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December 1st, 2012


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das_mervin
09:38 pm - Breaking Dawn - Table of Contents
Breaking Dawn

By Stephenie Meyer

Alternate Title: Nothing Happens. At All.

I believe I will preface this summary with a simple statement: Anything you have heard about this book? It’s 99.9% guaranteed to be true. That’s right. No matter how outrageous the rumor, how insane the description, how unbelievable the plot device, it probably happens. I tell you that now to make sure you cast off all doubts and sanity, because it’s the only way you’re going to survive this clusterfuck. Breaking Dawn, the final book in the series! The end of Bella’s journey to becoming a beautiful and sparkly and immortal vampire. We’ve spent three books listening to her whine just to get to this point—boy, Meyer sure has a lot to live up to with this finale! Will she manage? Doubtful, but she will manage new heights of bad writing, horrible characterization, scarring mental images, and plotus interruptus the likes of which we have never seen. Dare you go on? I’ll bet you do—your trainwreck syndrome demands it. Come on in and watch us all take on the ultimate fail in Meyer’s blisteringly bad series, The Twilight Saga.

Table of Contents

Introduction

BOOK ONE: BELLA

Dedications and Opening Quote I
Preface I
Chapter 1 – Engaged (Part I)
Chapter 1 – Engaged (Part II)
Chapter 2 – Long Night (Part I)
Chapter 2 – Long Night (Part II)
Chapter 3 – Big Day
Chapter 4 – Gesture (Part I)
Chapter 4 – Gesture (Part II)
Chapter 5 – Isle Esme
Chapter 6 – Distractions
Chapter 7 – Unexpected (Part I)
Chapter 7 – Unexpected (Part II)
Chapter 7 – Unexpected (Part III)
Book I Summary

BOOK TWO: JACOB

Opening Quote II
Preface II
Chapter 8 – Waiting for the Damn Fight to Start Already (Part I)
Chapter 8 – Waiting for the Damn Fight to Start Already (Part II)
Chapter 9 – Sure as Hell Didn’t See That One Coming (Part I)
Chapter 9 – Sure as Hell Didn’t See That One Coming (Part II)
Chapter 10 – Why Didn’t I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I’m an Idiot. (Part I)
Chapter 10 – Why Didn’t I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I’m an Idiot. (Part II)
Chapter 11 – The Two Things at the Very Top of My Things-I-Never-Wanted-To-Do List
Chapter 12 – Some People Just Don’t Grasp the Concept of “Unwelcome” (Part I)
Chapter 12 – Some People Just Don’t Grasp the Concept of “Unwelcome” (Part II)
Chapter 12 – Some People Just Don’t Grasp the Concept of “Unwelcome” (Part III)
Chapter 13 – Good Thing I’ve Got a Strong Stomach (Part I)
Chapter 13 – Good Thing I’ve Got a Strong Stomach (Part II)
Chapter 14 – You Know Things are Bad When You Feel Guilty for Being Rude to Vampires
Chapter 15 – TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK (Part I)
Chapter 15 – TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK (Part II)
Chapter 16 – Too-Much-Information Alert (Part I)
Chapter 16 – Too-Much-Information Alert (Part II)
Chapter 16 – Too-Much-Information Alert (Part III)
Chapter 17 – What Do I Look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need a Brain? You Need a Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.
Chapter 18 – There Are No Words For This. (Part I)
Chapter 18 – There Are No Words For This. (Part II)
Chapter 18 – There Are No Words For This. (Part III)
Book II Summary
15 Reasons to See Breaking Dawn Part I (And One Reason Not To)

