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Breaking Dawn: Chapter 7 - Unexpected (Part I) - The Sporkings of Das Mervin and Company

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January 10th, 2013


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das_mervin
08:31 pm - Breaking Dawn: Chapter 7 - Unexpected (Part I)
Chapter 6 | Table of Contents | Chapter 7 (Part II)



Chapter 7 – Unexpected

Part I


MERVIN: *pops her neck and cracks her fingers* Phew. Chapter seven. *seethes* I can’t possibly do anything to prepare anybody for this, so I just brought a sandwich. And Hyde, as you know.

MRS. HYDE: *sucks down her third margarita like its her job*

MERVIN: Hyde does not believe as I do, and is obviously doing her best to prepare. Can I have some anyway? *reaches for the pitcher*

MRS. HYDE: *HISSES LIKE A WILD ANIMAL*

MERVIN: *snatches hand back* Okay. Well, I guess that answers that question. *hauls out a bottle of vodka*

First off, I’d like to mention that this chapter, while not terribly long, is still going to be split into three parts. Why? Because this chapter contains three separate issues, and all need to be addressed properly. They all deserve attention, so we are not going to lump them all together so we can make sure that people aren’t concentrating on one issue and ignoring the others because trust me, all three of these issues are serious and need to be discussed and seen for what they are. I’ve seen far too many people only fuss about one of the issues here (and I think you all know which one it is), and while I’m not saying it shouldn’t be discussed, I’m saying you shouldn’t ignore the other two. It’s kind of like how people are too busy concentrating on Edward Cullen’s psycho behavior to notice that he’s pretty much just an asshole, or are too busy concentrating on how Jasper acts like a “real” vampire so they like him and tend to forget that he’s supposed to be a genuine good guy and you are supposed to support his monstrous behavior as a hero and aren’t even supposed to think that it’s wrong on any conceivable level.

As such, I am going to make a request right up front—I know which issue you guys are itching to get to. However, can we keep it on-topic for these parts? Let’s not discuss future events of chapter seven—just talk about what’s going on now. I know you guys are anxious, but like I said—there are more issues in this chapter than just That One. So let’s give each one its due! Let’s stick to the subject at hand for each part. Don’t worry, we’ll eventually get there. Just be patient and you will be rewarded.

Now, let’s begin the infamous chapter seven.

MRS. HYDE: No. Not the infamous chapter seven. Still chapters five and six. Mervin, what the hell did those two chapters have to do with anything?

MERVIN: Great sex and rich stuff.

MRS. HYDE: Okay, lemme rephrase that—what the hell did they have to do with anything plot-related?

MERVIN: Yeah, I agree. The sexings happened, and that’s all that's relevant—and we didn’t even get to see it and the first one was the only one that mattered. And just the act—the build-up and aftermath didn’t. They could’ve been having a snowball fight or been playing in the mud and it would’ve had as much impact on the plot.

STEPHENIE MEYER = ARIANA BLACK: 32

There. One for each of those pointless, plotless chapters.

Now can I continue, Hyde?

MRS. HYDE: Fine.

MERVIN: Why did you okay me to do that? Because this is our intro.


The line of black advanced on me through the shroud-like mist. I could see their dark ruby eyes glinting with desire, lusting for the kill. Their lips pulled back over their sharp, wet teeth — some to snarl, some to smile.

I heard the child behind me whimper, but I couldn't turn to look at him. Though I was desperate to be sure that he was safe, I could not afford any lapse in focus now.

They ghosted closer, their black robes billowing slightly with the movement. I saw their hands curl into bone-colored claws. They started to drift apart, angling to come at us from all sides. We were surrounded. We were going to die.

And then, like a burst of light from a flash, the whole scene was different. Yet nothing changed — the Volturi still stalked toward us, poised to kill. All that really changed was how the picture looked to me. Suddenly, I was hungry for it. I wanted them to charge. The panic changed to bloodlust as I crouched forward, a smile on my face, and a growl ripped through my bared teeth.

I jolted upright, shocked out of the dream.


A FUCKING SYMBOLIC DREAM.


But this isn’t just a symbolic dream of symbology, guys. Oh no. I don’t care that I’m spoiling you and posting a quote from a later chapter—one that I will be sporking, no less. Because look at this paragraph from the third prologue of this book.


And then, like a burst of light from a flash, the whole scene was different. Yet nothing changed — the Volturi still stalked toward us, poised to kill. All that really changed was how the picture looked to me. Suddenly, I was hungry for it. I wanted them to charge. The panic changed to bloodlust as I crouched forward, a smile on my face, and a growl ripped through my bared teeth.


Yeah, she cut-and-pasted it. SO FUCKING WHAT? That isn’t the point here! The point is that BELLA SWAN JUST FUCKING DREAMED THE FUTURE!!!!! THIS WASN’T A SYMBOLIC DREAM OF SYMBOLOGY, GUYS!!! THIS IS A FUTURE DREAM OF FUTUROSITY!!!


SUBTLE FORESHADOWING: 18

SLEDGEHAMMER OF SYMBOLOGY: 12

SYMBOLIC DREAMS: 5

MRS. HYDE: Seriously, guys. This is new heights of unrealism, not to mention new depths of laziness, and is seriously hurting SMeyer’s “world within our world” situation. It’s bad enough that Bella would always have her stupid symbolic dreams that are nothing like what any normal person would realistically have or dreaming plot points out of laziness. Now we are getting into the realm of clairvoyance. Come to think of it, this just makes me wonder why the hell Bella doesn’t have Alice’s powers when she is turned. She isn’t defined by her “closed mind”, like SMeyer insists. She dreams like this all the frickin’ time, to the point that she is literally dreaming the future! This is ridiculous! (And yes, it is still lazy writing. She C&P’d, for God’s sake!)

MERVIN: *finally calms down and stops gibbering* And it’s not the first time she has C&P’d when it comes to symbolic dreams. She did it with Twilight and New Moon. If you will recall, she C&P’d the original symbolic dream she had in chapter seven of Twilight with Edward the Vampire and Jacob the Werewolf when it became clear Bella was too stupid to figure out that Jacob was a werewolf in chapter twelve of New Moon. However, this is a little different—in that it’s a lot worse. Yeah, she’s still a lazy hack, but this is seeing the future! It’s one thing to recap something from the past! This is Bella dreaming something that hasn’t happened that comes true! She has symbolically dreamed the future before—but never, ever this explicitly. And, as we know from the Guide, ESP and clairvoyance and the like do exist in this canon. However, that is pretty much always what the vampire’s power winds up being. So, like Hyde said, why in the hell is vampire Bella not like Alice if she’s seeing the future?!

MRS. HYDE: That’s easy, Mervin. Because then Bella wouldn’t be unique and special.

MERVIN: No, she’s just Airhead—having prophetic dreams for NO FUCKING REASON.

STEPHENIE MEYER = ARIANA BLACK: 33

MRS. HYDE: Bella catapults out of her dream, treats us to a rather overly-detailed description of how she’s sweating (including some bad wording that implies she’s drinking it), and immediately looks around for Wardo. He’s apparently not there. I thought for sure he was, because she feels something “smooth and flat and stiff” in the bed next to her. But no, it’s simply a note, obnoxiously addressed to “Mrs. Cullen”. He’s gotta remind her that she belongs to him, after all. Apparently, Wardo has gone off to the mainland to hunt. Bella is miffed by this, because it’s the unpleasant reality intruding on what has thus far been—wait, what? It’s been two weeks? Two frickin’ weeks and he hasn’t had to go hunt once? What the hell, man?

MERVIN: I’m more irritated about how Bella describes all this as her “perfect state” and how they’ve been “drifting along”, so she really didn’t have much concept of time. I agree! I’ve got no feel for how much time has passed, either.

STEPHENIE MEYER = ARIANA BLACK: 34

Bella starts whining about how hot she is, and how she’s so sweaty and can’t sleep now and I gotta ask, anybody ever heard of a fan?

