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January 24th, 2013

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07:35 pm - Breaking Dawn: Chapter 7 - Unexpected (Part III)
Chapter 7 (Part II) | Table of Contents | Book I Summary

Chapter 7 – Unexpected

Part III

MERVIN: It’s here. This is it. *exhale* Hyde, wake up.

MRS. HYDE: *is drunk*

MERVIN: *Keyboards Hyde into sobriety*

MRS. HYDE: *leaps up out of her seat* OW!!! *hurls an empty bottle at Mervin*

MERVIN: *ducks* That’s what you get for drinking all of that tequila and not sharing. Anyway, I gotta get this out of the way.

We’ve been dancing around the word for two parts now—this is where It comes up. The A-word. One of the biggest and most divisive issues of Breaking Dawn, a book loaded to the brim with big divisive issues. And the A-word is?


And to that, I say this.

Guys, I love this comm. You guys are the brightest, most civilized corner of the internet I’ve ever seen. I have actually seen a legit abortion debate start here where both sides rationally presented their viewpoints, both sides conceded on certain points, and in the end, they politely and amicably said they could understand the other’s viewpoint, but agreed to disagree and parted ways. I have literally never seen anything like that on the internet. Hats off to you guys. I have had to do minimal modding here. You guys are great! You’re awesome!

And you are SO not allowed to turn this particular post into an abortion argument.

MRS. HYDE: *raises hand* I’m on board with this too, guys. Abortion is one of the hottest and touchiest issues out there. But this is not a political comm! This comm is about sporking badfic. So, yeah, you can make points relating to how this particular issue comes across in the story or what you think SMeyer’s views might be based on how she presents the events in the text, but we are so not discussing abortion. That is asking for trouble and neither us want that here.

MERVIN: As such, I am hauling this out now.

If I catch anybody trying to start something on this issue, using inflammatory language, soapboxing, mocking one side or the other, bringing up political parties or religions and whether or not they are right or wrong, random discussions of what you would be doing in this situation, or anything like that, this will be swung, and it will be heard throughout LiveJournal, and your shame will be great.

I am serious this time, guys. This is not up for debate. There are no second chances. I will kill any thread starting an argument immediately—or even a discussion about abortion itself. That isn’t allowed here, and I will judge whether or not you get to keep commenting, which does mean possible bannination. If you are unsure about whether or not your response is appropriate? Don’t post it.

MRS. HYDE: We’re aren’t saying that you can’t talk at all guys. You’re more than welcome to discuss how this relates to the story, how badly it was handled, and how the presentation would have angered so many fans and antis. But all we ask is that you keep it objective, and please, stay on topic.

Because quite simply, the topic isn’t abortion. The topic is not what political party supports it and what party doesn’t. The topic isn’t whether or not religion should factor into it. The topic isn’t about what you would be opting to do in Bella’s situation.

The topic is Chapter Seven of Breaking Dawn.

MERVIN: If anything, look what happened back in Chapter One. People got off topic of the sporking and started talking about religion in a way that didn’t relate back to the recap, things got out of hand, and it attracted trolls and was offensive to other members. Do you really want that happening again? Because I don’t. Because I have to deal with it. Don’t cause me trouble, guys. Don’t go talking about abortion for abortion’s sake, and don’t go bashing one side or the other in any way, Meyer herself included. *glare*

MRS. HYDE: Keep it cool, fellas. Can’t we all just get along? *tries to start mixing more margaritas in secret*

MERVIN: I see you doing that! *takes her tequila and hides it*

So, when we last left off, Bella was staring out at the ocean and marveling at how her baby was going to be the most beautiful baby that ever existed because surely it was going to simply be Edward in miniature. Yes, we went into all of the creepy implications. As she stares at the water, hoping for the baby to symbolically nudge her again, Edward shows back up. He is, as Bella describes him, “cold”, “empty”, and “hard”.

MRS. HYDE: So, business as usual then, huh? Here is a real problem that SMeyer has consistently had through the books. She doesn’t adjust her stock vocabulary and descriptions of people to work with her vampires. If your average human was described as looking cold, hard, and empty, we’d have a pretty good idea as to what that means! It means their face is set, or they are pale, or they are cold and lacking emotion. The only problem with this is that her vampires are already like that to begin with—those are the words she always uses to describe them! This is how Wardo is all the time. SMeyer’s had this problem since Twilight.

MERVIN: However, going with what Meyer intended, we know what this is supposed to be. Pretend he isn’t like that all the time. Bella said in the previous section that Edward scares her right now. Yo, Edward—do you plan on ever comforting your wife, maybe even speaking to her like a human being and telling her what you’re doing, or even just ACKNOWLEDGING HER PRESENCE at any time in this situation? All you’ve been doing this whole time is having a rage and excluding her from whatever is troubling you. You’ve been doing it for an hour, Airhead or no.

MRS. HYDE: That’s because he’s an asshole. But hey, you get your wish—he acknowledges her presence! He sees her crying and rushes over, asking if she’s hurting at all. She says no, and was obviously about to launch into an explanation as to how she feels. However, he has no time for that and quickly cuts her off. What he has to say is much more pressing.

"Don't be afraid. We'll be home in sixteen hours. You'll be fine. Carlisle will be ready when we get there. We'll take care of this, and you'll be fine, you'll be fine."

"Take care of this? What do you mean?"

He leaned away and looked me in the eye. "We're going to get that thing out before it can hurt any part of you. Don't be scared. I won't let it hurt you."

And a hell of a lot more infamous.

Yep—there it is, guys. One of the biggest, most controversial quotes of this whole book, and what ended up painting a big fat target on its back for fans and antis alike. That right there is where SMeyer’s happy little Mary Sue fantasy starts coming apart. However! We need to take this slowly. We need to peel it apart piece by piece and savor it.

I for one wanna start with the first paragraph of Wardo’s dialogue there. This is where SMeyer’s tendency to draw out the drama by not actually telling us what’s going on until the very end for a big Dramatic Prairie Dog reveal has just turned on her and bitten her on the ass. Honestly, that’s all that is. This is exactly the same writing style that I lambasted in part one of this chapter, when Bella was putting so much effort into not saying that she was counting the days since her period or tell us that she was holding a box of tampons until the very end of the segment for maximum drama (despite the fact that we the readers could clearly see what was going on). Here, it’s the same; notice how Wardo is clearly avoiding saying what he’s gonna do until the very end, leaving the audience to guess—especially after that long run of Dead Herrings from part two that made it obvious what was going on, even if Bella was too stupid to see it. That’s basically what that is—it’s the climax of the Dead Herring Run. We just had a long string of SMeyer insisting that Wardo is worried about the baby, Wardo didn’t get to the point until the very end, and then GASP SHOCK, what a stunning revelation! He’s not worried about the baby, he wants to get rid of it! It’s really nothing new.

Except the topic is new.

Instead, rather than a long string of Dead Herrings wondering whether or not Wardo loves Bella and Wardo taking his sweet time to tell her like in New Moon, now it just looks like Wardo is hiding what he’s thinking from her. He has officially decided that she’s going to get that baby taken out of her, and that is that. He refuses to tell her that that is what is gonna happen until she actively demands he tell her what he’s talking about. So, rather than drama, Wardo just comes off as a raging asshole.

MERVIN: I gotta say, just look at the text itself, though. I think what you said the Big Reveal looks like is actually closer to the truth. Even at the reveal it honestly doesn’t look like he’s talking to Bella. It looks like he’s talking to himself. Yeah, he’s telling her not to be scared, telling her that she’ll be fine, but it mostly sounds like he’s saying all of that to reassure himself that she will be safe and sound for his keeping. Because this isn’t about her. We’ve already seen that. He has not said one word of comfort or anything to her in over an hour. He’s been wrapped up in his own concerns this entire time. The only words he spoke to Bella from the second she revealed the unused tampons to now were that Carlisle thinks she’s pregnant and they are going home. That’s it. He has said nothing else until now. He didn’t explain why he was afraid, he didn’t ask her how she was feeling, he didn’t even tell her anything Carlisle told him. He didn’t seem to think that was very important at all. But then you add this part. Before, it just seemed like the usual—Bella is to be seen, not heard, and he will only tell her things that he thinks she needs to know. Now? It looks a lot darker. Now it seems like he was indeed actively keeping it from her—because he knows she might object if she knew what he was plotting. No, that’s not really what it was—but that’s what it looks like. The way he skates around the subject, is furious and angry in a way that he knows usually scares her into silence so that she won’t question him or talk to him and just do as he says—yeah, guys. This is unpleasant. And as a result, it gets a combo count.



MRS. HYDE: You know, I think Wardo here is about to prove Mervin’s point. Bella actively gasps in horror, because how could he call her beautiful Wardo-clone that thing? Wardo? Doesn’t notice. You’d think he would—that was very obvious and clearly not the reaction he would’ve expected. He’s talking like she should be afraid, so this is one of two things. Either it is as I’ve always said—he doesn’t know Bella at all, to the point that he can’t guess her emotional state or even tell when she has an emotional reaction, no matter how blatant. Or it’s what Mervin said—he doesn’t care! What he’s feeling is taking priority right now. He doesn’t have time for what Bella thinks or feels. Baby’s comin’ out, Wardo has spoken! Hop in the stirrups there, Bella!