BOOK THREE: BELLA

Opening Quote III
Preface III
Chapter 19 – Burning
Chapter 20 – New (Part I)
Chapter 20 – New (Part II)
Chapter 21 – First Hunt (Part I)
Chapter 21 – First Hunt (Part II)
Chapter 22 – Promised (Part I)
Chapter 22 – Promised (Part II)
Chapter 22 – Promised (Part III)
Chapter 23 – Memories (Part I)
Chapter 23 – Memories (Part II)
Chapter 23 – Memories (Part III)
Chapter 24 – Surprise (Part I)
Chapter 24 – Surprise (Part II)
Chapter 25 – Favor (Part I)
Chapter 25 – Favor (Part II)
Chapter 25 – Favor (Part III)
Chapter 26 – Shiny
Chapter 27 – Travel Plans (Part I)
Chapter 27 – Travel Plans (Part II)
Chapter 27 – Travel Plans (Part III)
Chapter 28 – The Future
Chapter 29 – Defection (Part I)
Chapter 29 – Defection (Part II)
Chapter 30 – Irresistible (Part I)
Chapter 30 – Irresistible (Part II)
Chapter 30 – Irresistible (Part III)
Chapter 31 – Talented
Chapter 32 – Company (Part I)
Chapter 32 – Company (Part II)
Chapter 32 – Company (Part III)
Chapter 33 – Forgery (Part I)
Chapter 33 – Forgery (Part II)
Chapter 34 – Declared (Part I)
Chapter 34 – Declared (Part II)
Chapter 34 – Declared (Part III)
Chapter 35 – Deadline (Part I)
Chapter 35 – Deadline (Part II)
Chapter 35 – Deadline (Part III)
Chapter 36 – Bloodlust (Part I)
Chapter 36 – Bloodlust (Part II)
Chapter 36 – Bloodlust (Part III)
Chapter 37 – Contrivances (Part I)
Chapter 37 – Contrivances (Part II)
Chapter 37 – Contrivances (Part III)
Chapter 37 – Contrivances (Part IV)
Chapter 38 – Power (Part I)
Chapter 38 – Power (Part II)
Chapter 38 – Power (Part III)
Chapter 38 – Power (Part IV)
Chapter 39 – The Happily Ever After (Part I)
Chapter 39 – The Happily Ever After (Part II)
Chapter 39 – The Happily Ever After (Part III)
Book III Summary
Acknowledgements
15 Reasons to Skip Breaking Dawn Part II (And One Reason Not To)

THE BREAKING DAWN FALLOUT

Prepublication Request
MTV Interview
Frequently Asked Questions (Part I)
Frequently Asked Questions (Part II)
MTV Fan Questions
Stephenie Meyer’s Criticism Response
The Petition Response
The Midnight Sun Flounce Redux
Breaking Dawn Part 2 Press Release
Twilight Lexicon Correspondence #12 (Part I)
Twilight Lexicon Correspondence #12 (Part II)
Twilight Lexicon Correspondence #12 (Part III)
Twilight Lexicon Correspondence #12 (Part IV)
Twilight Lexicon Correspondence #12 (Part V)
Final Thoughts: Plot
Final Thoughts: Characterization
Final Thoughts: Style
Final Thoughts: Literary Value
Final Thoughts: It All Comes Together
Spitefics


(56 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


Page 1 of 2
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[User Picture]
From:zelda_queen
Date:November 2nd, 2012 02:41 am (UTC)
(Link)
*SQUEES!!!*

You brave person! All the sanity and well-wishing in the world to you!
From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 2nd, 2012 02:41 am (UTC)
(Link)
Is it bad that I smirked, said "Oh, yes," and rubbed my hands together at the thought of seeing this book sporked very thoroughly?
[User Picture]
From:hummingbird91
Date:November 2nd, 2012 05:05 am (UTC)
(Link)
I think that makes us all bad people. I can NOT wait to read this! Hats off to Mervin!
(no subject) - (Anonymous) - Expand
[User Picture]
From:sos_sporkers
Date:November 2nd, 2012 02:46 am (UTC)
(Link)
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES

That is all.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 2nd, 2012 02:46 am (UTC)
(Link)
DEAR GOD.

This is it, isn't it? The BIG one.

The clusterfuck to end the most nauseating, mind-numbing, idiotic series to ever shame the Earth with its very existence.

*draws in a huge breath and exhales slowly*

Let's do this.
[User Picture]
From:madforbeyond
Date:November 2nd, 2012 03:06 am (UTC)
(Link)
It's time.

In the immortal words of Jim Carrey: LET'S ROCK THIS JOINT!
From:ruin_takada
Date:February 15th, 2013 11:48 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Is it sad that I read those immortal words and thought, 'You can rock MY joint anytime!'?

No?

Good.
[User Picture]
From:guardians_song
Date:November 2nd, 2012 03:20 am (UTC)
(Link)
"No matter how outrageous the rumor, how insane the description, how unbelievable the plot device, it probably happens. I tell you that now to make sure you cast off all doubts and sanity, because it’s the only way you’re going to survive this clusterfuck."
This is actually why Breaking Dawn is my favorite Twilight book. It perfectly recaptures the batshit insane spirit of childhood fantasies and stories conjured up before the adolescent formation of a reality filter.

Admittedly, that's not the best feature in a book written by a woman in her thirties, but I try to ignore that.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 2nd, 2012 08:39 am (UTC)
(Link)
It's so GLORIOUSLY AWFUL. It sparkles with terribleness, and also with smug arsehole vampires.
[User Picture]
From:nix501st
Date:November 2nd, 2012 03:35 am (UTC)
(Link)
You can do this Mervin! You can take on Meyer's writing once and for all!
My friends and I will be cheering for you the whole way! *hands out a lot of bleeprin* I have a feeling you'll need this.
[User Picture]
From:blueinkedpalm
Date:November 2nd, 2012 04:01 am (UTC)
(Link)
*...as if a thousand voices suddenly cried out, squeeeeeee!*

I have been looking forward to this ever since you announced your plans. :D
[User Picture]
From:lady_fofa
Date:November 2nd, 2012 05:16 am (UTC)
(Link)
I have a feeling that we're going to have a lot of split chapters.