MRS. HYDE: No, they’ve apparently never heard of air conditioning, either. I know they’re vampires and they don’t need climate control, but they don’t need a kitchen, they don’t need their bathrooms with running water, they don’t need beds, they don’t need the cleaning crew, they don’t need any of that stuff in that house, but they got all of that to show off how rich they are…but forgot to get something as basic and ubiquitous as an A/C. Not too bright, are they?

MERVIN: Okay. What follows is…it’s hard to describe. It is, but it isn’t. I’ll sum up, then show you. It’s important that I do this. Bella turns on all the lights in the house because it’s the middle of the night. She wants comfort food. She decides on fried chicken. She starts making it. She eats it right out of the pan—which holy God, what is wrong with you? You’re eating boiling grease. Suddenly, she decides it’s gross once it cools (and once her taste buds miraculously grow back in seconds). She says “ugh” to piss me off, spits out the chicken, declares it rancid, and throws it all out. She opens the windows and enjoys the cool air. Even though she just said she was wide awake before, she’s now suddenly tired and turns on the same movie that she and Edward were watching when the cleaning crew showed up in the previous chapter and falls asleep immediately.

That’s the summary. Here’s the actual text—all of it.


I got up and wandered aimlessly through the dark house, flipping on lights. It felt so big and empty without Edward there. Different.

I ended up in the kitchen and decided that maybe comfort food was what I needed.

I poked around in the fridge until I found all the ingredients for fried chicken.

The popping and sizzling of the chicken in the pan was a nice, homey sound; I felt less nervous while it filled the silence.

It smelled so good that I started eating it right out of the pan, burning my tongue in the process. By the fifth or sixth bite, though, it had cooled enough for me to taste it. My chewing slowed. Was there something off about the flavor? I checked the meat, and it was white all the way through, but I wondered if it was completely done. I took another experimental bite; I chewed twice. Ugh — definitely bad. I jumped up to spit it into the sink. Suddenly, the chicken-and-oil smell was revolting. I took the whole plate and shook it into the garbage, then opened the windows to chase away the scent. A coolish breeze had picked up outside. It felt good on my skin.

I was abruptly exhausted, but I didn't want to go back to the hot room. So I opened more windows in the TV room and lay on the couch right beneath them. I turned on the same movie we'd watched the other day and quickly fell asleep to the bright opening song.


Did you see much of a difference there? Because there isn’t. That right there was The Laundry List to Beat All Laundry Lists—quite possibly the worst one Meyer has ever written. There was nothing in it—no emotion, no plot, no humor, no characterization—no nothing. Just a dry, bland recounting of a series of mechanical actions summed up in choppy sentences and crammed into about two paragraphs. (And no, I’m not counting Meyer’s three one-sentence paragraphs as separate; she is a repeat offender in that regard and it’s very bad form. I personally think she just does it to drive up her page count with relatively few words.)

MRS. HYDE: That’s not all it is, Mervin. It’s not just an Airhead-style laundry list.

STEPHENIE MEYER = ARIANA BLACK: 35

The best way to describe it is just that it’s rushed. SMeyer is in a hurry right now because, as we all know from the symbolic dreams, her hunger there, and her sudden morning sickness, that something big is on the horizon.

DEAD HERRINGS: 13

SUBTLE FORESHADOWING: 19

And because she wants to get to it, she’s dashing through the snow lead-in and her already poor writing is suffering further for it. I can tell because I do this myself—if I have a scene that I’m planning but need intro or build-up to get to it? Yeah, the earlier stuff stinks. I jot it down or sometimes even skip it all together so I can get to the part that I really wanna write. But the difference between me and SMeyer is that I GO BACK AND FIX IT. I go back and clean up all my short, choppy sentences and lack of emotion, or just wait to write it until I’ve got the big scene out of my system. After I’ve done that, then I send it off to my beta to clean it up even further. SMeyer? She didn’t. She obviously had no interest in writing this part, so she flew through it all slip-shod just so we could get to the meat—and so the writing sucks.

MERVIN: You know, I know I already mentioned it, but I’m still stuck on it ‘cause it’s hurts me. SHE ATE BOILING GREASE!!! She just grabbed a piece of fried chicken out of boiling grease and shoved it in her mouth! “Supernatural” did something similar. Here’s what he looked like! This ain’t cool, literally or figuratively! I think maybe she has been touched by famine—wild cravings for eggs, sex, and chicken that she can’t control. What next—she gonna start eating Edward alive while she has sex with him? That’d improve the story, if anything.

MRS. HYDE: Like I said, Mervin—rushed, so it sucks. SMeyer’s thinking about what she’s writing even less than usual. *loftily* She has bigger things on her tiny mind.

MERVIN: Bleh. So, Bella wakes up after the sun is up and Edward’s back. However, he’s not what woke her up—here comes our first official sign of The Spawn. She gets a stomach pain. Edward notices that she’s hot and says that he’ll have to get an A/C installed before they go. For…pretty much no reason. Because Bella won’t be back as a human. They didn’t have it before because they were vampires. And now they are going to put one in when all that are gonna be visiting it are more vampires. You could argue that he wants it installed before they leave—which means he’ll install it strictly so Bella can enjoy it for a couple of weeks at most because they’re going to Dartmouth, remember? I would almost give that a Filthy Rich point, but I’m not—because that’s just stupid.

However, Bella doesn’t notice. Instead, she has to get up and rush away, running to the bathroom to puke everywhere—fortunately, she makes it in the toilet. Edward, while Bella is being violently ill and throwing up her toenails, asks, “What's wrong?” *dryly* What do you think, O Ye of Two Medical Degrees?

MRS. HYDE: Bella’s response is to curse the bad chicken. Because that’s all it is.

DEAD HERRINGS: 14

At any rate, she feels bad, she’s puking her guts out, she’s uncomfortable, ill, and embarrassed, and tells Wardo that she doesn’t want him to watch this and to go away. As usual, what she wants does not enter into his thinking and he condescendingly tells her, “Not likely, Bella.” Asshole.

MERVIN: Dude, leave her alone. I never want anyone around me when I’m vomiting. It’s gross, and I actually find it humiliating. I want to beat him with a nine-iron—especially because she’s actively trying to push him away from her and he’s just sitting there, ignoring her and man-handling her when she clearly wants him to go away.

MAN-HANDLING: 15

MRS. HYDE: So, Wardo carries her to their room—

MAN-HANDLING: 16

—and we are reassured once more that it was food poisoning from the bad chicken.

DEAD HERRINGS: 15

That was such a big herring we had to see it twice! But now that she’s gotten it out, she feels great! In fact, she’s hungry again! That’s not how puking works, morning sickness or no. But we have no time for that, because it’s time for more EGGS, IT IS!!!! /Gollum However, that actually doesn’t get a symbology point, because things like toast and eggs are typically eaten to settle a stomach. (And that’s all Wardo can make anyway.)

MERVIN: Edward puts on the news, and Bella promptly lampshades the fact that nobody has any idea as to where we are or what’s going on when it comes to the timeline. “[W]e'd been so out of touch, world war three could have broken out and we wouldn't have known.” Or cared. By the way, Meyer, “world war three” should be capitalized. Nice editing, Ninja.

MRS. HYDE: Within two seconds, Bella is bored with the news and wants to have sex. But the minute she moves from where she was draped across Wardo, the stomach pains are back and so violent that she can’t even make it to the bathroom this time and so pukes in the kitchen sink. By the way, I hope you guys know that our summarizing here is basically how the text looks. We’re not skimming anything. The text really is this dry and bland—SMeyer is in a big hurry. If you don’t believe me, just scroll back up and re-read that quote that Mervin showed you. Things haven’t changed.

Wardo thinks they should go see a doctor. Bella, however, disagrees. “Doctors meant needles,” she whines.

