips and stuff?"

"No--well, yes. But only if the other person doesn't like it."

My eyes widened. "But--that's--" I took a breath. "How do you know that?"

She looked at me very seriously. "How else?" she asked.

I didn't get the chance to clarify before the elevator reached the ground floor. "Have a nice day, Ms. Steele," Olivia said as I headed out.

I looked at the mini-disc recorder in my hand. I knew nothing about journalism, but Kate did. There had to be something on here that would prove or disprove what Olivia had said. And if it was true... Well, Kate would find something to ruin him with.
[User Picture]
From:sashocirrione
Date:April 8th, 2012 02:30 am (UTC)

Re: Spitefic

(Link)
Nice!
From:(Anonymous)
Date:April 8th, 2012 02:17 pm (UTC)
(Link)
HOW HAS THIS MAN NOT BEEN SUED FOR SEXUAL HARRASSEMENT???

He oozes it. There is sexual harrassment slimeing all over this scene.
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 8th, 2012 07:59 pm (UTC)

Why He Hasn't Been Sued

(Link)
I think that we can see why he hasn't been sued, thanks to the "Are you gay?" question. He doesn't let that go. He refers to that question over and over again, demonstrating real fury that someone dared to ask him that and blackmailing Ana--who seems to believe that upsetting men is the worst thing EVER--by reminding her that whatever he's asking her to say or acquiesce to, she already did something infinitely worse.

Can you imagine how he would react if someone actually challenged his authority and sued him? He'd perceive it as an attack, and he would never stop trying get even.

Now, employer retaliation in sexual harassment cases is common enough a serious problem as it is. This is what happened to one woman, who reported all of this in March 2012:

...one of my subordinates came to me and complained about one of the senior managers sexually harassing her. I reported it to my boss who told me not to report it to HR and that he will take care of it. Within a few weeks, my subordinate and I both received negative evaluations from the harasser and then from my boss (the partner). I then wrote an email to HR complaining about harassment and retaliation. The retaliation then only got worse. I have had Client projects taken away from me, given administrative work, denied promotion, reduced raises and bonuses, isolation at work, exclusion from meetings etc.

... The harasser was eventually let go from the firm but my boss who is very close to him got him a job across the street and he comes to our office floor with his friends even now. I have complained to HR requesting a transfer as I am scared for my safety but I have been told that it is not the firm's responsibility to transfer me. I am currently on medical leave due to post traumatic stress disorder. I have filed a complaint with the EEOC and the last call with HR was last week in which I was told I can either stay on long term disability leave and bide my time or sign a termination agreement with 11 weeks’ pay. Per the EEOC, this is an on going retaliation case (2 years) and last act of retaliation was in March 2012.


And all this is being done by a boss who, like Christian Grey, doesn't like being called on his bullshit and who hopes that if he makes things unpleasant enough for long enough, the person doing the calling will drop the suit and quit. However, unlike Christian Grey, this man is probably not a megalomaniacal sadist who is psychotically enraged that this employee (who, in his eyes, couldn't tie her shoes if he didn't exist) had the unmitigated gall to presume to tell HIM what to do.

He wouldn't just create a miserable work environment. He wouldn't simply file a counter-suit or drive her to quit. If she quit, he would probably ensure that she never got another job. He would arrange to have her arrested for prostitution and/or theft and/or embezzlement. He would buy the apartment building that she was living in or would see to it that the government seized her house through eminent domain. He would do everything in his power to break her mind and spirit. He might even try to break her physically.

He would feel completely entitled to do all of this and more to anyone who dared to fight him. And he has the money and resources to do this for years. For decades. For the rest of his life, if that's what he wants.

Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!


[User Picture]
From:tangerine_sama
Date:April 8th, 2012 07:51 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Wow. I am truly amazed. This woman has a gift. A gift for taking every single bullshit alpha male stereotype and wrapping it up with a wangst blanket for good measure.

I hate Christian. I hate Ana. I hate every single one of these characters, except those poor blondes who seem much more interesting than this stupid bimbo. I hate how this author has no idea how the BDSM lifestyle actually works. The one thing that she fails to understand is that BDSM is not just about the kinky aspects. From what I know it's also about trust. As in, you are able to trust the person you're with enough to know that they wouldn't hurt you. What I don't understand is why people think this is such a good example of it. It's not.


Let's not forget that you also have to have a willing participant and not some idiot who will do whatever you want her to because she's too dumb to live.

Also, what is her issue with blondes? Did one steal her boyfriend in high school? I think I actually like Kate better than I like Ana. Why can't the story be about Kate?