MERVIN: Yes, he quickly is distracted from Bella being obviously appalled by what he just said because the superstitious brown people are back. Before you ask, “Why the hell are they here?” like Hyde did, just wait. You find out. It’s really dumb. Edward goes off to undoubtedly yell at Gustavo for daring to interrupt his shitfit. While he yells at the help—because that’s what they’re there for, right?—Bella swoons and is completely at a loss. She still cannot comprehend that Edward would call her baby a thing and that he wants Carlisle to rip it out. She calls the baby a boy again—


—and then gives us the big reveal! “I'd gotten it wrong before. He didn't care about the baby at all. He wanted to hurt him.

*wryly* No shit. Thanks, as always, for tellin’ us. We might’ve missed it.


MRS. HYDE: However, on a more serious note, this is also a couple of these points.


Firstly, you guys have no clue what that is in there, and that being the case, you don’t know if it’s even possible to remove it without hurting Bella. You don’t know what complications there could be, how tightly it’s tied up in her system right now, what other physiological changes it’s caused—I guess this just goes hand-in-hand with Carlisle’s over-the-phone diagnosis. Why worry? It’ll just pop right off like a wart! Hell, Carlisle’s so awesome he could probably do this procedure on his kitchen table lit by an itty-bitty book light with unsterilized equipment out of his old-fashioned doctor’s bag!

MERVIN: Yes, I’m sure. But, as you saw, that was two Science points. The reason for that?

Hey, Carlisle. I’m glad to see that you’re still adhering to patient’s rights.

Do you have any idea how many laws and codes of ethics that he is violating right now? We’re not talking modern ones, either. He didn’t ask Bella about this at all. He didn’t tell her this at all. He obviously told Edward that Bella was in mortal peril. And yes, she is. He is so brilliant he of course knows that this pregnancy will kill her. But hey—maybe it’s just logic. She is twenty-two weeks pregnant after seventeen days. Stress of that alone would do it, monster fetus or no. And…he didn’t think she needed to hear this. Carlisle is keeping very vital information from his patient. You can’t do that. That’s a serious violation of ethics, and it’s a crime. But you can even throw out the crime part—this is wrong. This is her life. Why didn’t the doctor think the patient would want to know that there is a high possibility that this pregnancy will kill her?

MRS. HYDE: Because Bella’s not the patient, Mervin. This is about Wardo and his peace of mind. It’s always about Wardo. At this point, Bella as his wife is just an extension of him. Why would you tell your foot that you’re about to have an operation done on it? This is basically just Carlisle once again thinking solely of making sure that Wardo’s happy and kept alive. It’s the only reason he finally relented and agreed to turn Bella, after all—because if Bella isn’t turned, she grows old and dies and when she does, Wardo commits suicide. Carlisle does everything in his power to make sure that Wardo is nice and happy, up to and including this.

*thinks* You know what? I hate that guy, too.

MERVIN: And it’s still not done, though! He kept the important diagnosis and risks from her—and kept the treatment from her, too! He just talked to Wardo, told him everything he should’ve been telling Bella, and didn’t tell her jack shit! He didn’t tell her her options, just informed Edward what he was going to do and told him to bring Bella back here so he could do it! He didn’t ask Bella anything. You are supposed to ask the patient if they consent to the treatment—doctors do not perform anything, from skin tag removal to heart transplants, without discussing it with the patient and getting their consent first.

Carlisle is the worst doctor in the world. And because I am angry, he gets another one.


Up yours, Dr. Shipman.

MRS. HYDE: Back to Bella. Bella is currently having another vision about her “pretty baby”. Oh, great—now she sounds just like Rosalie in Eclipse in chapter seven, and she’s even got a Jocasta complex to go with it. The transformation is now complete. Anyway, said vision is her imagining, near as I can tell, Wardo and Carlisle killing it—and no, we don’t mean removing the fetus, we mean ripping the living, breathing, already-born baby from her arms and killing it. That’s her imagined scenario. Oh, and it’s a boy.


MERVIN: Spoiler alert, guys—Meyer just wrote Bella envisioning that about her precious Edward Cullen, and she never thinks ill of him in the slightest. Ever. She just made it clear that this is how she feels his decision is—this isn’t about right or wrong or reproductive rights, this is her personal belief. As far as she is concerned, that is a real baby inside of her, it’s alive, and she just imagined Edward killing babies—specifically, hers. And she’s fine with this. She’s freaked out, but not enough to get mad at him for it. Well, shouldn’t be surprised—she didn’t seem to be mad at Sasha for eating babies, either.

MRS. HYDE: Oh, and don’t think we missed that bit of human bashing you tried to slide in there, SMeyer. “My weak arms not enough to protect him”? I’m sure a vampire could, but humans suck, so no dice.

MERVIN: Bella promptly throws two more dead fish at us. After thinking frantically that she probably won’t be able to reason with either Edward or Carlisle, she announces that this is probably the vision that Alice saw—them forcibly removing the baby. That explains it all! It explains it all so much she says it twice.


And it’s a boy.


And it’s a beautiful boy.


And after remembering how beautiful her little boy is gonna be, she declares—selflessly, naturally, that she “would not allow it”!


And then the entire thing gets put on hold for more racism, because we haven’t had nearly enough of that yet. I mean, it’s chapter seven and the count’s only at sixteen! It was all the way up to thirty-nine by that chapter in Eclipse, after all! Let’s get those numbers up, people!

MRS. HYDE: And they do. Turns out it wasn’t Gustavo who arrived earlier, as Wardo had assumed. Because he, once again, apparently turned off his telepathy. He’s done that so many times with these people. Really, it’s just what I was talking about before. SMeyer refuses to change human tropes and writing conventions that don’t apply to vampires. She relies on them to make her points for her—i.e., Wardo being so tense and worried he’s not really thinking and making mistakes—but instead it just looks like he’s turning off his mind-reading. Anyway, it’s Kaure, and she is appropriately timid and quiet as Wardo yells at her.


Why is he yelling? Well, Kaure brought some food for them both. “It's an excuse — she wants to make sure I haven't killed you yet.” Bella informs us that on a good day, Wardo would’ve “rolled his eyes” at this.


Two points total on that one. One for the backwards brown people still believing the impossible and one for Wardo and his condescending mockery of it. We repeat—oh, you non-Caucasians!

Bella then wishes that she could thank Kaure for her concern, and she does it in a way that bumps the racism count two more times, and bumps up another one! Firstly, we get more emphasis on how meek and cowed the brown person is around Mighty Whitey.


Then Bella says that she wishes she could speak Portuguese—or maybe just knew more Spanish. ‘Cause the languages are the same thing, right?


MERVIN: This isn’t the first time Meyer has had trouble with Portuguese vs. Spanish. Remember, Hyde? When she had everyone speaking Spanish while Edward was in Rio in that New Moon aside?

MRS. HYDE: Yep. And I have heard from native speakers that while the written languages are very close, Portuguese speakers have trouble understanding spoken Spanish and vice versa. They are very different languages—they’re as different as French and Italian. I don’t deny that there are people in Brazil that speak both languages, but the fact that Bella thinks the languages are interchangeable makes her (and her creator) look incredibly ignorant—and incredibly racist, because it almost seems like she thinks the ethnicities are interchangeable, too.

MERVIN: And here’s the other count. Why does Bella want to thank her so? Because she is the “woman who had dared to anger a vampire just to check on [her]”.


“Dared to anger”. Meaning you not only know that they are fully capable of killing humans, but that it’s a genuine risk—including with Edward, who is supposed to be different and amazing and wonderful and who respects human life. There is a risk here that Edward is gonna tear Kaure in half because she made him mad, and you don’t have a problem with this.

After that, though, things get…dumb. Kaure brought something made of onions and fish for them—I have no clue what it is, and I’m not really sure how it got here or where she was storing it. It’s just an uncovered dinner plate full of food that she brought all the way from the mainland. However, when she puts it on the counter, the smell makes Bella gag. Edward is ineffectual and just puts his hands all over her face, because that’ll help. You learn that in med school, champ? He quickly puts the food in the fridge while Bella pukes in the sink again, and after all of that, the baby moves again—in a “tentative” fashion this time.



Bella tells herself that everything is okay and then “instinctively” puts her hands on her stomach. And that right there—the horfing into the sink and Bella putting her hands on her stomach—is enough to make Kaure instantly realize that Bella is pregnant with Edward’s hellspawn.

MRS. HYDE: Well, of course she can do that, Mervin—she’s a brown person. She’s mystic and closer to earth—as is evidenced by her response. First, Wardo—for no reason—puts Bella behind him to protect her. From…what, exactly? Kaure’s not mad at Bella. And when I say mad, I mean she is. Kaure just starts screaming at Wardo and shaking her fists at him. And when Wardo moves towards her, Bella informs us that she reaches up to stop him because she apparently thinks Wardo is about to hurt Kaure.


But no, he isn’t going over there to pop her head off like a bottlecap. He is now “pleading”, but he’s not speaking Portuguese. It’s Kaure’s native language, which I assume is Ticuna (SMeyer never bothers to tell us), which just amazes Kaure, to the point that she pauses her tirade and concern for Bella’s life just to look at him “in wonder”. Uh, why? She had zero trouble believing that he’s some sort of supernatural demon that preys on women, but the fact that he speaks an extant language spoken by 40,000 people is just too much for her to handle?

MERVIN: Nah. It’s his whiteness again, I’ve no doubt. He surely speaks it so beautifully that she must pause and think about how beautiful it is.