MERVIN: DOCTORS MEAN NEEDLES. That’s why you won’t go to a doctor. Okay, you’ve been on a South American island for over two weeks, you’ve been swimming in the ocean, running around in the jungle, rolling around in the sand, and eating local food from the mainland that’s been sitting in the house for at least two weeks—and you’ve been keeping the windows and doors open, so anything could crawl, slink, slither, ooze, or fly in there—and you don’t wanna go to the doctor because they have needles. There’s no guarantee you’d get a shot—but because they are there, you won’t go.

MY GOD, YOU MORON.

YOU COULD HAVE SOME KIND OF EVIL SOUTH AMERICAN PARASITE THAT CRAWLED INTO ONE OF YOUR VARIOUS ORIFICES AND IS NOW EATING YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT. YOU CAN’T KEEP FOOD DOWN, YOU’RE EXPERIENCING STOMACH PAINS, AND YOU’RE TIRED ALL THE TIME. THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE A PARASITE. IGNORE THE FACT THAT YOU ACTUALLY DO—YOU COULD HAVE A MASSIVE TAPEWORM IN THERE! OR HELL, ANY OTHER KIND OF WORM! YOU COULD HAVE MALARIA FROM ALL OF THE MOSQUITOES YOU’VE BEEN LETTING IN THE HOUSE! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, YOU ARE IN SOUTH AMERICA! SOUTH AMERICA IS THE WORST CONTINENT THAT GOD EVER MADE BECAUSE EVERYTHING ON IT WANTS TO CRAWL INSIDE OF YOU AND LIVE THERE, EATING YOUR TENDER BUTT MEAT FOR ALL ETERNITY!!! EVERYTHING IN SOUTH AMERICA WANTS TO SUCK YOU DRY AND FILL YOU WITH MASSIVE WRITHING BALLS OF SLIMY WORMS AND SUCKING MOUTHS!!!! IT’S EVIL!!! EVIL!!! BUT NO, YOU DON’T WANNA DEAL WITH NEEDLES SO YOU’LL JUST CUDDLE THE LAMPREY-SIZED CANDIRU THAT’S LIVING IN YOUR BLADDER RIGHT NOW AND CONVERSING WITH THE BOT-FLY LARVA THAT ARE EATING YOUR BRAIN—

MRS. HYDE: *puts Mervin down* Hee. I love it when I get to do that.

MERVIN: *from the floor* I hate South America. It’s worse than Australia. Things just want to kill you in Australia. They don’t want to live in you and eat you slowly.

MRS. HYDE: There, there. You know the whole continent isn’t like that.

MERVIN: No. Just where they are.

MRS. HYDE: Anyway. Bella goes to the bathroom to brush her teeth and dose up on some Pepto. She also kind of nods to GUC, because she has to do it because she needs to “calm Edward down”.

MERVIN: No! This is legit worry from him this time! They are in frickin’ South America! She has some kind of fluke or round worms or whipworms or pinworms or is covered in chigoe fleas!

MRS. HYDE: Fine, whatever. The point is it’s not really to calm Wardo down—it’s SMeyer’s ham-fisted and contrived way to get to the big reveal. But not only is it ham-fisted and contrived—it’s an utter failure. After all of the subtle foreshadowing and hand-holding and dead herrings, the angle she uses to reveal that Bella is pregnant comes out of nowhere.

MERVIN: Bella finds a Mystery Box among all of the toiletries that Alice packed for her. I say Mystery Box because Bella doesn’t tell us what it is. And she continues not to tell us what it is for a full page. Seriously—she is having to work to avoid this to try and draw out the suspense while Bella starts freaking out and counting something that she also won’t explain, and finally Edward shows up again, concerned and fretting and doing his best doctor impression by putting his hand on her forehead (and it seriously just made me laugh). He actually tries to do the audience a favor and does his best to drag the information out of Bella, but she won’t give. She just keeps going, not telling us, not telling him, just sitting there staring into space like an idiot trying to hold us in suspense.


FINALLY Bella reveals what she’s been counting—how many days since the wedding. She asks Edward how many it’s been, and he reveals they haven’t been there for a mere two weeks—it’s been a full seventeen days.

Gotta digress here and bring up two points. First, Airhead! Obvious reasons.

STEPHENIE MEYER = ARIANA BLACK: 36

Secondly, it’s been seventeen days and Edward didn’t eat once until last night. He went seventeen days without eating. And we didn’t notice. Bella didn’t notice, Edward didn’t notice—nothing. Chalk one up for Meyer’s inconsistency for vampire feeding and bloodlust. Again. And way to watch out for Bella’s safety there, Edward! Good thing you were making sure you were ravenously hungry while you were sexing her up. Begs the question as to why the fuck he beat her up so badly the first night—he was completely full then!

MRS. HYDE: We finally have the announcement. After Wardo stupidly frets at Bella that he’s “losing [his] mind here”, Bella informs Wardo and the audience that the Mystery Box she’s been contemplating is the box of tampons that Alice packed her. Seeing them made her realize that, gasp shock, she’s late and that must mean that she’s pregnant.

And now you see what I mean—SMeyer is the queen of holding our hands through her plot twists, subtly foreshadowing them miles back and so blatantly spelling it out that we know exactly what’s gonna happen before we ever get there. Here, she did the complete opposite. Because not only in every chapter previous, in every book previous, when has Bella ever mentioned having her period? For a novel told by a teenage girl written for teenage girls, that particular teenage girl issue is conspicuously absent. Her period wasn’t mentioned at all. It was treated like a non-issue, like skipping writing about bathroom breaks. Either you talk about it because it’s something she thinks about, or you don’t. And so to suddenly bring it up, it feels incredibly forced and leaves the reader feeling wrong-footed. It’s not just the lack of periods—it’s Bella specifically. How can we react like she wants us to when we know nothing about it? A few paragraphs later, Bella dramatically informs us that she’s never been a day late in her entire life. That would mean something to us if you’d ever established it! You’re trying to use Bella’s period as a plot device when her period up to now has been utterly absent. This would be like you writing that Bella backed Wardo up against Victoria in Eclipse with that bazooka—because she’s been carrying that around since Twilight. Haven’t you guys been paying attention? This is a Chekhov’s Gun misfire. The trope says that if you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it’s not going to be fired, it shouldn’t be hanging there—but the converse is true, too! Gotta say, SMeyer, if you’re going to fire that rifle, you’d better have it hanging on the wall in the first place! Otherwise, it’s called an Ass Pull—as in, this was pulled out of your ass at the last minute. Which is exactly what we have here.

MERVIN: Ordinarily, I’d be bashing her for this bizarre conclusion—she sees a box of tampons, realizes her period is a little late, and immediately assumes that something she thinks is completely impossible and hasn’t thought about once in this novel has happened. What the fuck? This would normally be just like what happened in chapters six and seven of Twilight. “Oh, look—some young kid tells me an ancient Indian legend that I put zero stock into, all in an effort to impress me. CLEARLY, THE CULLENS ARE VAMPIRES DESPITE THE FACT THAT I DON’T THINK VAMPIRES ARE REAL AND THERE IS NO EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT THAT.” Except no, that is not what this is. Bella has never been a day late in her life! That’s a reasonable conclusion.

It’s also a new count.

Bella has never been a day late in her life. EVER. Later on, we’ll be seeing just how literally she means that. She has a textbook period. Unrealistically so. When she says never, she means it. She hasn’t been late not even one day in her entire life since she’s been having these things when her menarche set in.

THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE.

First off, there is a built-in plus or minus in every woman’s cycle. It could be a little early, it could be a little late by a few days. No woman is a stopwatch—the only way you can be a stopwatch is if you’re on birth control, which would render this situation moot. Not only that, but periods are touchy, touchy items. The above only counts if everything is ideal, peachy-keen, and all your organs in your body are rockin’ along harmoniously. The slightest thing can throw off a period. Thyroids going nuts, other organs in your body suffering problems, weight gain, weight loss, stress, exhaustion (WHICH EDWARD HAS BEEN INFLICTING UPON HER), illness, anything. You can skip one entirely, cause it to be late by a week or two, have nothing but spotting for a full month, or make one last two weeks where you bleed like a stuck pig the whole damn time.