Anyway, I have a question: if you're doing the 15 reasons to the watch the movies like with the other movies, are you going to do parts 1 and 2 at the same time (when part 2 comes out at least), or separately? If it's the latter, will part 1 come at the end of book 2?
[User Picture]
From:starling_night
Date:November 2nd, 2012 05:38 am (UTC)
(Link)
"Chapter 18 – There Are No Words For This."

This makes me laugh!
[User Picture]
From:charamei
Date:November 2nd, 2012 09:35 am (UTC)
(Link)
*runs away*

*runs back with popcorn*

I've been looking forward to this. And your timing couldn't be better - I'm off sick today.

Anything you have heard about this book? It’s 99.9% guaranteed to be true.

cleolinda said it best: Twilight means never having to say you're kidding.
[User Picture]
From:skyshatter19
Date:November 2nd, 2012 11:01 am (UTC)
(Link)
Breaking Dawn, Meyer's crowning jewel of the Twilight series. She had to make sure to outdo herself in everything, including bad writing. And boy, did she outdo herself.

On a side note, what do you use to make those icons for the sporkings?
[User Picture]
From:zelda_queen
Date:November 2nd, 2012 04:38 pm (UTC)
(Link)
She uses the eLouai Candybar dollmaker games, I believe:

http://elouai.com/candybar.php
[User Picture]
From:angel_renoir
Date:November 2nd, 2012 12:09 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Drinks all around! We all would need it! *drags over crates of drinks*

I'll take Coke.

Beer, Mervin? Mrs Hyde? Snape? Or rum? Vodka?

Anyone? Coffee? Wine? Blood, if any of us are vampires?
[User Picture]
From:sashocirrione
Date:November 2nd, 2012 02:53 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Oh crap! You have my sympathies.
[User Picture]
From:linneakou
Date:November 2nd, 2012 03:06 pm (UTC)
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^my reaction to seeing these updates in my inbox.
[User Picture]
From:hummingbird91
Date:January 2nd, 2013 11:42 am (UTC)
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What movie/series is the above pic from? It looks interesting...
[User Picture]
From:katdelval
Date:November 2nd, 2012 05:06 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Just wanted you to know that I am a HUGE fan of your sporkings and I have been waiting for this one for a long time. I am SO happy you're tackling it now. Yay! Yay! Yay! And good luck, Mervin. God speed.
From:blender_bender8
Date:November 2nd, 2012 05:42 pm (UTC)
(Link)
*squee!* YES! This is gonna rock! And wow, no wonder the hellspawn imprinted on Jacob. If she didn't, it looks like he'd join our side in a moment of sanity! Look at some of these chapter titles!

"Waiting for the Damn Fight to Start Already"

So are we Jacob. So are we.

"Why Didn’t I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I’m an Idiot"

My thoughts on the series in general.

"Good Thing I’ve Got a Strong Stomach"

That IS a good thing. We're gonna need them.

"There Are No Words For This."

More general thoughts on this series.
From:logansrunfan
Date:November 2nd, 2012 06:02 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Best of luck das-mervin.
[User Picture]
From:inmh
Date:November 2nd, 2012 06:42 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Breaking Dawn, the final book in the series!

SHHHHHHHH! DON'T. JINX IT. *Shudder*
[User Picture]
From:aikaterini
Date:November 3rd, 2012 01:21 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Yay! Good luck! I can't wait! :D
[User Picture]
From:13thscorpio
Date:November 12th, 2012 06:16 am (UTC)
(Link)
It has started! Been checking off and on for a while, but it is here! Please don't let the book kill you Mervin.
[User Picture]
From:galenfea
Date:November 13th, 2012 08:33 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Gleeee! I've been coming back and checking over and over and it's finally here! Good luck!
[User Picture]
From:rinlockhart
Date:November 14th, 2012 06:18 am (UTC)
(Link)
God speed.
[User Picture]
From:musiclover42
Date:December 5th, 2012 12:07 am (UTC)
(Link)
Kick it in the ass, Mervin.
[User Picture]
From:magykal
Date:January 7th, 2013 07:33 pm (UTC)

Jacob's Chapter Titles

(Link)
Has anyone else realized how ridiculous (and hilarious/bad) Jacob's chapter titles are?
[User Picture]
From:illyriasacolyte
Date:January 27th, 2013 10:37 pm (UTC)

Re: Jacob's Chapter Titles

(Link)
My guess would be that we have Madame Mervin to thank for that. It's totally her voice.

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