And I’m not afraid to say that—because that’s what Bella did in chapter six, talking about how Edward speaks better Portuguese than the native Brazilian. I mean, there was absolutely no reason for him to speak it in the first place if Portuguese was suiting them fine this whole time. I guess he wanted to show off that he knows another language.

MRS. HYDE: Kaure starts talking then in Ticuna, asking Wardo a long question, to which Wardo nods yes. After that, Kaure steps back and crosses herself.

MERVIN: VODOU!!! I knew it! Jobu! Save us from this monstrosity!

But, in all seriousness, why did we just have all of this Ticuna Indian mysticism now accompanied by a stereotypical Christian symbol just tossed in there for drama? Really, Vodou is the only thing that makes sense here. I thought Catholics were evil, anyway.

Well, after that, Edward calls Kaure back over and puts his hand all over Bella’s face. Yes, that’s exactly what happens. Don’t ask me. I can’t tell you. Kaure fusses for a bit, then approaches them, and—for no reason—mimes pregnancy. Seriously. She just mimes it. I thought Edward could understand her. Why is she suddenly resorting to grunts and signs?! Well, Bella is stunned by this and immediately draws the conclusion that this obviously means that Kaure’s legends also include vampires knocking up humans. From her miming pregnancy.


MRS. HYDE: I just wanna know that if these legends are so wide-spread and clearly believed, how in the hell do the Volturi not know about this? For that matter, how do the Cullens not know about this? Did they just assume that, because they were stupid brown humans, that they didn’t need to take any of their legends or beliefs into consideration? I suppose it’s kind of like those stupid brown humans up in Washington that have all of those stupid superstitions about turning into werewolves—oh, wait.

However, it’s time for high drama. Wardo asks a few more questions, and then Kaure dramatically steps forward and places her hand on top of Bella’s stomach. And then, softly, deliberately, she intones, “Morte.


Seriously, guys. All of the non-white ethnicities are interchangeable for SMeyer. Slap Kaure in beads and buckskins and put a feather in her hair and she could’ve just said, “Uewatsu.” They really are all the same to her—they are all brown, mystic, and speaking in grunts and monosyllables to the white masters.

MERVIN: And after she leaves, we get more fail regarding Meyer and her terrible, terrible memory. Edward’s a statue again—and it’s still funny—and a few seconds after Kaure is out the door and gone, Bella hears the boat start up and drive off. It’s official—Meyer just forgot that Edward and Bella had to walk through the jungle a good distance before they reached the house. Just like she forgot that in chapter six, she was showing off Edward’s super-hearing and made it so only he could hear the boat arriving, and also forgot that Edward can read minds. He should’ve heard her coming, for one, and not mentioned Gustavo at all, because he wasn’t here! Not only that, but why was he asking all of these questions? He should’ve been able to just pluck the information right out of Kaure’s mind! What, was it for Bella’s benefit? Because it looked more dramatic? I think the latter, because A) Bella hasn’t mattered once in this scene, and B) when Bella leaves to go brush her teeth again, Edward makes it a point to tell her that that’s nonsense, and those legends are just “old lies for the sake of entertainment”. Yes, the (supposed) Ticuna mythology and lore? They are all old lies made up for the sake of entertaining the white people.


Racism aside, he clearly doesn’t want Bella to know that death is in the cards. Her weak, feminine brain just couldn’t handle it, I suppose (which is just funny, because it really sounds like he’s not reassuring her about anything, but that he’s in denial—meaning it’s his weak, feminine brain that can’t handle it). However, we now know from Kaure here that death is indeed in the cards for Bella as a result of her demon pregnancy. Okay. So, uh…if we didn’t know until now, why the hell was Edward in such a hurry to get rid of the baby? It’s dumb enough that nobody involved with this thought that Bella’s death could be a possibility, given the fact that the pregnancy is bizarre and accelerated, but then to just make all of his decisions based on…I honestly don’t know. I have no idea why he suddenly decided to kill it with fire before he found out that Bella was in serious danger. No clue. And on top of that, now that he does know and clearly doesn’t want Bella to know, why is he being so dramatic and insistent that they remove it? That’d be like telling a person that, “No, no, your heart is fine—but I think we’ll get you a transplant anyway just for the hell of it!” Congratulations, Edward—if she didn’t know before, she sure does now! Yeah, they’re all lies—that’s why you clearly reacted with such panic and horror and obviously believe every word she said! You know what? I think I’m giving you one of these:


In-story, Edward is trying to mislead Bella by insisting that IT COULDN’T BE WHAT IT ACTUALLY IS. Smooth.

MRS. HYDE: Well, after Wardo stops performing the fish-slapping dance, Bella does what Bella does best and promptly lies—she says she didn’t understand a word of what Kaure said. Then she holds our hands through the explanation. She explains that her saying she didn’t understand “wasn't entirely true”. Because, you know, her saying earlier that she understood what the word “morte” meant didn’t tip us off.


Then she explains that legends are so real. Because, you know—all of the fakey legends that SMeyer has made up and written coming true all through this series also didn’t tip us off!


Though it does, once again, make Wardo look like a complete dumbass for not thinking that maybe, just maybe, this one might be true, too!

Bella asks when they are leaving, and Wardo declares as soon as her teeth are brushed. When she’s done, she asks him to please go pack some food. This is clearly a diversion. Bella is just trying to get him away so she can have a few minutes alone. She even says it is. Wardo buys it. And then he utters the creepiest dialogue ever.

"Of course," he said, his eyes suddenly soft. "Don't worry about anything. We'll get to Carlisle in just a few hours, really. This will all be over soon."

Why do I suddenly have the vision of him advancing upon her with a smile on his face, a cloth full of chloroform in his left hand and a rusty coathanger in the right? Your viewpoints on the issue don’t matter—that’s creepy as fuck.

MERVIN: I just got the image of him looking like this in an effort to reassure her.

Now I’m seriously regretting not including the I’M GONNA RAPE YOU count for this book.

So, yeah. We are all in agreement here. Creepy. As. Fuck.

By the way—the creepy dialogue kind of distracted me from a different fail. Edward just said that they’d be home and with Carlisle in a few hours. It took them almost two days to reach this island from Forks. What the hell kind of plane is he planning on hopping to get them back to Forks in a few hours? Maybe that was the arguing—he was trying to get someone to loan him their SR-71.

…Wait a minute—screw all that! He just said up there at the beginning of this part that it would be sixteen hours! Sixteen does not equal “a few”!

MRS. HYDE: …Wait another minute. It just occurred to me—these people own a private island, and yet they don’t have a private jet?

MERVIN: Huh. You’re right.

Meyer then distracts us from that horrifying image up there and the travel fail by failing even more with her own canon. Jesus—I know she likes to throw it out when it’s inconvenient, but this is just egregious. *sigh* So, Edward marches out with the bags to take them to the boat. The second he is gone, Bella picks up his forgotten cell phone. Yes! Randomly, he forgot his phone. He never forgets his phone, as Bella tells us! Isn’t this convenient? It’s just so convenient that he, for absolutely no reason I can think of, would instead put his phone on some random table instead of just putting it in his pocket right after he finished using it! It’s just so convenient that he would forget his phone so Bella could make a phone call that lasts a few minutes. Which so totally doesn’t work. The boat is no longer a trek through the jungle now. It’s close enough so that Bella can hear it—meaning it’s definitely close enough that Edward could have the luggage in the boat and be back in mere seconds. And while he’s there, a stone’s-throw away? Bella can whisper into the phone all she wants—he will still be able to hear her. By Meyer’s previously-established canon, there is no possible way she would have enough time to do this, nor is there any possible way that she could do it without Edward hearing her.

Anyway, that aside, we have a great deal of Meyer trying to build suspense because she is, again, deliberately avoiding saying who Bella is calling. “Golden wind chimes” answers the phone, and it turns out that it’s *GASP SHOCK* Rosalie, and Bella is begging her for help.


Gave you that one strictly because the amount of bullshit you’ve been drawing out this whole time by avoiding mentioning any names is friggin’ ridiculous. And giving you this one for saying “golden wind chimes” with a straight face.


And with that, the chapter and the first section of Breaking Dawn wheeze to a close. And with that, it’s time for us to talk seriously about a very sensitive topic.

MRS. HYDE: OR IS IT??!!! *thunderclap and dramatic music*

MERVIN: *whacks Hyde with a spoon* I said serious!

MRS. HYDE: *holds up hand while rubbing head* Okay, okay—fine, seriously. We said it up front, but notice how we didn’t actually say the word “abortion” in the chapter itself? We did that for a reason.

MERVIN: Hear us out, guys—we avoided saying it because…well…

We don’t think abortion is the issue at all here and never was.

*ducks flying debris* I said hear us out! I mean it! I’m serious about this—I don’t think this is about abortion at all! We are both going against pretty much every single reviewer out there, pro or anti, but the thing is, we’ve been reading these books for so long and deciphering Meyer’s bullshit and digging so deep and using that fine-toothed comb so much that we are seeing something entirely different here.

MRS. HYDE: I think the problem is that the story itself seems to hit a lot of points you would see in an anti-abortion tract. Pardon references to the future/spoilers, but we have to talk about this in the context of the story as a whole. Bella never wanted children, but then gets pregnant and decides she does. She’s encouraged to get an abortion, but refuses. She suffers bravely against opposition from all sides. She decides to have the child at great physical expense to herself. She is rewarded with a beautiful, wonderful, perfect baby of her own that she loves and all of the people who wanted to abort it love it, too. And finally, everything works out perfectly with no downsides or problems. That does look suspicious—but the problem here is not the anti-abortion points that it hits, but the anti-abortion points that it misses.

