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May 30th, 2012

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11:21 am - The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner - Table of Contents
The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner

By Stephenie Meyer

Alternate Title: *bitchslap* YOU DUMBASS!!!

Bree Tanner! Man, she was such a rich and nuanced character, I’m sure you recognized the name immediately! Okay, yeah, we all know that when Meyer first announced this novella, half the people who ever read these books went, “Who?” In essentials, it is supposed to be the untold story of the newborn army (that we never saw, I might add) in Eclipse—specifically the story of the only survivor of the Cullens’ systematic slaughter of every last one of them. She was mostly kept alive so they could play with her for a little bit and then toss her to the Volturi to die—kept their hands nice and clean, after all. This book is revolutionary when it comes to style and characterization, though! Watch as Meyer takes what was once a vaguely pitiable and almost sympathetic character in Eclipse and, within five pages, turn her into the most unlikable, horrible, psychotic bitch since we got a look through Edward Cullen’s eyes in Midnight Sun. Interested in seeing how we can go from sympathizing with a character to cheering for her death so quickly? Then move forward, dear readers.

Just a minor note—this novella was all one big chapter. There weren’t even any section breaks (so not kidding). However, I thought just “part 1”, “part 2”, and so forth looked boring, so I added my own chapter titles to give you a general idea of what goes on in them! Have fun.

Table of Contents

Part 1 – Quintuple Homicide First Date
Part 2 – Burnin’ Down the House
Part 3 – Love is in the OH YOU FUCKING BITCH
Part 4 – Eating Meeting Raoul
Part 5 – Veni, Vidi, Volturi
Part 6 – Bree is a Dumbass
Part 7 – Training Day (Not Featured)
Part 8 – Where There’s a Whip, There’s a Way
Part 9 – Harry Roat Jasper
Part 10 – The Song Remains the Same
Part 11 – Leah Takes the Wheel
Frequently Asked Questions
Final Thoughts

(20 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:May 30th, 2012 04:26 pm (UTC)
Oh, man, I'd completely forgotten about this... thing.

I love your chapter titles. Never finished the novella, but the first half definitely sound accurate.

*rubs hands, pops popcorn*
Date:May 30th, 2012 06:39 pm (UTC)
I thought those chapter titles were too AWESOME for Meyer.
[User Picture]
Date:May 30th, 2012 04:31 pm (UTC)
The Preface and Introduction links before lead back to the contents page.

Love the chapter titles!
[User Picture]
Date:May 30th, 2012 04:33 pm (UTC)
You clicked 'em while I was in the middle of formatting them. Wasn't finished posting yet.
[User Picture]
Date:May 30th, 2012 04:38 pm (UTC)
Ah, sorry!
[User Picture]
Date:May 30th, 2012 04:47 pm (UTC)
It is here, finally here! So, uh... do I stay or run?

Ah, might as well stay. I'm a sucker for crap.

*puts on a kettle of tea*
[User Picture]
Date:May 30th, 2012 05:24 pm (UTC)
Oh, this is gonna be AWESOME.
[User Picture]
Date:May 30th, 2012 07:29 pm (UTC)
I like your chapter titles too. I'm excited to see Leah show up again. :)
[User Picture]
Date:May 30th, 2012 07:58 pm (UTC)
Nice chapter titles. This will be fun.
[User Picture]
Date:May 30th, 2012 08:13 pm (UTC)
Leah's gonna be in this sporking? YAY! *EXCITE*
[User Picture]
Date:May 30th, 2012 08:43 pm (UTC)
Ah, I got so excited before I remembered that I already read your sporking of this on your main journal! Will this one be the same thing entirely or are you going to add some new thoughts?
[User Picture]
Date:May 30th, 2012 10:34 pm (UTC)
It will be like all of the others I recapped over at my main journal first--there will be plenty of new thoughts added, though the base will generally be the same.
Date:May 30th, 2012 09:18 pm (UTC)
Fine. I will stick around for this BECAUSE YOU ARE GOOD AT THIS SORT OF THING AND I LOVE YOU. Those are the only reasons!

And because Leah is mentioned at the end, which is most promising. :)
[User Picture]
Date:May 30th, 2012 10:19 pm (UTC)
Love the chapter titles. :)
[User Picture]
Date:May 31st, 2012 01:18 am (UTC)
Oh I am excited for this!
[User Picture]
Date:May 31st, 2012 05:45 am (UTC)
Doesn't the title for part 6 apply to the entire thing, though?
[User Picture]
Date:May 31st, 2012 05:55 am (UTC)
Very true. So for me to deliberately title a section that should tell you just what level of dumbassery you'll be seeing in that one.
Date:June 4th, 2012 11:20 am (UTC)
These past few days I've read your sporkings of Twilight, New Moon and Elipse (and the Midnight Sun by Hyde) and I cant wait to read the Bree Tanner sporkings!
Date:August 15th, 2012 09:59 am (UTC)
Um, why does it show the "Leah Takes the Wheel" link, when it leads to "The Song Remains The Same?"
[User Picture]
Date:April 30th, 2014 12:54 pm (UTC)


You know, the first (and only) time I read Bree Tanner, I liked it better than I did the other Twilight books even though she was stupid - and back then of course, I didn't realise how true all the points you made were. I never liked Bree. I felt the same way about her as I felt about Catherine and Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights - sure, the characters are awful people, but you feel a little bad for them when horrible things happen to them (well, Catharine at least, she was just a tiny bit better than Heatcliff - I wanted him to curl up in a ditch and die). Now I realise that was not Meyer's intention and I was really supposed to sympathise with that murderous, psychotic bitch, who kills MY SPECIES with no remorse.

All those comments Meyer makes about never have been into vampires - yeah, it's obvious. She glorifies these murderers. Like you said in one of you das_rantings, a good vampire protagonist fights against his nature. Stefen from TVD is a great example. He's done horrible things in the past and he hates himself for it. He restricts himself to an all-animal diet, even though it causes him pain, because if he drank even a little human blood would make him go wild (Ripper). Part of him wanted to kill Elena at firs, but he fought the urge. Not to mention my favorite thing about him - he actually does the right thing and RESPECTS Elena and her wishes, even though he is (well, was, bout still is, because he is older) more powerful and doesn't have to (unlike Damon, who is more like Edward in that respect - disregarding Elena's wants to protect her, though that's another topic all together).

Edited at 2014-04-30 12:55 pm (UTC)

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