Good luck with this guys, I tried reading it but it ended up just sitting on my shelf until I sold it. ^^ Here's lots of vodka and candy? *hands over*
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 9th, 2012 04:31 am (UTC)
(Link)
Also, what is her issue with blondes? Did one steal her boyfriend in high school? I think I actually like Kate better than I like Ana. Why can't the story be about Kate?

Again, you have to remember that this was originally a Twilight fanfic. Meyer hates and demonizes blonde women, so James did the same thing in the original fanfic and saw no reason to change this.

I think I actually like Kate better than I like Ana. Why can't the story be about Kate?

Okay, this made me sporfle, because in the original fanfic, Kate Kavanaugh was named Rosalie Hale. You remember--the blunt-spoken, confident vampire who calls Wardo on his shit all the time.

And yes, a story about Kate has much more potential to be interesting--although I would prefer her story to be written by someone who can actually write, i.e., NOT E.L. James.

And thank you for the vodka and the candy! We appreciate both.
[User Picture]
From:often_partisan
Date:April 8th, 2012 11:04 pm (UTC)
(Link)
This guy is such a bourgeois asshole.
[User Picture]
From:gehayi
Date:April 9th, 2012 04:34 am (UTC)
(Link)
A succinct and accurate description. And the Suethor doesn't even appear to know that this guy is NOT acting like the personification of knighthood. (Oh, yes, that comparison shows up a bit later.)
[User Picture]
From:reniefuwa
Date:April 13th, 2012 11:03 pm (UTC)
(Link)
In other news, this book is getting its own small segment in our "big town" (a city of about 60,000 people) local news program. I almost face-palmed, but my parents were in the room.
[User Picture]
From:morri_delrae
Date:April 15th, 2012 05:55 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head first into the office.

This bit actually reminds me of a hilarious joke - I think it might be a good place to share it, to alleviate the mood after this pompous verbosity claptrap.

A manager was scheduled to see his boss about his impeding promotion. He was very excited about it, of course, but there was just one problem. The manager was a notorious potty-mouth, and he was afraid that he might accidentally drop a rude word during the meeting and the boss would take offense. So, as a means of preparation, he taught himself to say "frog" instead of "fuck". Thus prepared, he was just walking into his boss' office when he tripped on the carpet and swore reflexively: "Oh, frog!", and his boss rose from behind his desk and asked incredulously: "Really? Where the fuck did it come from?!".
From:(Anonymous)
Date:April 15th, 2012 06:07 pm (UTC)
(Link)
*Cracks up* I like that. It's definitely more entertaining than this chapter was.

-Ket
[User Picture]
From:aikaterini
Date:April 16th, 2012 09:19 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I'm looking forward to this sporking not only because of the resemblance to "Twilight" and your excellent commentary, but because I'm interested to know what BDSM actually is, what it actually entails. The only knowledge of it that I have is from the media, bad fanfiction, and from reading "Venus in Furs" by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (yes, the same fellow whom masochism is named after). I admit that I don't see the appeal in it, but maybe that's because my knowledge of it is, as you can see from above, extremely limited and flawed. So, in addition to learning what a horrible, sexist piece of tripe this book is, I look forward to learning what this book got wrong about the BDSM lifestyle.

P.S. Christian Grey already seems like a piece of work. Good Lord. Are you sure that he's not related to Patch or Nora from "Hush, Hush?"
From:(Anonymous)
Date:April 17th, 2012 12:09 am (UTC)
(Link)
It's a terrible, terrible angle at BDSM and really only good for learning what it isn't.

On a less angry note, I'd be happy to give you the knowledge that I have. I'm not an expert by any means, but I was Lifestyle for a time and am still interested in the practice of it, if not doing it as much anymore. If you want to kick an email my way, you're welcome to. (ketmakura@gmail.com)

-Ket
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From:ravenclaw_snark
Date:April 23rd, 2012 05:06 am (UTC)
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On the topic of blondes, I found this blog post (http://ibroughtmarshmallows.blogspot.com.au/2012/04/and-in-other-news-i-still-hate-twispawn.html) earlier today and the picture (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QSztwiHHdC8/T5TclIuxpqI/AAAAAAAAAKI/cS0IvAfNZXM/s1600/Stop+dissing+our+blondes.png) and final line sum up everything I have to say about Suethors hating on blondes.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:February 5th, 2013 08:12 pm (UTC)
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This is why I hate being a strawberry-brunette. Especially since I live in a house with a blonde younger sister who is likely nicer than I will ever be.
These dumbass suthors give us a bad light.

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