Notice what’s missing here—pro-life is often accompanied by a faith discussion or scientific evidence backing up why people think the fetus is a life. Neither ever occur. Abortion itself is never brought up—the characters never discuss it and there’s never any presentation of a pro-life argument. But most importantly, abortion itself is never portrayed as wrong. Bella is not horrified by the idea of aborting a baby—she just doesn’t want to abort this baby. Abortion in and of itself doesn’t seem to bother her. On the flipside, both the love interests who want her to have an abortion are never portrayed as wrong. Bella bears them no ill will for endorsing an abortion and they never have the great moment of revelation where they both go, “Oh, I was mistaken! Life is the answer!” If nothing else, if this really is a pro-life tract, it’s astonishingly subtle. It’s lacking any sort of clear argument for or against the subject. And that’s just it, guys: SMEYER’S NOT SUBTLE. If she wanted it to be anti-abortion, SHE WOULD SAY SO. Because that’s what she does. SMeyer’s “no sex before marriage” message? WE SAW IT. SMeyer’s predestined True Love message? WE SAW IT. SMeyer does not show her messages—she tells them. And with this one, she never does. This isn’t about abortion—it’s about this baby. If it was someone else’s, I honestly don’t think she’d care. There is no clear stance on abortion itself in this book. All SMeyer and Bella care about is this one particular baby, and that in and of itself is not pro-life. That’s just pro-hellspawn.

MERVIN: Here’s another problem saying that this is some kind of pro-life tract. One of the arguments is that Edward and Jacob and everyone else who want Bella to abort it are clearly the usual pro-choice strawmen who are unrealistic, overbearing, and trying to force our protagonist to do it despite her morals and faith. The major problem with that argument is the fact that Edward and Jacob and everyone else are not doing anything different from what they’ve always done throughout the entire series. They haven’t been warped OOC in the slightest. Edward and Jacob have always tried to railroad Bella into behavior she doesn’t want to do. I just have to cite the previous three books for examples—Bella’s entire relationship with Edward is defined by him pompously dictating what she will and will not do. Bella’s entire relationship with Jacob is defined by him forcing things on her. This is nothing new. The problem here is that, as we said before, the topic is new. They are applying their usual controlling jerkass behavior to abortion. This is no longer Edward saying Bella can’t have a Coke or can’t go to a friend’s house because he’s just so concerned and protective. This is no longer Jacob refusing to stop holding Bella’s hand in a movie theater or constantly saying that clearly, Bella wants him because he’s just trying to make her see that she loves him because he just loves her so much. They are now both trying to make her have an abortion, possibly the most sensitive, triggering, divisive topic on the face of the earth. I can understand why people would focus on that and lose sight of pretty much anything else. For antis, it makes Jacob and Edward spiral into new depths of sickening behavior and depravity, no matter what your stance. For fans, though, the veil got whipped off. Because it’s abortion, suddenly they could see their behavior for what it is.

MRS. HYDE: Because you can definitely see what it is. And that’s why we say it’s not about abortion—because it doesn’t matter what procedure he’s trying to force on her. It’s not about that. It’s about Wardo and Carlisle committing a gross violation of Bella’s personal autonomy, motivated by utter selfishness. They aren’t doing this for her—they are doing this for Wardo. They didn’t ask, they didn’t talk to her, they just decided what was going to be done. If Bella hadn’t actively asked what Wardo was talking about, he would’ve told her nothing. Think about how this would’ve gone if she hadn’t asked, guys. She would’ve been bundled home and had no clue what was going on until she found herself in the stirrups. That’s something out of a horror movie—that’s like Touristas. (Apt comparison, too—horrifying concept, stupid movie.)

MERVIN: Don’t think of it as abortion, guys. Think of it as something else—think of it in terms of the very first book—think of it in terms of Twilight. Remember that scenario I proposed that really took off? I said that sucking the venom out of James’s bite was bullshit, and that only way to save Bella from vampirism would be to cut her arm off. So pretend it’s this. She’s not pregnant—she’s contracted some bizarre disease, whether it be something from satanic, parasite-ridden South America or from unprotected sex from the venomcock. Now, her legs are going to rot off and she’s going to die unless they are amputated. What do Carlisle and Edward do? Bundle her home to chop them off without a word to her. She goes under, and wakes up without legs. You guys see what I’m talkin’ about?

MRS. HYDE: Or look at it from another way, still with pregnancy in the equation if you don’t think they’re equal. Let’s do a little flip on the reactions here. Bella realizes she’s late, feels something moving around in her middle, and panics. It’s hellspawn, she says. It’s going to kill her, she says. She wants it out, she says. But Wardo, on the other hand, thinks it’s beautiful. This is a miracle—he’s going to get the family he’s always wanted, and he won’t let her stand in his way. She’s going to be bundled back to Forks and restrained to incubate his baby whether she likes it or not—and whether it kills her or not.

So you see, guys, this isn’t a pro-life tract. It’s not about abortion at all. It doesn’t matter what issue this is that Wardo’s reacting to. The point is he is a controlling, selfish, dictatorial asshole, and always has been. Only now, because he’s acting this way about abortion, suddenly all but the most braindead Twihard could see it.

MERVIN: Yes, he always has been. And guess what? If he always has been like this, as Hyde and I have pointed out, guess what that promptly did for the epic romance? It turned the fans off. Suddenly, it didn’t look so epic anymore. How can you compare Edward and Bella to Lizzy and Darcy or Romeo and Juliet or even Jack and Rose when he’s doing this? Even more so, it was pretty clear that he didn’t care that much about Bella, because I think he’s asked about her wellbeing once in this entire chapter. What kind of husband acts like this? He doesn’t notice that she’s upset by his declaration—and if he does, he automatically assumes she’s having his reaction. But he still doesn’t comfort her even then, except to say those creepy lines that made me whip out Leviastiel’s rape face. As I said repeatedly, no comfort, no asking, no talking, no nothing. And that’s just him. We haven’t even talked about Bella.

Bella’s reaction here did the same thing that seeing Edward’s behavior did to the fans—it turned them off. Look what she did, guys. She didn’t talk to him, she didn’t try to reason with him, she did none of that—because she knew it wouldn’t work. So she automatically went behind his back because she knew that was the only way she would get what she wanted. Not only that, but another part of the reason was because she was genuinely scared of him and his behavior. The actions of a desperate heroine, perhaps? Or not—because she does this in literally every book. Again, this is how she has always behaved when Edward is denying her what she wants and having a tantrum. The only thing that has changed is the topic. This is not Bella going behind Edward’s back and manipulating his family into turning her into a vampire because he won’t. This is about abortion. She’s going behind his back to manipulate the situation to get her way.


Only this time, it’s just not nearly as pretty or easily swept under the rug with explanations as to what Meyer really meant.

MRS. HYDE: So, yeah, guys. Romance failed from this angle, too. Bella loves Wardo more than anything, right? Except she doesn’t trust him, she knows reasoning with him will have no effect, she knows he will make her do what she doesn’t want to, and she’s afraid of him. Great romance there, SMeyer.

So what is going on here, you ask? It’s so heavy-handed and over the top, SMeyer is clearly trying to tell us something. Well…the problem is that this was just the setup for what SMeyer was trying to tell us. The payoff doesn’t come until the next two parts of the book, so we can see how this sudden, shocking change in the tone would sort of overshadow what she intended. And what she intended wasn’t about the sanctity of babies. It was about the sanctity of mothers.

MERVIN: I touched on this in part two with that whole EATING BABIES part, and I kind of talked about it in Eclipse when Rosalie brought it up. And who can forget Esme? Sick bitch. It seems that all vampire women want is babies. But it isn’t just babies for their own sake—they just want to have them. They don’t talk about child-rearing, they don’t talk about families, they don’t talk about being a parent, they don’t talk about anything other than having a baby. That’s it. It’s not about babies, it’s about spawning somehow. It’s all about actually giving birth. They need to somehow have a baby to validate their existence, because that seems to be the only thing that does. It’s about motherhood.

Please notice that Bella did the exact same thing that everyone else has been doing. Bella, upon discovering that she was pregnant, started going on and on about her beautiful, perfect, amazing baby. She’s not talking about being a parent—she’s just saying she absolutely must have this baby.

Even Edward did it in chapter two. You guys glommed onto that and went crazy over it—Bella is a woman, so she should have a baby. That was it. It wasn’t that he wanted a family or he wanted them both to be parents. He just wanted Bella to open her legs and fire out a kid, because that’s what women do. We’re like potato guns. So you see, he’s not playing the part of the pro-choice strawman. The conflict here is that he’s denying Bella her chance at motherhood! Oh no! And Bella, true to her selfish self, doesn’t seem all that interested in protecting the baby’s life or anything—it’s because she absolutely needs to have this baby, because she said that this baby was “necessary as air”, meaning if she doesn’t have it, she will die. Given that it was all wrapped up in descriptions of how she believes the baby is more Edward, it’s made pretty clear that she doesn’t really love that baby for itself—it just sounds like she wants more Edward and loves the baby, as she put it, only in the abstract. As such, just as Edward’s clearly not pro-choice (because there’s no choice involved here at all), Bella is clearly not pro-life. She’s pro-herself and she wants this baby just as much as she wants vampirism and dammit, she’s gonna get them.