Bella has stress in her life. A lot of it. Whether it’s manufactured or not isn’t the issue. You could argue that she has clinical depression, and that affects periods. James beat her up back in Twilight, breaking her ribs and punching her to the point that her whole body was bruised, and apparently, that had zero effect whatsoever on anything going on in there. Not only that, but most of the time, when a girl first starts her period, IT TAKES A LITTLE WHILE TO EVEN OUT. Like Mrs. Hyde said up there, we’ve had zero establishment of Bella’s cycle! Considering her boyfriend is a vampire, you’d think this one actually would’ve been mentioned! It would’ve been a great thing for Meyer to set up as part of the bloodlust issue, “dead blood” or not, and then have it come back and be the harbinger of her pregnancy! But no, no—instead, she decides to do it this way, with a brand new count that is going to be the star of part one of this chapter. YOU FAIL SCIENCE FOREVER.

YOU FAIL SCIENCE FOREVER: 1

I know she’s failed science before, guys. But here? It’s out of control. How bad is it? Meyer’s fans, which we can all agree are some of the dumbest people in existence, called her out on how unrealistic this is. And what makes it so bad is that yeah, it’s no more unrealistic than it ever was, but now she’s not just handwaving it. She is using science to back up her claims. She is actually trying to justify what she’s doing by saying that it’s all rational and logical and makes perfect scientific sense.

Yeah. This count is just getting warmed up.

MRS. HYDE: Yes, yes it is. Bella holds our hands, though, because despite telling us that her period is five days late, which everybody knows what being late means, she now has to do this.


His facial expression didn't change. It was like I hadn't spoken.

"I don't think I have food poisoning," I added.

He didn't respond. He had turned into a sculpture.

"The dreams," I mumbled to myself in a flat voice. "Sleeping so much. The crying. All that food. Oh. Oh. Oh."


SUBTLE FORESHADOWING: 23

HAND-HOLDING: 21

Get your paws off me! Of course, I am rather distracted from all of that, because look at what Wardo’s doing. He’s doing…nothing. He is literally sitting there like a stump staring stupidly at nothing. This really doesn’t make me believe that his mind works so much faster than mine, SMeyer. We don’t even really hear what his expression is. He’s just sitting there, utterly blank. Wardo, as played by Resusci Annie. But we really shouldn’t be surprised—what does he ever do in situations that are dramatic and require an emotional response? And you know, an emotional response would be nice at this point. I know SMeyer’s trying to convey shock, but she’s gone too far. It just looks like apathy—or catatonia.

MERVIN: No, it is, against all odds, a visual DULL SURPRISE in written media. I didn’t even know you could do that. Bella announces she’s pregnant, and Edward reacts by turning into a statue. And that’s it. Meyer’s writing is so bad that she managed to show that he’s a bad actor. That’s impressive.

However, I have to go back to Bella’s dialogue. The DREAMS are somehow indicative of a pregnancy?! You have got to be kidding me. You know, my mom had weird dreams when she was pregnant. But she only had them after she ate Hell on the Red salsa, and the dream she had was always the same one of my dad running off with another woman (hence the reason that was the only craving he would not let her satisfy because she’d wake up mad at him and beat him with a pillow). She didn’t DREAM THE FUTURE!!! How on earth does that work?!

MRS. HYDE: It doesn’t.

MERVIN: Oh, shut up.

MRS. HYDE: I am a shut up. Moving on.

Bella touches her stomach and then leaps to her feet—while Wardo is still sitting there—and runs to the mirror. She pulls up her shirt and what do you know! Seventeen days later, there’s already a baby bump. I think we can all agree that there are some problems with this.

First, once again, Bella has proven that she is the most unobservant protagonist on the face of the planet. HOW DO YOU MISS THAT? And don’t tell me the sex was just that great, because WARDO missed it, too! He’s supposed to be able to tell every minute difference in her appearance at any given moment, he has been seeing her naked or nearly nude for the ENTIRE TRIP, and he missed that big one. Right. But that’s not all he missed—you guys remember how, back in Twilight, there was the “Shopping with Alice” aside where Alice made Bella eat and informed her that she had to do that because she feared Wardo’s wrath—because Wardo would be able to smell her blood sugar or tell if Bella was anemic if she didn’t. And don’t try to argue that that’s an outtake so it doesn’t count, because in canon, in chapter twenty-four of Twilight, Bella had a couple of transfusions and Wardo could smell the difference. He didn’t like it. He can smell the slightest changes in her blood, and now she’s pregnant with demon spawn, going through wild hormonal and physical changes to the point that she’s having morning sickness, prophetic dreams, mood swings, and an insane appetite, and he just didn’t notice this whole time? SMeyer? Did you forget that there were actual physical changes that go with a pregnancy, not just a cute baby bump and suddenly appears overnight?

YOU FAIL SCIENCE FOREVER: 2

MERVIN: Hell yes, there’s more to pregnancy than a baby bump. The first thing I’m gonna talk about is that morning sickness. Bella is just now getting it. She’s never been nauseous until the seventeenth day of her pregnancy, and by all of my calculations (working with what I had, anyway—working from dates in the Guide and in canon, it looks like the average nine-month human pregnancy has been compressed to span just one month meaning 1 day = 9 days), that means she is now the equivalent of twenty-two weeks. Yes, we all know about the accelerated pregnancy. So, twenty-two weeks. Morning sickness starts at around the sixth week if you’re gonna get it. And it usually stops by the twelfth. No, I’m not saying that that happens with all women. Everybody is different. However, I am still giving her a point.

YOU FAIL SCIENCE FOREVER: 3

Because this isn’t just one little fail. Because she’s twenty-two weeks pregnant after seventeen days! She has a baby-bump and this is the first stomach pain she’s ever felt—and it was only relating back to morning sickness. Honey? Do you even know what those nine months are for? They aren’t just to let the baby develop. Here, lemme show you something.

This is a normal human female. Look at all of her pretty squishy organs, all living in their proper places.


Here’s a human female when she’s at nine months.


That is some serious organ rearrangement going on there! And that’s not all that goes on. The skin is being stretched. The muscles are being stretched. Your UTERUS is being stretched! You do all of that too fast, and you wind up with Species II, and nobody wants that, because that was a terrible movie. The point is that trying to force that much change in a matter of two weeks means BELLA SHOULD BE DEAD. Or at the very least, in a great deal of discomfort and pain!

YOU FAIL SCIENCE FOREVER: 4

And to top it all off—seventeen days? You’re telling me that you became instantly preggers after the wedding night and were already displaying the symptoms you listed the very next morning? My ass! The human abdomen may not be all that big, but dude, the sex cells are just that—single cells. That’s a long way for one little cell to go! It can take a sperm cell three days just to reach the ovum! There is no way it could have gotten up the fallopian tube that fast!

MRS. HYDE: Don’t be ridiculous, Mervin—that is Meyerpire man-gravy. I bet Wardo’s little wigglers are all rigged up with outboard motors and just went ginnin’ up there in record time. I mean, if Wardo can get a glass of water at the speed of light, surely the little sparkle-spermies could manage a three-day swim in a couple of hours!

MERVIN: *withering look* Okay, fine—Edward’s super-sperm made the trip in record time. I’ll admit there is some speculation and controversy over just how long it takes for the actual act of conception to occur, with estimates ranging from thirty minutes to seven days, so I really shouldn’t harp on that too much. Fine—so Bella could have conceived on her wedding night…but that still is a total fail for her to be immediately pregnant the morning after! Conception occurs in the Fallopian tubes—but there isn’t a wide range of estimates about how long it takes the egg to travel to the womb and implant in the uterine lining—which is when the actual pregnancy begins. That takes on average eight days. So there is no way in hell Bella should have gotten her freak on on her wedding night and then sprang up from her bed the very next day with a bun in the oven! If nothing else, if the fetus is growing that fast, to the point that she can feel it moving after seventeen days, why the hell doesn’t she have an ectopic pregnancy?! If it’s growing that fast, it’d already be half the size of what it is now after the nine days it should have taken it to reach the uterus, and thus would have implanted in the Fallopian tube! There is no way all this could happen in seventeen days, no matter how you slice it!

