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The Sporkings of Das Mervin and Company

We Suffer Through It So You Don't Have To!

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Taking on bad writing one mangled metaphor at a time.

Hello and a happy day. This? Is das_sporking. Credit for the name of this journal goes to peterchayward.

This comm was originally a place where I, das_mervin, could showcase my sporkings separately from my personal journal. However, as interest in the comm grew and my own real life schedule grew more hectic, I opened it up to other sporkers. And so, my comm became a tiny watering hole for sporkers who don’t just want to riff on a badfic—it’s for people who want to analyze it, too. We’re long-winded and we tear the bad writing featured here to shreds, but by God, we make our damn point!

1) The first rule of this sporking comm is the same first rule of any sporking comm, and I’m going to make sure it’s in big letters so everyone gets the point.


I don’t care if the people in question find this on their own by accident. But do NOT link it to the people I spork. It’s bad form, rude, and asking for trouble. It’s called TROLLING, not to mention it gives me grief because then I have to deal with them coming over here and whining about it, or even worse, them sending down their legions of fanbrats to come and tell me I’m a meanie for having an opinion that isn’t the same as theirs.

2) BE POLITE. By that, I mean don’t bring up politics, religion, lifestyles, etc., and start making inflammatory comments about it. I will say that my comm has been remarkably well-behaved thus far with regards to sensitive subjects—no joke, I once witnessed two members have a perfectly civil conversation about abortion, and both were on opposite sides of the fence. I was fully prepared to have to jump in and freeze the thread and tell them to both knock it off, but no, it went fine. So if you absolutely must talk any sensitive subjects, first of all, make sure that they are on-topic. Don’t just bring them up out of nowhere. And secondly, stay civil. Don’t declare anything BAD BAD BAD and start yelling at other people because they don’t share your opinion. I’m all for calm and rational discussions where points are made and people converse reasonably, but the minute arguing starts, I will shut it down. Why the hell would you even come here to talk politics, anyway? That’s what ontd_political is for. You can talk them all day over there. This place is for bad literature and snark.

3) AVOID EXCESSIVE TRASHING OF THE SUETHORS FEATURED HERE. Yes, I know, you can get mad at a Suethor for shredding a canon you love with their Suefic. But there is a limit and you need to know not to cross a line. You can angrily shake your fist and call the occasional name, but when you start threatening people with vivisection in the comments I’m going to have to tell you to stop. Unless it’s Neil. In that case, vivisection is way, way too light—step it up, people.

4) This is my playground. If any Suethor comes over here and gets into a fight with people, I’ll probably stop it should it get super-nasty, but I’m not gonna tell everyone to be nice. You want to come over here to argue your point—they’re gonna argue back. However, I will tell you this: DON’T COME YELL AT ME AT MY PERSONAL JOURNAL. I mean that. You have a complaint? Yell at me in this comm, or even just send me a personal message. You stalk me back to my personal journal and start cluttering up my visible posts, I’ll completely ignore you until you learn to read. I say this because I’ve had that happen before, and it’s extremely annoying. My personal journal is not for your ranting. It’s for MY ranting. You’re not invited.

5) DON’T FEED TROLLS. I’m not talking about Suethors coming over here and get into fights—I’m talking about trolls. You know what they are—people who come here to deliberately start fights or rile everyone. If you see a troll in a post, alert me immediately and I will put a stop to it. Don’t try to fight with them, because the second you reply? They win. Because that’s what they wanted. It doesn’t matter what your reply might be, either—they just want a reply.

*salutes* Other than that, enjoy your stay here, and I hope I bring at least one laugh to your life!

I do not own any of the fanfics sporked here. God knows I wouldn’t want to. They are the property of their respective Suethors, and they are welcome to them.

I do not own any of the films, books, or television series that are the basis for the badfic I spork.

I do not own any of the books recapped and reviewed on this community.

I sometimes use quotes from other forms of media. I try to do my best to link back any time I quote, but if I accidentally forget, I don’t own anything I quote, either.

I do not own any of the characters I use as sporkers on this community.