MRS. HYDE: This probably got lost because it doesn’t really become apparent until the next two parts of the book. Abortion is barely mentioned—it’s really only discussed once or twice, and they aren’t discussing the pros and cons of abortion—they’re talking about how much they love Bella and she must live, and abortion is a means to that end. That’s all. The rest of the books are devoted to talking about how wonderful and selfless Bella is for having this baby and how special and amazing she is when she becomes a mother and now has this amazing, perfect, wonderful baby. So the abortion wasn’t a platform for a pro-life tract—it was just another piece of cheap conflict for Bella to use to show off how amazing, wonderful, and selfless she is in her quest to become a mother. So that is why we have introduced another count: THE MOTHER GODDESS.

We put this count in here to help back up our claims that this book isn’t a pro-life tract. We’re gonna use this count to track how many times SMeyer presents this glorification or outright worship of motherhood. And we do mean motherhood—we don’t mean babies. That’s something else a lot of people also say, that it’s all about babies—we kinda did that in Eclipse for convenience sake, but that was before it became clear what SMeyer really meant. It’s not about babies—it’s all about motherhood and mother-worship. And when I say worship, I mean literal worship. Motherhood is held up as this sublime state, the end-all be-all, the ultimate validation of a person’s existence. Even the men are in awe. This is the greatest power granted unto mankind and that which all women should aspire to because it is their provenance.

MERVIN: Think about this count, guys—see how much it explains. It explains so much about Esme—she committed suicide because her baby died and her motherhood was revoked. Now, she spends all of her time with her weird, creepy, pseudo-family and gets to spend eternity being their mother. Rosalie is bitter and angry because she never got to be a mother. I discussed this in chapter seven of Eclipse—it wasn’t about being a parent and having a family. She just needed to have a baby. All of the vampires with their vampire children? Same thing—they knew they were monsters, they knew the Volturi would kill them, but they absolutely had to have them because otherwise, they couldn’t have babies and be mothers. It’s all about motherhood. So, to kick off the count?


Three retroactive—one for Esme, one for Rosalie, and one for Sasha and her ilk—and one for Bella here, transformed by the power of her womb.

And that’s all, folks. There is no abortion talk, and there will be no abortion talk, because it’s not here. There’s no need to talk about it. Well, I won’t be that extreme—if you disagree, you can go ahead and argue your point that you think it is an anti-abortion tract. You can also argue that, even if it is Motherhood, Meyer’s views on abortion still leaked through anyway. However, keep in mind—she wasn’t deliberately lecturing you on it, and she’s allowed to have her views just like you are. If it was supposed to be anti-abortion, it was amazingly subtle and she didn’t ram that down our throats at all. The movie Breaking Dawn Part I is actually the one that made the huge mistake in doing a “fetus vs. baby” argument between Rosalie and Alice. However, that’s the movie. This is the book, what Meyer actually wrote, and that argument was never present here. She never force-fed us anything of the kind. In fact, she never once ever utters the word “abortion” in the entire book. No, we’re being force-fed motherhood and mother-worship.

MRS. HYDE: *muttering* That, and the fact that Wardo is a controlling, abusive, sadistic asshole.

MERVIN: Yes, that too. So, Book I is done. As such, because this book is so long and broken up into three wildly disparate parts, I am actually going do small final thoughts on each section. Not the full thing—just a short summary of each “book” and a discussion of how it fits into the whole. Or rather, how it doesn’t. You can go on your break now, Hyde.

MRS. HYDE: FINALLY. *begins to flee*

MERVIN: But be sure to be back for chapter nine.





Chapter 7 (Part II) | Table of Contents | Book I Summary

(179 comments | Leave a comment)


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[User Picture]
Date:January 25th, 2013 01:04 pm (UTC)
I'm confused. When the vampire babies were brought up earlier you were outraged that the adult vamps had allowed them to be born. If Bella was actually incubating a mass-murdering Cabbage Patch Kid, Edward and Carlisle would be acting responsibly, wouldn't they? If the hellspawn was controlling her mind to make her want to give birth at all costs then they'd have to destroy it against her will, but that would still be better than letting a whole bunch of people get killed by the demon baby.
[User Picture]
Date:January 25th, 2013 02:38 pm (UTC)
The vampire babies mentioned earlier in Breaking Dawn were not 'born'; they were actual human babies that vampires bit and turned into vampires.

Renesmee is a wholly different breed of creepy devil child, one that Edward and Carlisle have never heard of before (though apparently Kaure has). They have no solid proof that she will be a hellspawn, although admittedly the odds of her being a normal child are already looking slim.

But even if they had... yes, the responsible thing to do would probably be to abort, but it would also be to discuss this rationally with Bella and try to make her understand why the abortion is needed, not to drag her home against her will and slice her up on the kitchen table without so much as a word of warning.

Edited at 2013-01-25 02:38 pm (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
Date:January 25th, 2013 01:29 pm (UTC)

What confuses me

is that this doesn't get brought up more in all those essays and arguments for why Edward is a domestic abuser. It's like you said, it's spelled out in the text so blatently that a significant chunk of fans revolted. However, I see this particular issue brought up the least when people try to explain the abuse. If it is brought up, it's not examined in any real depth. That's usually reserved for the stalking and the whole "disable your girlfriend's car so she can't visit her nominal best friend" thing he pulled early in Eclipse.

Because once again, Meyer has written her romantic ideal as doing something real-world domestic abusers actually do. Being restricted to one variation really isn't an excuse when that variation(male-on-female abuse) gets the most attention. This is THE most egregrious violation of Bella's personal autonomy in the entire series, and yet so few really examine it in depth, focusing almost entirely on the abuse elsewhere(which certainly does deserve attention of its own).

Maybe the a-word has scared off a lot of antis or gotten their entire focus is on it without really looking at what it's part of. Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough. Still you're the first people I've seen to really look at this issue like this.

May I also say that I wish I could critically analyze the way you two do.
[User Picture]
Date:January 26th, 2013 07:44 am (UTC)

Re: What confuses me

Now you mention it, it's surprising that the series doesn't get more stick from pro-life people horrified at the idea of a husband and his family forcing a wife to have an abortion. Though that might be because they don't go through with it, or just because the kind of religious people who are most often outspokenly pro-life didn't read/watch this far. (This review on a Christian site mentions abortion but doesn't really dwell on it.)

On the domestic abuse angle, I think this is an issue that's less talked about and universally thought of than abortion. As seen with the serious consent issues in Fifty Shades of Grey, a lot of people don't seem to identify abusive behaviour as outright abuse unless the abuser is actively smacking the abusee around.
Date:January 25th, 2013 02:42 pm (UTC)
I'm curious as to why exactly are Bella and Edward going back to Forks. It didn't occur to me the first time I read BD, but just now I couldn't help but wonder — clearly the Cullens, the Volturi, and the vampire world at large is ignorant that vampires can impregnate human women. They talk about later on how they just don't know what's going to happen with this pregnancy. However, here's Kaure, who's tribe is familiar enough with these things that she can identify Edward as a vampire, recognize that Bella's pregnant, and know what the end result will be (morte). There are legends here, in Brazil, in the area, that Edward dismisses. In fact, that's where Alice (to reach into the future) later locates her deus ex machina.

So why didn't Bella and Edward stay on the island and have Carlisle come to them? It's not like they needed a modern hospital setting — they've set up a medical bay at their Forks house, so presumably they can buy or appropriate everything they need again — and the island is secluded — no chance of those pesky werewolves getting involved, or a town of hapless humans wandering around just a few miles away — and while Bella is gestating herself to death the rest of the Cullens can start asking around about local legends and looking for clues and potentially find out what they're dealing with. After all, the Deus Ex mentions at the end of the book (I think) that he has several half-sisters running around the area, too, so the odds might be good that they'd come across one of them. It just makes no sense, other than 'we have to go back to Forks because the books are set in Forks.'
[User Picture]
Date:January 25th, 2013 06:25 pm (UTC)
My best guess would be that that would imply that the vampires might actually have to rely on the help of Human Brown People, and that Human Brown People might know more than them.

Especially given the way that Kaure is treated here, I can't see that ever happening, so once again we get to see how the Cullens are Racist Dumbasses who can't even bring themselves to ask around for a way to help their beloved Bella-kins.
[User Picture]
Date:January 25th, 2013 03:35 pm (UTC)
I think a reason why The-Issue-That-Must-Not-Be-Named is brought up because it fits with a big issue feminists bring up when it comes to The-Issue-That-Must-Not-Be-Named. As far as I understand it, the reason why most feminists are pro-choice is because they believe women should have autonomy over their bodies. This is a reaction to the imagined history where women were oppressed by the patriarchy in such a way that they could not act in occurrence with their own judgment about anything. And when I say “imagined” I’m using it in the Benedict Anderson sort of way. So when Bella wants to do something with her body and Edward wants to do something else with it, a big red flag was sent up for people who are sensitive to that aspect of The-Issue-That-Must-Not-Be-Named.
Ha, “The-Issue-That-Must-Not-Be-Named.” It’s like we’re talking about Voldemort.
[User Picture]
Date:January 25th, 2013 04:55 pm (UTC)
/Bella actively gasps in horror, because how could he call her beautiful Wardo-clone that thing? Wardo? Doesn’t notice./

And they’re supposed to be the most perfect couple ever. Sometimes I wonder if their relationship would be any different if it turned out that they were each talking to dolls instead. Edward rants at his Hello Kitty doll about how he’s going to get “that thing out of her” without considering her feelings, because she doesn’t have a mouth. Bella thinks that the male store mannequin is happy to be a father, because he can’t change his expression. What’s the difference?