YOU FAIL SCIENCE FOREVER: 5

And finally…she’s twenty-two weeks pregnant after seventeen days. Call it spite if you want to.

YOU FAIL SCIENCE FOREVER: 6

I don’t care that it’s supposed to be magically accelerated or some bullshit like that, because vampires aren’t supposed to be magic. There is no way this is realistic or reasonable. You fail science forever.

MRS. HYDE: And she keeps failing science forever, along with other stuff.

Bella says there is no way this should be possible. How right you are. Wardo is still just sitting there. Seriously, guys. He’s just sitting there. Bella finally says the line we talked about earlier, that she’s never been a day late in her life, and we’ve already said, “Yeah, right.” Which, you know what? That begs a question. You’ve never been a day late in your life. As such, you knew exactly when your period would be. So why the hell did you plan it so your period would be right in the middle of your honeymoon? Women on birth control schedule things like that around the white pills for that very reason. Did you deliberately time this so that you’d be having sex exactly when you’d be the most fertile?

MERVIN: Though I must say, kind of explains the horniness, doesn’t it?

MRS. HYDE: I suppose so. Bella says Wardo is on the floor, still sitting there and doing nothing. It’s starting to become really funny at this point. Bella says this can’t be pregnancy. “A strange South American disease with all the signs of pregnancy, only accelerated…” Mmm…yeah, it’s a tapeworm cyst. Those things can get as big as basketballs. *revolted*

MERVIN: Oh, God. *hides under her chair*

MRS. HYDE: You know, at this point, given that we all know what’s coming, I might actually prefer that.

MERVIN: *from under the chair* Actually, I’m now getting the image of Meatwad when he says he’s pregnant with the Second Coming (how fitting) and then they discover what he is really pregnant with.

MRS. HYDE: You know, both are equally vile.

Out of nowhere, Bella starts talking about how she remembers all of that oh-so-exhaustive research she did on vampires back in chapter seven of Twilight and mentions some of the names.


The Filipino Danag, the Hebrew Estrie, the Romanian Varacolaci, the Italian Stregoni benefici (a legend actually based on my new father-in-law's early exploits with the Volturi, not that I'd known anything about that at the time)…


MERVIN: Okay, I’ll give you that—she did mention the Danag, she did mention the varacolaci—which is actually a vârcolac—and the made-up one that is supposed to be Carlisle (that is a completely inaccurate description of what he is, because it said he was the enemy to all bad vamps, when in fact he was on great terms with the Volturi the whole time), but in her usual retconning style, she just threw in one that she claims she researched back then that we’ve never heard about until now. The Estrie. She never looked that one up. Though I gotta say, it was a good one to throw in. It’s a Hebrew vampire, and their big trait is that they EAT BABIES!!!!

MRS. HYDE: It’s been said before, so I won’t belabor it, but this point really highlights SMeyer’s lack of research into vampire lore. Mervin touched on it back in Twilight when Bella told us all about all the copious amounts of research she did that consisted of a really bad freeweb site filled with incorrect and made up information. But now, SMeyer was kind enough to bring that up for us so we could see once again just how badly she didn’t to the research: in all her searching and reading, Bella (and SMeyer) apparently never once heard of a dhampir—the half-vampire child, a very common device in lore and fiction (or, since the incubi shall be mentioned later, the cambion). SMeyer apparently never even considered that someone else might have had this idea before—and so her protagonists now look incredibly stupid and short-sighted to not have ever considered it.

MERVIN: Really, though, this isn’t about Estries or dhampirs or anything. It’s about the fact that Meyer is rectonning. Badly. Because now, we get to hear all about the research that we never saw—specifically, all of the research that Bella supposedly did about succubi and incubi. However, Bella tells us that the reason we never heard about it is because she’d pretty much dismissed them. Why?


They mostly seemed like excuses dreamed up to explain things like infant mortality rates — and infidelity. No, honey, I'm not having an affair! That sexy woman you saw sneaking out of the house was an evil succubus. I'm lucky I escaped with my life! (Of course, with what I knew now about Tanya and her sisters, I suspected that some of those excuses had been nothing but fact.) There had been one for the ladies, too. How can you accuse me of cheating on you — just because you've come home from a two-year sea voyage and I'm pregnant? It was the incubus. He hypnotized me with his mystical vampire powers…


Oh, I see. So all legends of succubi and incubi were created for the express purpose of covering up infidelity.

MRS. HYDE: *sigh* You idiot. If I went out and got pregnant and then claimed it was an incubus? I’d be laughed out of the room! You can’t just MAKE UP a story to cover up for it like that! The belief has to be there in the first place or else nobody’s gonna buy it! New legends weren’t created to explain unwanted pregnancies! Existing legends were exploited to explain unwanted pregnancies!

MERVIN: Not only that, but it wasn’t just unwanted pregnancy. When people would have deformed or diseased children, that was their way of explaining it—clearly, it was unnatural. It’s sad, but true. And the legend of the incubus didn’t start from infidelity. It started from THIS.


IT’S COMMONLY BELIEVED IT WAS SLEEP PARALYSIS. For those who don’t know, classic sleep paralysis is when you wake up out of a dead sleep where you were probably having some weird dreams and can’t move because you still have the muscle atonia that accompanies REM sleep to make sure you don’t hurt yourself by thrashing around. It’s often accompanied by the sensation of something looming over you or, in more extreme cases, something sitting on your chest and making it hard for you to breathe. Basically, people thought sleep paralysis was some supernatural creature attacking them in their bed. And similarly, the succubus legend ties in with nocturnal emissions. Clearly, if a guy cracks one off in his sleep accompanied by an erotic dream, there had to have been a demon there making him have impure thoughts and doing dirty things with his willy, trying to steal his precious bodily fluids. And also on the subject of a succubus, they didn’t just go around sleeping with men. They usually drained them over time, were stealing their semen (see?!) to use for their own purposes, or were sneaking in to kill the resident children and replace them with changelings.

MRS. HYDE: Actually, you shouldn’t complain about that, Mervin. She addressed that right there. See? The parentheses. She now establishes it canon right here in the main bulk, not just in Midnight Sun. The Denali women were supposed to be genuine succubi of legend. So not only were these women apparently sneaking into the houses of married men just so they could rape them, but, by some legends, succubi ate babies! Hey, Sasha!

MERVIN: *sourly* Shut up. There’s enough fail in here without bringing up baby-eating again.

MRS. HYDE: You’re right. Because here comes some more fail. Bella says that vampires can’t have babies, and says that succubi and incubi myths are all fables. But then she goes through and starts thinking more on it. Vampire women can’t have babies, sure, because their wombs are infertile rocks, and “human women's bodies had to change to bear children”. Oh, so you acknowledge this and still did it in seventeen days? Nice. But then, she realizes that that’s not the case for men! “Men had no such thing as child-bearing years or cycles of fertility.

MERVIN: *stares* That’s just flat-out wrong. Men do have that sort of thing. Sperm counts do lessen over time, and the ability to get an erection does start fading so sex becomes more and more infrequent.

YOU FAIL SCIENCE FOREVER: 7

MRS. HYDE: See, this is just the real problem with SMeyer trying to use science to explain her handwave here. “But Mervin!” she would say. “Wardo here is not an old man! He’s a seventeen-year-old boy!” And he’s been that way for over eighty years. Do his wigglers not have a shelf life? By your canon, SMeyer, his body is frozen as it is, so once he lost that one load of viable spermies he has, he shouldn’t be able to make anymore. You never talked about your vampires regenerating, only putting back together the pieces they have—in point of fact, you have explicitly mentioned that if you cut or pull out a vampire’s hair, it won’t grow back. Stands to reason that every other cell of their bodies is equally senescent. As such, your vampires should have even more limitations on them than human men do when it comes to reproduction. Maybe it’s a good thing that he never polished the knob. He should be good for only one shot!