This is not just a warning for some of the fics featured here. Yes, there are some fics featured here that are extremely NSFW, like “Hogwarts Exposed”, “alien companion”, and “Harry Potter and the Head of Black”. Fics like that often have rape, sex, and particularly disgusting fetishes all over them. Just keep an eye on the tags used and you’ll know what you might find under the cut. However, I am also going to warn you that the sporkers sometimes get stressed and start screaming obscenities, and I don’t know a single sporker who isn’t fond of some well-placed innuendo, whether it be subtle or not-so-subtle. Sporkers also like to use pictures and macros, so it’s always wise to look out for those.

So, basically, the warning is that we’re all adults here, and we act like it, and sometimes, the fics aren’t all sterile sweetness and light like the Airhead series. It’s safe to say that the sporking is rated what the fic is.

As for spoilers, just pay close attention to the fandom the sporking is part of and, if it is a fic based on a series, take a look at the big, bold SPORKING CANON label. That means that, if the fic is part of a series like Harry Potter, that is which book had been released at the time of the sporking. However, please keep in mind that just because the sporker had read to, say, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, the author of the fic may have only read to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Every entry on this journal is well-tagged. The tag list is very thorough; you can search through it by spork type, fic type, fandom, fic title, series title, warnings, sporker, and more. The memories are a little behind, however. I am working on updating them and getting them better organized and complete.

I have opened up the comm to allow others besides myself posting access so they can spork as well. However, it’s not an open community in that regard. For how to sign up to be a sporker and get your spork on, go here.

I’m not the only sporker by far! Be sure and check out these other sporkers!

Blogging Twilight: If you don’t know about Dan’s Blogging Twilight on Sparknotes yet, you are obviously living under a rock. My Twilight recaps are nasty, long-winded, and angry. His are hilarious, to the point, and almost whimsical. Can’t recommend this one enough!

The HMS STFU: After Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was released, the Harry/Hermione shippers—AKA the Harmoanians—had quite a snit-fit about it. On a lark, I sporked an “essay” one of them had written complaining that Harry kissed Ginny instead of Hermione, and took it to deleterius for fun. The final line of the sporking was that my ship was now the HMS STFU, and I was coming for them with a spork and a loaded canon. I soon received dozens of comments asking where they could sign up for that ship—and bam! The community was created. Despite it now being closed, all of the material is still open for reading and the Rose Potter sporkings are currently hosted over there.

Kippur’s Eragon Analyses: Also located at kippurbird. Kippur is quite a big name in the sporking realm, but by far is most famous for the spot-on and well-deserved analyses of the Eragon series. Kippur takes bad books and chapter by chapter critically analyzes them with humor, aplomb, and sometimes sheer rage using the criteria set out in classical literature methods.

Mark Reads Twilight: Mark read Twilight. Mark hated Twilight. If you ever wanted to see someone get angrier than me at Stephenie Meyer’s novels, this is the guy for you. Again, if you haven’t heard of this dude, get with the program!

marysues: The original Mary Sue sporking journal on LJ! They spork Sues from any and all fandoms, using a simple profile format.

pottersues: The Potter Sue of the Day report! Every day (or close to) they post a new Harry Potter Sue or Stu and a small excerpt. This is the journal where the terms Sparklypoo, Tootsitramp, Bitchiwitch, and Qanonreip originated.

Reasoning with Vampires: While most dissections of Twilight focus almost solely on content and theme and characterization, this blog is almost entirely devoted to tearing apart Meyer’s mechanics.

shaolina: Shaolina recaps bad novels as well, including Stephenie Meyer’s The Host. Her freewheeling style and ability to find subtext in anything make her a delightful read.

silver_sporks: This LJ community sporks only the worst of the worst. They are mostly group sporkings, so you can volunteer to take a chapter or two on their projects.

sue_assassins: Run by doodasnapefreak. This community is where the sporkings of “Hogwarts OverExposed” and “Hogwarts UnderExposed” currently live. This sporker is unafraid to take on the worst and most vile Sues out there.

The Twilight Snarker: A blog devoted entirely to ripping Twilight a new one! It’s another sporker that uses the long and detailed recapping style I tend to favor, so if that is your thing, you’ll love this one.

twispitefic: The das_sporking sister community! In my Twilight recaps, I have a tendency to write tiny spitefics to address certain issues where words fail—I write a small excerpt that injects reality into a situation Meyer has spun to show how it would really go. I apparently started a trend with it, and readers started submitting their own to the comments. gehayi and I comod the comm, so if you have questions, feel free to ask us anything you want.

Want to be linked? Shoot me a message by any method you want and I will gladly link you.

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