/Carlisle does everything in his power to make sure that Wardo is nice and happy/

Again, this is not how a parental figure acts. A parental figure does want the child to be happy, but there’s a difference between that and giving the child everything that he or she asks for, regardless of what it is, just so the child won’t throw a tantrum and not be happy anymore. Carlisle is just spoiling him, and we’re really given a reason why. Is it because he still feels guilty over turning Edward? Is it because he’s afraid of Edward running off again and killing people if he doesn’t give Edward what he wants? We’ll never know, because Meyer never tells us, other than having Carlisle blabber on and on about how “pure” and “angelic” Edward is.

/She’s freaked out, but not enough to get mad at him for it./

So…Bella wants to have this baby so badly that she’s willing to go behind Edward’s back, but she doesn’t ever yell at him for wanting to, in her eyes, kill it. Maternal instinct, my foot.

/I guess he wanted to show off that he knows another language./

Wait a minute…Edward knows how to speak Ticuna (or whichever indigenous Brazilian language Meyer intended, since there are a lot)?


Look, it was one thing for Edward to know Portuguese. It was completely random and came out of nowhere, but at least it’s not impossible. Sure, this is the first and only book in the series where Isle Esme is brought up, so either Edward and the Cullens don’t visit it all that much or Edward conveniently forgot to mention it to Bella before this book. But even if Edward doesn’t spend enough time in Isle Esme to learn Portuguese from the locals, at least he has lots of opportunities to study Portuguese back in the U.S. I’m not sure if Portuguese is taught in many American high schools; it wasn’t offered when I was in high school at least. But I know that it’s certainly taught in American universities. And I know that Portuguese dictionaries and language books are widely available in American bookstores. Even if Edward couldn’t take Portuguese in Forks, he could certainly walk into a Barnes & Noble and buy some books on Portuguese. Or he could go to a library. Or go online and search for Portuguese lessons.

But TICUNA? How many Americans have even HEARD of Ticuna or know what it is? You’re telling me that despite the fact that the Cullens apparently don’t use Isle Esme all that much…Edward somehow knows how to speak Ticuna, to the point where he’s able to conduct a conversation in it. Yes, Edward somehow knows how to speak an indigenous South American language that not even most Brazilians know. And we never learn how. We never hear of him going out of his way to search for Ticuna dictionaries and language guides (which would be a lot harder to find than Portuguese dictionaries). We never hear of him practicing the language with anybody. No, he just magically knows the language.

That is not how language learning works! You actually have to practice speaking the language. And if you stop, it’s very easy to forget it. Edward hardly goes to Isle Esme (as far as we know). When and where would he get the opportunity to practice Ticuna?

I guess that the reason that this bothers me so much is that it’s so much wasted potential. Edward knowing Ticuna could have been really cool! He could have traveled around the world, learned dying languages, and devoted himself to keeping those languages alive and setting up schools so that future generations could learn them. But no. Edward only knows Ticuna so that he can yell at Kaure. What a waste.
[User Picture]
Date:January 25th, 2013 10:59 pm (UTC)
He apparently had the time to learn all the languages ever (or if not ALL of them, then all the plot-relevant ones) at night while everyone else was having sex.

No, really. That's the handwave. This is why Growing Up Cullen exists, as I recall.

I'm assuming he never has trouble remembering them all and keeping them straight because vampire memory is Just That Flawless. Knowing Meyer, he probably mastered all of them in the course of a week or something because vampires think Better Than You, too. No, seriously. They think infinitely faster than humans, and can react accordingly. They never sleep. Their memory (as a vampire, anyway) is perfect. They can hear things from, what, miles around? and have super-sensitive other senses to match that. And then Edward can read minds from that range, can't turn that power off, and can hear everything with PERFECT CLARITY, because these vampires do everything perfectly. Gaaah. *Curls up in sensory fetal position*

Also, just assume Meyer doesn't know how learning languages work. When we get to the little demonspawn it gets even more obvious.
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
Date:January 25th, 2013 04:59 pm (UTC)

The lack of choice in the books

I used to like reading the Twilight books, until I turned 20 and I just forgot about them. However now after doing research on Wardo and Mutt-boy and their behaviour in the books, and reading your Sporkings of this horrible anti-human and anti-female series; I now hate this series, with all the passion and power of a Supernova.
What annoys me the most about this stupid and pointless series, is that Meyer’s removes Bella’s choice and free-will, Wardo makes all the choices, all of which, turn out to bad or harmful to Bella.
Speaking of choices, I made the choice, nearly a year ago to have a Kidney Transplant, no one forced me to have it, and I choose the Transplant and a chance at a better life.
Keep up the good work guys, meanwhile I’m going to go and play DMC on my PS3.

[User Picture]
Date:January 25th, 2013 05:49 pm (UTC)
Dammit; I'm childfree. I guess the fact that I don't want babies due to being tokophobic and not liking them enough means that my life is doomed to complete unfufillment cuz I am refusing to fufill my purpose of being a woman. In other words, to pop out babies like a pez dispenser. After all, it's not as tho women are good for anything else, right? Grr.
[User Picture]
Date:January 25th, 2013 06:40 pm (UTC)
What irks me is that we have two millionaire vampire women, and they do NOTHING to fulfill their desires in having children.
By having kids, I mean, adopting. All throughout the 20th century, except for 'adopting' Emmett and the rest of the teen-vamps, they have done NOTHING for children.
I mean, babies and children being abandoned by their worn-out parents during the Great Depression? Oh that sucks. Thousands of children being orphaned, abandoned, or put in horrible amount of danger during World War Two? Too bad. The fact that in as far as the 1970s, the foster care system was still flawed and still left more than dozens of desperate children into the hands of unqualified and even abusive care-givers? Well, gee...if only someone could have done something.

I personally know a lot of people who tend to only adopt babies when they can't have kids, and while that's okay, I still don't agree with some people who would only buy babies from a certain race because 'they looked much more cuter, and plus their ancestry are stereotyped for being more smart (I wish I was kidding with that reasoning) so they'd give us less problems at school!', at LEAST they're trying to do something, plus, sometimes they do admit that they CANT take care of an older kid, because they don't have the time, or money, or even patience to help the kid develop and heal from being orphaned.

But if we're talking about a super-powered team of millionaires that have multiple degrees in everything? All they care about is popping an infant out. Because so far we have found NO evidence of Rosalie or Esme so much as interact with a real child.

Edited at 2013-01-25 06:41 pm (UTC)
Date:January 25th, 2013 07:54 pm (UTC)

The Other Pure Fail

Okay, ignoring the whole a-word issue: what the hell is up with Edward?!?!

He is freaking out, but has dropped right in front of his nose, Kanure. A person who is not only obviously knowledgeable about vampires, to the point she recognizes what Edward is on sight, but also knows about half-vampires and know exactly what is going to happen to Bella.


a) knows there are vampires living in Brazil

b) knows there are humans in Brazil who know about vampires

c) is himself a part of a human tribal legend, all parts of which he knows for a fact are true

And what does he do?


Freaked-out though he may be, shouldn't he want as much information as possible? Shouldn't he be able to read her mind and see she is telling the truth and why she thinks it is the truth? It ought to be right there in front where he can see it easily.

And on top of all of that fail: the Volturi don't know about half-vampires?

You know what? I call bullshit. Aro, on good terms with Carlisle or not, clearly wants him and his ilk dead. He's been around for thousands of years, he must have seen damphirs before. Given the legends about damphirs he probably has a crack team to take them out if one becomes too big a threat. After the report of the immortal child, he probably monitored human newscasts. After failing to find stories of mass killings, he knew what the death baby really was and just came to WA to visually confirm that the Cullens had sealed their own doom.


Kinda weird that that's the part that stuck out to me huh?

[User Picture]
Date:January 25th, 2013 08:31 pm (UTC)
You know, I never really thought that it was about the... y'know. That issue.

Now that I've read the sporking of this part of the chapter, it just drives the same issues home. You know, the vamps can do no wrong, and all women MUST have kids, no matter what.

Also, it just further proves that Edward and Bella are missing the one important aspect of this... "relationship".

*clears her throat* WHERE'S THE COMMUNICATION?! WHY CAN'T THEY JUST TALK ABOUT IT LIKE NORMAL COUP-- oh. That's right. Logic. We can't have that in a Sue story.

(And personally, as someone who actually wants to have kids when she's good and ready, it just irritates me that these "books" keep shoving that message down my throat.)

And Bella? Doesn't matter if you have a hellspawn in your gut or not. You're not selfless, and I still hate you.
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Date:January 25th, 2013 09:50 pm (UTC)
While reading the Twilight series, I felt actual fear in two situations: when Bella suddenly realized Wardo was in the back of her truck (that was horror movie scary) and... in this part. The characters' behavior in this chapter, and in this part in particular, made me feel (by proxy) a degree of fear and helplessness that I would have never thought it would be possible in connection to this book. It's terrifying how utterly helpless this woman is, as horrible as she may be. Her body, identity and dignity are at the mercy of these incredibly powerful creatures who will do what they want with her.

As Mervin said, even though it's always been like that, even though Carlisle has only ever cared about Edward's happiness and not Bella's, even though Wardo has always been a possessive, controlling psycho, it's never been so damn obvious. The masks fall off so suddenly. And even if Bella is a despicable human being and got into this voluntarily, I am not okay with their treatment of her. This is horrible. The only reason Bella gets away with exercising her right to make a decision on her behalf is that she uses Rosalie, and by extension Emmett, as bodyguards.