YOU FAIL SCIENCE FOREVER: 8

Incidentally, guys, Wardo is still sitting on the floor.

MERVIN: To hell to Edward. I want to know why nobody ever took this into consideration. They knew about this, Bella easily realized this about a guy’s happy parts—are you trying to tell me that this moron is the only person smart enough to come to that conclusion? If you knew that men *snort* have no child-bearing years or infertility problems, apparently, why didn’t anybody think that maybe, just maybe, it was possible for a vampire male to get a human female pregnant? Well, I guess that they didn’t really want to think about it, because she only brought that up to make sure we all know that Edward and Bella are the most special couple in all existence.


Of course, how would anyone know if vampire men could father children, when their partners were not able? What vampire on earth would have the restraint necessary to test the theory with a human woman? Or the inclination?

I could think of only one.


MRS. HYDE: Yes, it’s not that Bella is that smart, it’s that Wardo is just so wonderful that he’s the first vampire dude in history to ever fall in love with a human woman to the point that he can sex her up and not eat her. That is exactly what I wanted to hear—more idiotic spewing from Bella that’s nothing but her trying to make this situation more unique and special than it actual is, because her need to feel unique and special at all times is a very disturbing thing. Hell, it’s even worse than her usual drum-beat of how amazing and awesome and special she and Wardo are, because you don’t even need to consider the spoiler from the future where we find out that yes, there is at least one vampire male out there who has fathered children with human women. All you need to point at is THE DENALI SISTERS. Succubi or no, there you go, Bella! You already know three vampires who have both the restraint and inclination needed to not kill their lovers! If there are at least three vampire women who do it, why the hell wouldn’t any vampire men do it?!

MERVIN: Really, it just makes her look incredibly arrogant to be talking like that, and also makes it clear that the rest of vampire society are a bunch of murdering bastards if you can honestly only think of one vampire ever who would even consider not murdering an innocent woman after he was done fucking her. Yeah, thanks for that, Meyer.

So, while Bella’s sitting there staring stupidly at her stomach and Edward is sitting on the floor staring stupidly at the wall, something happens that changes everything. It’s huge, monumental, and another science fail. The baby moves for the first time, to the point that Bella can feel it under her hand.

*rubs head* This idiot woman I’m dealing with here has been pregnant three times. I have to ask—was she unconscious for the full nine months every single time? How else could Meyer be so unaware and ignorant of how fetal movement works? This isn’t just fail with fetal development and how the mother’s body works. This is a fail with something Meyer herself should have experienced no less than three times. Fetal movement does not start with a baby ninja-kick like that. Fetal movement starts with what most doctors describe as feeling like popcorn. A lot of women don’t even know what it is—it feels like butterflies or like you’re gassy or something like that. Babies do a lot of little tiny movements—they don’t just kick and squirm. The majority of fetal movement is the popcorn. As such, for Bella’s first experience with fetal movement to be to the point that she can feel it outside of her body is ridiculous. You don’t start feeling that until the baby is a lot bigger than just a tiny bump.

“But Mervin!” you argue. “This is the Death Baby! It’s accelerated and strong!” Okay, fine. It’s accelerated and strong. Give me one reason why the kid waited around until basically twenty-two weeks—the week where most doctors tell you please come see us if you haven’t felt movement yet—to actually move at all. How did it just stand completely still the whole time in Bella’s womb and only pick the most dramatic moment where she discovers it to move?

I’ll tell you why.

SLEDGEHAMMER OF SYMBOLOGY: 13

YOU FAIL SCIENCE FOREVER: 9

But the explanation of the Symbology will have to wait for another time. That’s for part two.

Now you see why we are breaking this up. Because this section was absolutely nothing but a massive science fail. So often, it is unfortunately lost because so many people focus on what will be the third part of our recap. We felt it needed its time in the limelight.

MRS. HYDE: That, and you like drawing out my pain.

MERVIN: Shut up! I still remember what you did to me in Eclipse. “Oh, Mervin, you have to analyze chapter twenty-three! Your interpretive GIFs aren’t good enough! Noooo, we have to discuss it!” Well, Hyde, now we have to discuss chapter seven of Breaking Dawn, so sit down and shut up. Both of us will see you next time, guys.



Chapter 6 | Table of Contents | Chapter 7 (Part II)

(155 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


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From:(Anonymous)
Date:January 11th, 2013 03:05 am (UTC)
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Wow, a new count and it's already climbing. I have a question though: is the story set in the real world, because if it is then why is a half-vampire freak baby such a rare thing?
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From:albion_witch
Date:January 11th, 2013 03:27 am (UTC)
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Because Meyer doesn't live in the real world.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:January 11th, 2013 03:14 am (UTC)
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Thirteen science fails in a span of a couple of pages...I don't know whether to be embarrassed or disturbed...
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From:raxistaicho
Date:January 11th, 2013 04:14 am (UTC)
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9 ^^;
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From:albion_witch
Date:January 11th, 2013 03:26 am (UTC)
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I'm guessing Meyer was in denial when describing how Bella's pregnancy works. Granted, she used Charlie Chaplin as an example of how old men can still sire children, but Charlie Chaplin was still alive when he fathered Chris in 1962.

There's a reason why you can't impregnate a woman with the sperm of an Egyptian mummy unless it's "Tales from the Crypt".
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From:kawaiicow
Date:January 11th, 2013 02:53 pm (UTC)
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...
*crosses legs*
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From:sweettalkeress
Date:January 11th, 2013 03:27 am (UTC)
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The more I think of it, the more I realize that there's another science fail in the notion that male vampires can reproduce but females can't. Think about it: a man needs to constantly produce sperm because sperm cells don't live very long on their own; but a woman is born with all the eggs she'll ever have. By all rights, the sperm of a male vampire who's been around for awhile should have long since died. If anything, it should be easier for a female vampire to reproduce than a male one because she still has all her eggs.

Also, I've noticed a depressing tendency for all pregnancies written by Suethors (or even not-Suethors who are just very amateurish) to sound exactly the same: a character evinces all the most stereotypical symptoms of pregnancy with absolutely no variation, and then doesn't make the connection until forced to confront it (instead insisting that she's sick). Admittedly there's slightly more of an excuse not to suspect a pregnancy immediately here since vampires aren't supposed to breed and Bella is just stupid in general, but still....
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From:hoppytoad79
Date:January 12th, 2013 01:28 am (UTC)
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By all rights, the sperm of a male vampire who's been around for awhile should have long since died.

There's no 'should' about it. Sperm has a short shelf life. Meyer said her vamps are more science than magic.
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From:thelovelymissa
Date:January 11th, 2013 03:30 am (UTC)
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I remember reading this when I was thirteen. I tried to explain the pregnacy to my mom. She told me very bluntly that Bella's insides would have squished, her skin would have torn, and nine months is nine months for a reason. My mom has never been pregnant in her life. I chose chemistry over biology, and I can tell this is the worst kind of Ass Pulling.

On a similar note, Bella should be more worried about Malaria. You know, the illness that's common in Brazil. Symptoms include FATIGUE, VOMITING, BODY ACHES, AND FEVER. Signs show up seven to ten days after the bite. We never see her taking the pills that are recommended to avoid mosquitoes. (Shouldn't she have also gotten vaccines before she left? Some are routine, but they also want the Hep. A & B, typhoid, and rabies. I'll pass her on yellow fever since that's recent)
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From:lurkeriatipsos
Date:January 11th, 2013 11:50 am (UTC)
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Ohhhhhh, I wish Bella had gotten malaria.

First of all, lol blood-sucking creatures. It's like rain on your wedding day or something!

