June 25th, 2009
|das_mervin||04:07 pm - Year 1: Ariana's Secret - Table of Contents|
By Ariana Black
Alternate title: Ariana’s Pity Party
Let’s begin the trauma-trip! Joining us in this sad, strange little world are Airhead the Ho, Hairy Potty the Dumb-Butt, Don Weasel the Moron, Herm Stranger the Hermaphrodite, Ninny Weasel the valley girl, Devil Shortbottom and Flake-O Boy-Toy the pedophiles, Severed Snap the shocked horror, Serious Smack, in the same boat as Hairy and Al Bumblybore, the doddering old fart! Watch as Ariana Black does nothing but sob over the horrible secret that has ruined her life and, even though no one at this school knows what it is, she never wastes a minute crying over it and making it as evident as possible! And it doesn’t help that Voldemort is simply put on hold while Ariana whines about her horrible secret!
SPORKING CANON: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 – To Hogwarts
Chapter 2 – First Day of Class
Chapter 3 – Black and Blue and Red All Over
Chapter 4 – The Halloween Feast
Chapter 5 – Secrets and Lies
Chapter 6 – Christmas Eve
Chapter 7 – Ashamed
Chapter 8 – The Visit
Chapter 9 – New Beginnings
|Date:||January 12th, 2015 07:45 am (UTC)|| |
*rereads entire fic, posts comments here*
I hope that's okay :3 This was very amusing on the whole. Anyway, I had a few comments, broken up by chapter:
The owl in the cage she carried hooted happily when they had sat down. Sprite was Ariana’s only friend. Sprite was her tiny, silver colored owl.
^ Awkward wording is awkward.
If she stayed quiet and out of the way, HE WOULD IGNORE HER.
^ Agreed. She's making Snape out to be a cowardly schoolyard bully.
Also, man, this story would have been vaguely more interesting if Ariana the author had kept Umbridge as teacher. She undoubtedly would have written Umbridge OOC, but um. Still. As for Mrs. Figg, I would have liked to have seen her and Filch interacting, possibly commiserating over being Squibs. This is rather fluffy and making those two friends would have been sweet.
Mrs. Hyde: Look—another overused plot point. Mrs. Figg, the secret keeper. Audience, it is perfectly fine to use one of these plot points. They’re quite popular and most of them are quite plausible. But here’s a little advice—do NOT use them all in the same fic.
^ Time for Overused Plot Point Bingo!
Mrs. Hyde: What? She shot at him! That was just uncalled for! Where’d she get a gun, anyway?
^ My tired brain just conjured up an image of Hermione holding a crossbow, loaded with a mistletoe arrow, aiming at Ariana the Sue. Mistletoe's great for killing Sues.
Let’s all strip to the waist, paint ourselves with pig’s blood, and make obeisance to the Sue!
^ Dump pig's blood on her at the Yule Ball.
Mervin: Yes, charms that turn random things red are so useful—I completely understand why such a charm would be in existence.
^ Seems more in-place for the Xanth verse than Harry Potter.
Most of Ron’s face had been beaten black and blue.
Mrs. Hyde: To match our brains after this fic is through!
^ ohmygosh it rhymes I love you
he continues to torture Ariana and call on her in spite of her knowing the right answers. Which, incidentally, she always knows, since, as a Sue, she knows everything!
^ And that's why homework was so hard for her! =D I know I frequently throw tantrums about not being able to fill out paperwork when I know all the answers!
Mervin: Oh, GEEZ!!! This is so appallingly OOC that I may have to shoot somebody.
^*hands over mistletoe arrows*