This is really hard to stomach.

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Date:January 26th, 2013 03:32 am (UTC)
Agreed. Mark from "Mark Reads" said it best, I think. Paraphrased: No matter what kind of human being Bella is, she is still a human being, and for that reason should not be treated the way she is repeatedly treated in this series.
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Date:January 26th, 2013 12:03 am (UTC)
motherhood really is worshipped because it is the only time bella was considered to be right about something that edward (and jacob to a lesser extent) were wrong about
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Date:January 26th, 2013 12:28 am (UTC)
I don't know if this was brought up previously about Bella's super fast pregnancy, but I am wondering why she isn't in excruciating pain from her organs shifting around. When I was pregnant, that was painful for me, and that was gradual. If it's happening all at once--like when my great-aunt was in a tornado--that is going to HURT.

She is also going to have some pretty extreme stretch marks.
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Date:January 26th, 2013 07:08 pm (UTC)
Oh, doodasnapefreak, don't you know better? Bella can't have stretch marks because she deserves the best of everything, including perfect beauty.
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Date:January 26th, 2013 03:30 am (UTC)
Another thing this chapter highlighted was how very much Bella and Edward DON'T know and understand each other. At all. They each had reactions to her apparent pregnancy that were on different ends of the emotional spectrum, neither realized that about the other, and not only that, they each assumed the other was reacting exactly the same way they were! It's obvious here that the only thing they have in common is mutual physical attraction, and could have got just as much satisfaction out of a one-night stand, if Meyer even recognized the existence of such things.

The whole "mother goddess" thing just makes me...uncomfortable. AGAIN. Not knocking motherhood, or childbirth, or child-rearing or anything, because I know they are HARD, but this once again seems to reveal that Meyer feels UNDER-APPRECIATED for playing her role as mother. "Give me a parade, dammit!" I can't be the only one who got that feeling. I don't mean to accuse her or anything, but...like Mervin has stated before about other things, it's RIGHT THERE. This is by her own admission her personal fantasy, and she is Bella, and...ugh.
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Date:January 26th, 2013 04:41 am (UTC)
To things.

Now I have a headache. And:

Applies all over.
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Date:January 26th, 2013 07:29 am (UTC)

Smeyermeant to make Bella a character like Raven from Teen titans show

I think I' m a little late to mention this when you see the way people try to make Bella out to be (twilight fans) and how Raven is you can clearly see that Smeyer intended to make Bella be the type of girl Raven is just less gothic.

Bella is supposed to be this tortured normal/'secretly' hot chick (who were supposed to believe in the beginning is tortured but in reality has no real problems or any has nothing legit to complain about or refuses to complain about anything legit when it does occur) and she is awful person who does nothing and complains about the prettiest of things.Bella also lacks common sense is insecure and only makes herself feel better by putting other's down she's also insanely shallow like you couldn't believe, while she'll never say it to your face she's thinking it.She likes to pretend that she' s a reader that she reads so much but we never see her do it much. She also a doormat in every sense the word

Raven is a misunderstood shyish teenage girl who happens to be into the dark arts and is superhero she also loves to read and is shown doing it many times throughout the series teen titans.Raven is one of those tortured who actually has a legitimate reason to be tortured she was born to be a portal that would unleash a demon (a demon that was her own father by the way) onto the world and that demon would destroy the galaxy if given the chance.Even though Raven was 'destined' to be evil she decided to become a superhero and protect people even if it was against her 'destiny' she also has to meditate constantly.I didn't mention it before but for an animated character people think Raven is pretty and she's not even the show's obligatory hot girl but people in her own Canon don't notice because she's a goth.Raven is usually really nice and understanding sometimes also kinda humble, but she can also be really cynical and sarcastic, witty in a funny kinda way at times.

Smeyer wanted Bella to be like Raven minus the powers and her gothicness.A girl who feels tortured because of something legitimate reason tries to get over it or work against it, (read part 2
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Date:January 26th, 2013 08:03 am (UTC)

Re: Smeyermeant to make Bella a character like Raven from Teen titans show

That's a pretty good analogy. Most protagonists in "urban" fantasy (i.e. fantasy where a person from our world discovers supernatural stuff hiding somewhere or a separate supernatural world) are in some way "special" in an active way. This can mean having special powers (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), possessing some important item or information (The Weirdstone of Brisingamen), or simply being proactive (i.e. getting involved in the business of the supernatural world to achieve some goal or fix something).

Bella, by contrast, is incredibly passive and exists only to be a victim/love interest. The affairs of the supernatural world only matter insofar as they affect her; she doesn't do anything to change vampire society of her own will (indeed, to my eternal chagrin frustration the Cullens don't crush the Volturi at the end of Breaking Dawn even though they have them at a disadvantage and doing so would save hundreds or thousands of lives). Part of the reason I rather like the last third of Breaking Dawn is that it suddenly veers closer to being a traditional fantasy story where the main character gets special powers and uses them. It's still Mary Sue wish-fulfillment, but at least it's more interesting.

(I should note that I don't really like the fact that so many fantasy stories of this kind make the protagonist some kind of Chosen One; one of my many unwritten fiction ideas is one where the Norse gods recruit Valkyries from among their mortal female descendants, and the protagonist/narrator is simply one of many Valkyries-in-training and is only the protagonist by virtue of being a keen storyteller.)
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Date:January 26th, 2013 07:35 am (UTC)
I would say that, if anything, Portugese and Spanish are more different than French and Italian.

I'm inclined to agree with you that Meyer wasn't writing an anti-abortion tract; it's more that her weird fusion of sappy romance and freaky body horror happened to take on many of the features of an anti-abortion story. I'd also add that, much like the so-called romance, everything about Bella's pregnancy has so little relation to the real world that it's pretty difficult to expect anyone sensible to be swayed by any real-life points it tries to make.

How can you compare Edward and Bella to Lizzy and Darcy or Romeo and Juliet or even Jack and Rose when he’s doing this? Even more so, it was pretty clear that he didn’t care that much about Bella, because I think he’s asked about her wellbeing once in this entire chapter. What kind of husband acts like this? He doesn’t notice that she’s upset by his declaration—and if he does, he automatically assumes she’s having his reaction. But he still doesn’t comfort her even then, except to say those creepy lines that made me whip out Leviastiel’s rape face. As I said repeatedly, no comfort, no asking, no talking, no nothing. And that’s just him. We haven’t even talked about Bella.

I think Meyer (and EL James, not surprisingly) make the mistake of treating Love Makes You Crazy as actually romantic rather than creepy. Their supposed fantasy men act like deranged psychotic killers or robots when their lady friends are threatened, and we're expected to assume this is because they're so in wuv OMG. (This idea, as if it wasn't shaky already, is further undermined by the fact that they basically act the same way when Bella or Ana do anything they don't like.)
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Date:January 27th, 2013 04:16 pm (UTC)
/I think Meyer (and EL James, not surprisingly) make the mistake of treating Love Makes You Crazy as actually romantic rather than creepy. Their supposed fantasy men act like deranged psychotic killers or robots when their lady friends are threatened, and we're expected to assume this is because they're so in wuv/

But it's one thing when those fantasy men act aggressive to *other people* for the sake of their lady loves. In that context, I can see (barely) how that might be considered flattering. The fantasy man is there to be the vigilant protector who will shield his loved one from anyone who wishes her harm, whether it be trivial or significant.

But when those fantasy men act aggressive to the women that they're supposed to love? The women who are supposed to be special to them? No, I can't understand the attraction in that.
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Date:January 26th, 2013 02:04 pm (UTC)
Before I read the comments: I just wanted to say that I think your analysis it spot-on. This isn't a reproductive rights issue, it's an abusive relationship issue. The dense/romantic fans just couldn't see it until the thing Bella was being forced into was abortion.

You guys handled this really well. This is why I love this comm and keep coming here. +1 internets, girls.
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Date:January 26th, 2013 03:22 pm (UTC)
Others in this thread have touched on something that I found troubling in this book. Bella risks her life to give birth to her perfect little fruit of Edward's vamploins. She's the super-selfless mother-goddess. The birth scene is horrific and straight out of the horror genre, adding perhaps to the idea of Bella's willingness to self-sacrifice. The first thing the hellspawn tries to do, IIRC, is "nurse" by feeding on Bella's blood. So she's whisked away into Rosalie's care, and immediately becomes peripheral for Bella, who is inconveniently dead, at least until the vamping process has been completed.

When Bella wakes into her new vamp-life, it's like Renes-who? Her new focus is living her fabulous vamp life in her fabulous newlywed house, having all kinds of vampire-monkey sex with Wardo and disemboweling innocent animals with her super-vamp powers. Meanwhile, Rosalie does the childcare while Renesmee rapidly ages with Meyer's own version of SORAS (soap-opera rapid-aging syndrome). Renesmee barely enters her consciousness until ZOMG, the Volturi want to kill her because they think she's an Immortal Baby. And by then, Bella's skipped over the early-baby stuff and simultaneously resolved the "Jacob" part of the not-triangle. (And I also recall some stuff about how Bella needed to become acquainted with this little stranger and convinced that she wasn't an evil little thing.)