Also, malaria is a virus that lies dormant in red blood cells (or something. Right?) and periodically flares up and makes infected people symptomatic again. And there is no cure. It is in your blood forever.

I would love if Bella had been transformed, but since vampire bodies are completely unchanging (just made of diamonds), Bella had been stuck with malaria for all eternity.

She needs obstacles to overcome, gosh fucking darn it! That might actually add a shred of pathos or irony or just desserts or something that would make this book more than the literary equivalent of a poisoned twinkie!

*wheezes*
Sorry about that.
Carry on.
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From:lady_fofa
Date:January 11th, 2013 04:10 am (UTC)
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Looking over the stuff you mentioned with the Death Spawn's conception, I can only feel relieved that Meyer didn't give Bella twins. I'm pretty sure there would be more fail if Bella had two nudgers at the same time (and if Meyer did give Bella twins, I'm pretty sure it'd be a boy and girl pair so that she could have both Wardo the Second/Third/whatever and Renesbait).
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From:raxistaicho
Date:January 11th, 2013 04:16 am (UTC)
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Gah, don't call it a nudger D: I hated that word!
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From:raxistaicho
Date:January 11th, 2013 04:13 am (UTC)
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Hehehe, I sense epic rants approaching XD
From:(Anonymous)
Date:January 11th, 2013 04:21 am (UTC)
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I'm going to need more Miracle of Sound to stand the science stupidity.
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From:Mik Kim Shepherd
Date:January 11th, 2013 04:36 am (UTC)
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*angrily drumming fingers on desk* This is making me angry. Not the idea of her being unaware of common diseases in South America or the only thing she's worried about is the thought of a doctor shoving a needle in her body, this is Bella we're talking about. No, it's the fact that she's not worrying about the super-fast Demon Fetus in her body. There is nothing running through her brain that's telling her this is bad. Especially because, assuming that she really is the first ever to have sex with a vampire and live, they know nothing about this child and what could happen. Bella could be harboring an Antichrist for all she knows, and we get...no reaction except for another reminder that Edward is awesome.

*pauses*

Actually, if Bella turns out to be the mother of an actual Antichrist who is planning the Apocalypse, that would be interesting. Shame it'll never happen.
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From:ravenclaw_snark
Date:January 11th, 2013 04:50 am (UTC)
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Someone actually made an argument that Renesmee is the Antichrist. If you haven't seen it, the first part is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtAjf5PfD1c
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From:quicksilvermad
Date:January 11th, 2013 05:02 am (UTC)
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Guys, I think my brain is breaking. This book is hurting me—it must have hurt you both as well...

I keep thinking about all the "accelerated pregnancy/child growth" science fiction I've seen and this is the worst offender. So far. That I can remember. Look, it's hard to think when you're being prodded in the forehead by a book. Constant pressure in one spot hurts. I know. I've been strapped to one of those ambulance boards with my head immobilized.

All I know with certainty is that I'll end up dreaming about parasitic worms or Meatwad birthing millions of spiders once I finally go to sleep tonight.
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From:towerstanding
Date:January 11th, 2013 05:39 am (UTC)
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I'm not gonna lie. This bit right here freaks me out. You wanna know why?

Bella has never mentioned wanting kids. Never ever. She's wanted to be young and pretty and making out with Edward for the rest of her days. She also wants to sparkle. Fine, if that's what she wants, just fine.

But here? Bella's life view is altered. She's treating this baby like a miracle. Only one vampire could possibly get a woman pregnant? Let's ignore the factual inaccuracy and look at the tone. It's a miraculous, good thing to have happened.

Yes, a lot of women do look on getting pregnant as a good thing. But WHY SHOULD BELLA? This is going to screw up all her plans in life! This is going to completely change her future! Where's the shock? The bitterness? At the very least, where's the regret for the future that was just closed to her?

The reason this bothers me is because I don't want kids. I've been told that "when I find the right man" it will all be different. And hell. Maybe it will. But every girl I know who shares this sentiment gets a patronizing head shake and a "we'll see about that." All women must want to be moms, right?

As speshul as Bella is supposed to be, she's just turned into the cookie cutter 'good woman' that Meyer keeps hitting the readers over the head with. Good women are submissive, they find a man and settle down and make babies. What females aren't good in these books?

-Leah. Submissive? Nope. Maternal instincts? None that we've seen. Not even expressed in a round about way to look out for Seth, her little brother after their dad died. Awesome? Damn right she is. But we aren't supposed to like her.

-Rosalie. Not submissive. The lack of babies is used as a reason for bitchiness. Rosalie's little rant was essentially the "do you want to know how I got these scars?" rant made about being denied kids.

-Victoria. Turned evil when her mate was killed. Clearly would have been fine if only she'd had the emotional responsibility or raising a kid.

The entire tone of this revelation is just.... Just wrong.

I don't have a witty end for this. Just a general snort of disgust.

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From:lurkeriatipsos
Date:January 11th, 2013 11:58 am (UTC)
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Lifetime member or "never ever ever ever ever want to have children ever" brigade reporting for duty.

Seriously. I have younger cousins. I have seen small children with my own eyes.

Add to that everything that could possibly go wrong during a pregnancy, plus all the "normal" "small" discomforts that mothers-to-be cannot escape?

I just do not get the appeal. I need to do more nice things for my parents, because I do not get why anyone would voluntarily do this. I am firmly committed to living and dying without ever attempting to co-create or even be the slightest bit legally responsible for any baby ever.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:January 11th, 2013 05:52 am (UTC)
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Uh, hate to nitpick, but Hand-Handling? Where did that count come from? Is that a combination of Man-Handling and Hand-Holding?

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From:das_mervin
Date:January 11th, 2013 06:08 am (UTC)
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Fixed--I actually have no clue how that happened, given how we use the counts and tally them. Thanks!
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From:sitaspell
Date:January 11th, 2013 06:12 am (UTC)

Sooper Speshul Beh Beh

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Yeah, I remember the way this was introduced via tampon counting. I didn't notice all of the SUBTLE FORESHADOWING of the pregnancy the first time, so the reveal was hella random.

I can't wait until the "little nudger" part. I was literally rolling around on my bed laughing when I first saw that.

I didn't notice half of the more subtle fail in these books the first time I read them, but most of the crap I remember comes from Breaking Dawn.
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From:mage_apprentice
Date:January 11th, 2013 06:39 am (UTC)
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If Bella was slightly exaggerating the NEVER been late part, I'd believe it. As far as I recall, I've only been late a few times (like, single digit times), but I have been early countless times that it's kinda a norm for me.
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From:idiotalchemist
Date:January 11th, 2013 06:50 am (UTC)
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Yep, in all of vampire living memory, only Deadward has ever used his vampire sparkly looks to bang a human girl. Really?

And if I felt the slightest bit weird in ANY place known to have horrible, horrible parasites like South America does, I would book it to the nearest doctors PRONTO. Even the CATERPILLARS there can kill you if you step on them. Australia, at least you give quick deaths. South America wants to watch you squirm.

I think the pregnancy from Alien was less disturbing than how much Bella's internal organs should be fucking up.
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From:lang_ea
Date:January 11th, 2013 11:54 pm (UTC)
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Yeah, especially when I remember there were parasitic worms in the FUCKING DEW OF MOST VEGETATION. (Oddly enough, apparently it prevents asthma symptoms). But yeah, I just hope she even has the necessary shots (like, oh, polio, tuberculosis, the general stuff).
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From:carakasla
Date:January 11th, 2013 07:46 am (UTC)
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If there are at least three vampire women who do it, why the hell wouldn’t any vampire men do it?!

So...wait. Does this mean...in this aspect that women are better than men???

OH DEAR LORD, this is the best thing since that asshole Victorian era psychiatrist talked about how lowly criminals are and tried to awkwardly ass pull why women—who were generally looked at below men—where least likely to be criminals, so in turn, were better than men by his own arguement. (Found it! and he's still a dickhole who is covering his misogynic ass.)