There's been some discussion about Meyer's possible wish fulfillment. Maybe it's something like this: She should have been worshiped for giving birth. Then others should have come in and taken care of the babies so Meyer could get some bleeping sleep and then brought the child back when said child was ready to be cute and appreciative. Just... I don't even know what to do with this.
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Date:January 26th, 2013 06:48 pm (UTC)
The fact that Bella feels she must talk to Rosalie behind Edward's back and doesn't even THINK about talking to Edward directly speaks VOLUMES about their relationship. If she tries talking to Wardo, she'll lose, so she doesn't even try.

True love my ass.
[User Picture]
From:Alys B. Cohen-Author
Date:April 16th, 2013 08:12 am (UTC)
The fanfic to end all fanfics, 50 Shades, "fixed" this by having Christian forbid Ana from talking to anyone but him.... Ugh.
[User Picture]
Date:January 27th, 2013 02:58 am (UTC)
You guys should be published. No joke. The way you underlined and explained the theme of mother-worship is worthy of wider readership than just this comm. I'm really impressed at how you acknowledged that you were going against the consensus of other critics and how you presented your own point of view. My hat's off to you, girls.

Other than that, my God, these books. I should know it by now, but no matter how bad the movies might have seemed, the books are always worse. In the movie version, it's pretty bad how Bella and Wardo never communicate or resolve their differences, even when we're told they do. But here, it's a whole new level of stupid and disgusting.
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Date:January 27th, 2013 07:21 am (UTC)
I'll admit that it took me a while to accept this worship of motherhood interpretation. Then I remembered one very special quote:

“Momma, you're special," Renesmee told me without any surprise, like she was commenting on the color of my clothes.

And then it clicked. I am officially accepting this view of Breaking Dawn completely. It's worship of motherhood, alright.
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Date:January 30th, 2013 10:45 pm (UTC)

Unexpected Consequences {1/3} (Belated Spitefic, Carlisle POV)

The first warning that I had was Alice flying for her phone.

It had taken a certain amount of persuading to make sure that she did not call Bella or Edward during their honeymoon. They needed their privacy, I said, and when Alice began to complain about the loss of contact with her brother and friend for a month I put my foot down. Unless there was an emergency, we were not to initiate contact with them. If they wanted to talk to us, they knew our numbers.

When Alice ran through the house to her phone, and started dialling frantically, I looked up from the journal article which I had been reading, and listened intently. When her call went straight to voicemail - to Bella's voicemail - I was out of my seat and down the stairs before she had even cut off the call.

"Alice! What's going on?"

Her eyes flickered to mine for an instant, wide and glassy-dark, then back to the phone as she dialled again. Even from this angle, I could see that it was Edward's number, and I opened my mouth to question it again as Alice held up a finger for me to be silent.

Pressing my lips tightly together again, I waited. Each ring seemed to cut through the air, and I could not help a moment of irritation with Alice. She could have explained to me what was happening by now; then again, the fact that Edward had not yet answered the phone was troubling in itself.

Finally, an answer; the breathing was enough to betray who it was. "Hi, Alice," Bella said. Her voice was slightly hoarse, and unconsciously I assigned it to a sore throat, not worrying by itself but to be watched.

“Bella? Bella, are you okay?” I watched Alice's face carefully, seeing the worry there that was not so clearly betrayed in her steady voice.

“Yeah. Um. Is Carlisle there?”

I held out my hand for the phone, giving Alice a stern look. Her face dropped slightly, but for a moment she held out. "He is. What's the problem?"

"I'm not... one hundred percent... sure..."

Each hesitation felt achingly long, and still I stood with my hand outstretched. They had been there for over two weeks now, and it had originally be established that Bella would be turned by now. Clearly, that was not the case, and it begged the question as to why. I wanted to ask Edward, and besides that to know what had caught Alice's attention.

"Is Edward all right?" Alice's head cocked to the side slightly, as though tilting an ear for Bella's answer. Had she seen something in Edward's future? She refused to meet my eyes, pulling the phone away for a moment to say, "Carlisle..." as if I was intruding on her. Although I usually tried to refrain from anger, this time I could not help feeling a flicker of it as she looked at me for an instant, pleading, before half-turning away again. "Why didn't he pick up the phone?"

"I'm not sure."

Alice took a deep breath to fuel her words, but it was still almost as if she was trying to wash some scent out of her mouth. "Bella, what's going on? I just saw-"

She cut herself off, and I saw her lips press together tightly. Her eyes, fixed on the middle distance, had a hollowness to their stare, a darkness which showed even through the current bright gold.

“What did you see?”

I could hear Bella's breaths, slightly unsteady, at the far end of the phone line as both she and I waited for Alice's answer. Alice looked up towards the ceiling, her lips twitching as if she was about to speak, then she shook her head to herself and pressed her eyes tightly closed. “Here’s Carlisle,” she said after a moment, her voice sounding strained to my ears.

Finally, she reached out and handed the phone to me, and I put it to my ear with more speed than grace. "Bella, it's Carlisle," I said, as if this would somehow be necessary. "What's going on?"

Though I spoke to her, my eyes were fixed on Alice, the question for both of them. Unfortunately, neither gave me an answer.

"I... I'm worried about Edward. Can vampires go into shock?"
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Date:January 30th, 2013 10:46 pm (UTC)

Unexpected Consequences {2/3} (Belated Spitefic, Carlisle POV)

Of course not, I almost told her. Circulatory shock relied upon the presence of blood, and vampires were nowhere near as inclined to psychological shock as humans. The sheer weight of time upon the mind gave it an inertia which was difficult for anything but the greatest of events to overcome. I could hear the slight tremble in her voice, though, and how she laid out the question as a diversion.

"Has he been harmed?"

I threw the question towards her, wanting more to know how she would respond. There were few things in the world that could have harmed Edward, and I could think of just about none that would have left Bella unharmed.

"No, no, just taken by surprise."

"I don't understand, Bella" I said quietly.

"I think... well, I think that... maybe... I might be..." I took a deep breath. "Pregnant."

Fool boy. Fool, fool boy. The agreement had been made to change Bella. Then again, doubtless I was ten times the idiot for not giving them every warning that I could have done. I pressed my fingertips to my forehead and grimaced, holding very still for a moment before I spoke again.

"When was the first day of your last menstrual cycle?"

"Sixteen days before the wedding." Her answer was so calm, so certain, that it left me suppressing a shudder.

There were few questions that I needed to ask. “How do you feel?”

“Weird,” she replied, her voice cracking. I felt a weight settle onto my shoulders as she continued to talk, voice shaking but with an underlying current of certainty. It had been so many years since I had heard those sort of words. “This is going to sound crazy — look, I know it’s way too early for any of this. Maybe I am crazy. But I’m having bizarre dreams and eating all the time and crying and throwing up and... and... I swear something moved inside me just now.”

I couldn't find the words to reply, my tongue tied in my mouth. My free hand curled at my side, so tightly that I heard skin scrape on skin. Finally, though, Bella sighed and spoke again.

"Um, I think Edward wants to talk to you."

"Put him on."

I tried not to count the fractions of seconds until the phone was in Edward's hands, and he spoke. He still could not raise his voice above a whisper. "Is it possible?"

"Edward," I said, more calmly than I felt, "I need you to listen to me very carefully. I will not waste time in talking about the fact that Bella should have been changed by now. Yes, the reproduction of vampires with humans is possible. It was thought to be a myth even at the time that I studied with the Volturi, but whilst I was there they came across stories of them. Even evidence that they almost came to be. We never managed to track any of them down, however, and it is entirely unknown what was created by such a union. Do you understand me?"

I stilled my breathing, eliminating the faint noise of it in case it might mask something that he said.

"And Bella?"

Of course, his concern went straight to her. But I did not want to tell him what I had seen, the horrors that this thought conjured up.

"One thing emerged among the stories: the women became aware of their pregnancy very early on, and they were unnaturally certain of it. Remember, Bella has no reason to think that she might be pregnant, and yet from her voice... she has already made up her mind on the matter. She knew before she even rang me to talk about it."

I rubbed one hand across my brow. The images were still written perfectly in my vision. We had been in Volterra, in October 1714, when we had heard the rumour of woman unnaturally pregnant only a short distance away in an area that was then known as the Repubblica di Ragusa. We arrived too late to track down any vampire that might have been to blame, or to save the woman: she was beyond the town, her body broken from the inside out.

Edited at 2013-01-30 10:46 pm (UTC)
Date:February 1st, 2013 12:14 am (UTC)
" No, we’re being force-fed motherhood and mother-worship."

Now, this is from The Host:

"Motherhood is all but worshipped among my kind."

"I sighed. “There are only a few of us who are… Mothers. Not Mothers. That's what they call us, but it's just the potential to be one…” I was sober again, thinking of it. There were no Mothers, no surviving Mothers, only the memories of them."


[User Picture]
Date:February 1st, 2013 12:15 am (UTC)
Yes, I will be addressing that when I recap the book after this series is done. Not to worry.
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Date:February 8th, 2013 01:29 am (UTC)
I quoted some of your comments about Smeyer's Mother Goddess ideology in response to a post on The Hathor Legacy.
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Date:February 11th, 2013 02:07 am (UTC)
Eh, in the Breaking Dawn movie, we had everyone refer to it as a fetus, but then Rosalie is suddenly BFFs with Bella, and she's the one who says "OMG U GUISE IT'S NOT A FETUS IT'S A BABBY". Did that happen in the book?
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Date:February 11th, 2013 02:08 am (UTC)

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