All her bullshit about how slutty the Denali women are and how strong women are evil harpies and she shows her ass by having women have more self control and less murderous than men. Which is historically true.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

Edited at 2013-01-11 07:47 am (UTC)
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From:detritius
Date:January 11th, 2013 11:57 am (UTC)
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At the risk of being crude, SMeyer probably thinks female vamps can have sex with human men and not the other way around because female vamps don't have the mighty sparklepeen and therefore couldn't literally screw someone to death. This is the same woman who insisted that Edward wouldn't be able to have sex with Bella without injuring her because she's never heard of positions other than missionary (not in so many words, of course, because that would involve actually confronting the issue head on, instead of with much euphemisms and giggling).
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From:magykal
Date:January 11th, 2013 08:48 am (UTC)
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Ooh, it's up! Yay!

I'm loving your science failure count! :)
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From:_Dottie_Smith
Date:January 11th, 2013 09:03 am (UTC)
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Sorry I haven't been posting any Bill&John stuff - dissertation work and back to my final year of uni to deal with - but in reading my material for my module on insanity in Victorian England, I was in the middle of a treatise on asylums from 1837... and came across a discussion of the works of one Dr. Cullen....

I was rather freaked out.
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From:idiotalchemist
Date:January 11th, 2013 09:51 am (UTC)
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...I'm scared.
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From:detritius
Date:January 11th, 2013 12:03 pm (UTC)
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I'm glad you took time out to discuss the bad biology of this chapter, because it is so bad. I think I've read mpregs that made more of an effort to make biological sense than this nonsense. When I read Breaking Dawn for the first time, I honestly thought SMeyer had to be lying about having had kids, because this is so obviously not how it works that, if I didn't know better, I'd think it was written by someone with no knowledge of female anatomy at all, like a thirteen year old boy, or an alien. Now I can only assume that when she was pregnant, she was as oblivious to what was happening as her protagonist generally is.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:January 11th, 2013 02:31 pm (UTC)
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I know it's early in the sporking, but screw it, you got it see it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21Pjiaxz914 (don't know how to link videos)
From:(Anonymous)
Date:January 11th, 2013 02:51 pm (UTC)
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They could’ve been having a snowball fight or been playing in the mud and it would’ve had as much impact on the plot.

*nerdgasm* I just identified the CHAPTERS where those two scenes were from.
God, I miss Airhead. Especially in the face of all this PHAIL.

And I have a feeling the YFSF count will rocket in Jacob's part.
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From:ravenclaw_snark
Date:January 12th, 2013 12:33 am (UTC)
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So you see, Jacob, you can shapeshift into a giant wolf because CHROMOSOMES!!
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From:logansrunfan
Date:January 11th, 2013 04:22 pm (UTC)
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Great job you two. I actually learnt alot about women and pregnacy. Here`s some more vodka and margarita for part II.
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From:aikaterini
Date:January 11th, 2013 04:34 pm (UTC)
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/But no, it’s simply a note, obnoxiously addressed to “Mrs. Cullen”. He’s gotta remind her that she belongs to him, after all./

If their relationship was different, this could have been kind of sweet. But, yes, given how pompous and controlling Edward is, there’s no romance here.

/As usual, what she wants does not enter into his thinking and he condescendingly tells her, “Not likely, Bella.”/

If Edward was trying to help Bella by holding her hair back while she was vomiting, that would be one thing. But since he’s doing nothing more than just standing there – then, yeah, get out, Edward. She’s just vomiting. You’re not helping the situation and if you’re not going to hold her hair back, then there’s nothing that you really can do. Just stand outside and wait.

/MERVIN: DOCTORS MEAN NEEDLES. That’s why you won’t go to a doctor./

This is the same idiot who took off her neck brace because she didn’t want to ‘look stupid.’ Are we really surprised by this point?

/MRS. HYDE: Yes, it’s not that Bella is that smart, it’s that Wardo is just so wonderful that he’s the first vampire dude in history to ever fall in love with a human woman to the point that he can sex her up and not eat her./

And thus, Bella’s child is the first vampire-human hybrid ever, because she and Edward are just that special. Because dhampirs don’t exist in this world, evidently. Hey, Bella, Rayne from “Bloodrayne” and Blade called. They want you to know that you’re a deluded, pretentious, and self-important moron who has no idea what she’s talking about.

/You already know three vampires who have both the restraint and inclination needed to not kill their lovers!/

Yeah, but given Bella’s smug jab at Tanya and her family for being “succubi” (even though they *don’t* kill people, you petty, jealous idiot), I don’t think that we’re supposed to think favorably of them. After all, they’re prettier than Bella and one of them likes Edward! So, they must be evil no matter what they do.
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From:xxburningsoulxx
Date:January 11th, 2013 04:35 pm (UTC)
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I'll go out on a lim and say that she forgot what it's like to be pregnant or she's just stupid. Or both.
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From:charamei
Date:January 11th, 2013 05:27 pm (UTC)
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Actually, I think it's the beginning of the body horror.

Bella vomits for what seems from the writing to be quite a long time, then gorges herself. Then the baby's first kick is hard enough that she can properly feel it (and as we know from the future, soon enough Renespawn will be breaking Bella's pelvis with her foetal movements).

I'm not gonna say it's unrealistic, because I know plenty of women have had horrendous pregnancies. But for something that the writing is telling us is glorious and wonderful, there's a peculiar overemphasis on all the bad things about pregnancy even this early on. It's Meyer's classic show vs tell problem again.
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From:lang_ea
Date:January 11th, 2013 07:58 pm (UTC)
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Great spork, guys. Especially over how this example is just mind-numbingly stupid (and the woman was able to sell this retarded example of writing).

I'd like to point out about Bella's period though--a lot of girls wind up 'wolf-packing'. Which is a slangterm for when a group of girls wind up synchronising their menstrual cycle.

Guys and girls naturally emit pheromones, but as it turns out, if a girl (or a group of girls) were exposed to each other's pheromones for a time, their menstrual cycles start changing to match each other's. It can happen by hanging out with each other, it can happen from a sleepover, hell, even a dorm for female students of a boarding school can wind up going irregular before ultimately starting to have their periods at the same time.

I don't know how'd it be for Bella, given how she finds it a chore to speak with kids her age, but you guys still made a great point. She was violently beaten during the course of the series, and went through so much stress (like when Edward went to commit suicide, or previously when she was dumped she was stressed and depressed--all that could lead to immunosuppression and affect her period).

Plus, I can't believe SMeyer was rushing the writing, only to hash up the one great moment when Edward and Bella may discover they might have a child. Edward freezes, and goes catatonic--Bella makes incoherent and dull thoughts and realises too late that her body was changing. Even the original text feels SOULLESS. Yeah, Edward went catatonic. How funny. I've seen that in hundreds of sitcoms and bad writing. It would be more INTERESTING though if you made the scenario unique. I can see Edward treating her like a child (like always) and telling her not to be ridiculous, since she is pretty artless and prone to acting without thinking--until he freaks out over how the hell her stomach is slightly bulging JUST NOW (But, stomachs magically getting bigger in seconds feels a lot more...Prometheus-y and therefore more freaky).

And seriously, I've been through violent vomiting phases. I DO NOT want to be pulled back, or picked up, 'cause I'd be like, "BITCH, you don't even know if I'm even DONE yet."
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From:blacklily13
Date:January 11th, 2013 09:37 pm (UTC)
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If my boyfriend decided to pull me away while I was puking, he's inviting me to puke on his pants and shoes. Just saying.

Also, is it sad that I can kind of see someone freezing up when figuring out the news? I mean, I'm not sure how I would react if I were actually pregnant. My only scare made me panicky. My boyfriend hid it well enough, but if the topic came up, he would freeze up a bit before trying not to make me worry about it.

Granted, this is Edward we're talking about, and his big thing is all about how he's "Oh-So-Great", so your scenario of him patronizing her makes the most sense. *shrugs*
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